Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - more trouble than i'm worth

oderint_dum_metuant · 12-06-2007, 04:16 AM

it was my fault and it's vital that i remember that and evrything that happened i need to hold tight to it i need that so i don't get careless so it doesn't happen again i need to remember my place i need to remember what i am a twelve year wound .i'll never rid myself of this because this is all i am.i might as well be dead i am so much of a embarrassment to everyone. i'm sorry i made him mad i'm sorry i cried i'm sorry i was so weak i'm sorry i wasn't much fun i'm sorry i was so small.i can feel him in my blood he's all around me inside me. but i let him in i let it happened, he said he needed me and i guess he did but i wish it just hadn't been me. idk what i'm doing anymore. i'm confused yet in a way i know exactly whats wrong. i feel the need to always be on the defence never rest never stop. to attack anyone who opposes me and i'm ruthless in hurting them. i have a problem with everyone either i will fear them or i hate them with a passion. most of the time it's just hate. i'm just being violent to everyone bt mostly to myself.how far is too far? i have so much rage in me i hold a force i can not contain. what the hell is wrong with me.

god i make no sense. i'm sorry idk

_Cadence_ · 12-06-2007, 04:26 AM

honey, i wish i could be there to hold you, think of me wrapping my arms around you, okay?

whatever happened, it is not your fault. Don't ever let yourself believe that. It is simply not true. You are innocent. it's perfectly normal to react as you are. there's nothing wrong with you in that aspect. in time, you can learn to trust people again and deal with the rage. feel free to pm me anytime, okay? *massive hugs and cuddles*

oderint_dum_metuant · 12-06-2007, 04:34 AM

but i'm not i'm not i'll never be innocent i'm a whore i was never innocent
this is all i'll ever be

_Cadence_ · 12-06-2007, 04:43 AM

you are innocent
you are loved
you are precious
you are treasured
you are worthwhile

i know you don't believe me, but please consider that they may be true because i promise that they are!

imagine me holding you and stroking your hair right now, okay? i'm here. i care.

you deserve to get better.

oderint_dum_metuant · 12-06-2007, 04:50 AM

i'm not i'm not

_Cadence_ · 12-06-2007, 04:53 AM

you are.
you are cherished, loved, and adored.
you are innocent.

*holds onto you tighter* i'm not letting go. you are loved. you are precious. you are innocent. i care and i'm not letting go. you are loved.

oderint_dum_metuant · 12-06-2007, 04:55 AM

i added you to aim sign in if you want

_Cadence_ · 12-06-2007, 04:57 AM

i'm on AIM

oderint_dum_metuant · 12-06-2007, 05:02 AM

why do you care? i'm nothing special i'm not unique

oderint_dum_metuant · 12-06-2007, 05:59 AM

i'm never gonna be much more than this

oderint_dum_metuant · 12-06-2007, 09:41 PM

i'm slipping. being carried...being dragged further in to theses jungles of terror

oderint_dum_metuant · 13-06-2007, 04:29 AM

i dk what i'm doing anymore i'm freaking out crying will this ever be done wil there ever be one single moment i can stop being me

oderint_dum_metuant · 13-06-2007, 08:14 PM

uhgg don't know what i'm doing anymore

oderint_dum_metuant · 14-06-2007, 02:36 AM

i feel confused and alone and hurt and i feel like i'm never gonna get better i'm never gonna get over this i'm never gonna heal i'll never quit cutting i feel used

Shadowedcorner · 14-06-2007, 09:10 PM

*hugs* I don't know what to say.

oderint_dum_metuant · 28-06-2007, 08:53 AM

argh back in the same fucking hole again god i hate beign here i want to hurt myself so bad

abcdefgpie · 28-06-2007, 12:56 PM

hey honey,
i know how you feel and i know it's horrible, but you can make it.
*hugs*
like other people have said, it was not your fault, whatever happened, whatever he said, it was not yourself and realising that is one of the first steps on the road to moving on.
take care of yourself.
pm me if you need someone to talk to.
love rhiannon xx