Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - i wish it were fiction

[Liar.]

I'm deffinately not a writer...but i got told it might help if i let a bit out.
I feel mega pathetic because my story has nothing on anyone else. But here's a bit of it. Might add some more of it later.


So, I sit here and think how could something that started off good, not great, but good turn so horribly wrong?
It hasn’t always been bad, I was happy when I was little. When I didn’t know properly what was going on around me. When I actually had friends.
Now I just talk a lot of bullshit. I didn’t really have anything to complain about. But my mind felt differently.
I don’t have any traumatic stories like everyone else does. I deserved everything I got; I brought it all on myself.
There isn’t really a time when this stuff started. It just, happened.
I’ve always had bad luck, which was something I had learnt to accept; even when I thought things were ok I knew to expect something to go wrong. If I did this, the crash from the let down just didn’t seem as hard.
The first thing that I remember really impacting was at my friends’ party. Too much alcohol, too much pot, too much to handle.
“Hey Belinda! Come up stairs with me”
“Why?”
“Just come”
I went. Mistake.
Pushed on the bed I wanted to scream, I tried. Nothing. My mind knew I didn’t want to do this. But nothing was coming out of my stupid muted mouth.
“This is what you’re supposed to do, this is the only reason guys actually talk to girls at parties you know.”
Still nothing. I knew it wasn’t true, it’s not like I was 5 anymore.
“Take them off.”
“I…I don’t want to”
Wow the mute can talk….
“I don’t care, take them off”

He left me lying on the bed. I was dizzy, dis-orientated. I got up and walked over to the stairs. One step after the next.
Next thing I was up against the railing, neck crushed under me with my leg over my head.
“****! Buzz…you ok?”
“uuuuuuuhh”
“She’s bleeding! Ew…..”
“It’s probably just her period….”
Or not.
Chucked into the shower all I could feel was numb, maybe it was the freezing cold water that was hitting me, maybe it was the defining sound of voice, water hitting plastic, music and my head pounding, maybe I was choosing to feel it. Whatever it was, I didn’t mind it.

It wasn't rape...not when i did that little to stop it. Inside i was fighting.
Fighting on the inside is useless

Numb became a feeling I wanted, I felt kind of safe when I was numb. Because even if I wasn’t actually safe, I didn’t know about what was going on around me.
Cutting was a different feeling, cutting hurt. I like pain. I like blood. I like seeing my own blood and being in that kind of pain. But this numb was….amazing.

[Breadsticks]

Oh hun

I hope you're okay atm. I'm always here to chat ya know

You are a good writer :) Don't put yourself down by comparing yourself to others, in your own eyes you never seem as good. But it's not true.

Take Care sweetie ;)

Xxxxx

[Liar.]

thanks tashy
but im fine.

[crazykat]

*huge hugs*
I hope it helped you to write it out

[Zedebee]

*cuddles tight*
Love you, Miss Bee xx

[Sian]

I'm sorry you had to go through such an awful experience but you write about it very well. I hope it helps you to write about. Stay safe

*hugs*
Sian
xxx

[PaperClip]

Hun **huggles**

You can write, i can tell its from the heart, take your time and be safe!

Pm if ya ever wana talk !

PaperClip! Mwah xx

[Popple]

*cuddles tight*
Sweetie you did not deserve that
I know you probably won't believe me
It is hard to I know
But I wouldn't lie to you and you didn't deserve that at all.

I hope it helped to write it out and if it does
keep it up but take your time with it theres no rush sweetie

*cuddles*
take care
and you know where I am if you ever want to talk

much love
katy
xx

[Liar.]

well, im not sure it is helping, but i suppose i have to get it out some way yeah?
thanks for the replies guys but...i'm set. it WAS my fault.
Heres a little bit more. of a different thing


Whether or not I brought the first part on myself is arguable. This however, is not. This is my own fault.
I was a pretty fat little kid from about the age of 8. All through primary school I’d get teased for it
“You can be the fat ugly one and I’ll be the skinny pretty one”
“But I don’t want to.”
“You have to. Because it’s TRUE!!!”
And when I was 8, this made me sad, but I learnt to accept it. Maybe once of twice a week I would go home and cry, but I never told mum. I was too scared that I would just hear her say, “Look Belinda, you are overweight.”
Thinking back now, I know that she wouldn’t, even if I was.
As I got up in the years, the comments affected me more and more. By my last year of secondary school-when I was about 11/12, I was absolutely miserable.
I’m so sure that the fact that I was fat was the reason I had no friends. I was nice to people, I helped them out if they wanted it, I did stuff for them. I did everything a good friend would do. Except I was fat.
First day of college terrified me, all I could think about was how I could hid my fatness so the other girls wouldn’t see it, so maybe at this new school I would have some friends. I was, after all going to be here for the next 5 years.
There was the occasional comment by some people but in general they were ok.
By the 3rd month I had lost so much of the weight anyway, so would anyone when you have to walk up 5 flights of stairs multiple times a day.
4 years on everything came back. It’s not that the comments had started up again; it’s that I learnt what anorexia and bulimia were. I learnt that there was a way I could maybe have control over something, over my weight. For once in my life I had an opportunity to be skinny, and I couldn’t wait.
Not eating at all wasn’t really an option; still living at home I couldn’t just suddenly decide that every night I would not be hungry. So instead I decided that I would eat dinner, but I wouldn’t allow myself to keep it in me.
I occasionally had lunch, but again would force it back up.
Stupid as I am I thought that I could make it so that this would only happen for a short amount of time, just until I was thin enough to be truly classed as thin.
A year later and I’m still doing it. I play sport at least 5 times a week, I eat maybe once a day.
I’m still not thin, and I’m getting scared. If this won’t make me thin then what will? And what is my mind willing to make me do to achieve it.
I brought bulimia on myself, and now I don’t know how to stop it. I’m not sure I want to stop it. It still gives me a feeling of control.
Control is all I want.
Control.

[ashlee_118]

*cuddles* hope your doing ok hun here if you want to talk
Ash xoxo

[crazykat]

*Cuddles tight*
This is good hun

[Sian]

*hugs*

I know you are probably not in a place to believe it right now, but what happened to you wasn't your fault and developing bulimia, that isn't your fault either no matter how much it feels like it is. You are doing well letting this out. I hope it does help you but please stay safe and look after yourself.

*more hugs*
Sian
xxx

[Liar.]

you're my best friend.
maybe more for the last 9 months but now, my best friend
and now, now you chose to hurt me.
i thought you cared.
instead you took advantage.
i told you it hurt, you kept going.
only interested in if you were going to be satisfied at the end of it all.
you just kept going and now i cant even stand to think about you.
it hurt, a told you.
you could see it on my face.
im only 16, remember that.
when youre married and have kids remember that i was only 16.
i suppose, at least for you im legal. thats really all that matters isn't it?
it doesnt matter that youre 5 years older then me.
yes i'd had sex before, but
5 years.
5 ****ing years.
you hurt me.


i lost my best friend.
i lost the best guy i ever knew.
and i lost in all because i tried to give him what he wanted.
it's my fault that i got hurt.
it's my fault, i let him do it.
i could have said no.
i didn't
i didn't because it's what he wanted.
and thats the only reason im here, to give guys what they want.

but i failed, i failed then and im still failing.
"it's not rape...if you deserve it"
and i deserved it.
every. single. time.

[crazykat]

YOu didn't deserve it, no one ever deserves it *gentle hugs*

[Sian]

You didn't deserve it, you don't deserve it. No one has the right to do that to you. No one. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but it wasn't your fault. Not in any way at all.

*hugs*

Sian
xxx

[PaperClip]

There is no way that you deserved anything that happened!

Hope your ok! ((huggles^100))

[Liar.]

hey, just wanted to say thanks for reading and for being so nice.
i appreciate it.
xox
hope youre all ok

[Liar.]

this doesnt actually go anywhere. its a big loop

Whether or not it’s all happening in my head, I’m not sure. It might be. I could be making it all up. It might not actually be there. I can’t tell and I hate it.
He’s there all the time; he just doesn’t always speak up, but when he does…I'm screwed. Its like a pipe band is going off in my head and no matter what I do I can’t get it to stop until I do what they want. Until I do what he wants. Until I hurt myself.
He doesn’t have a name; I won’t give him one, for that he hates me. But he hates me for a lot of other reasons too. Because I have a little bit of hope, because I want to do things my own way, because I think he’s full of crap. He hates other people too, people that claim to care. People that try and help. But he doesn’t hate them because they care or try and help, he hates them because they talk to me.
He’s been there since I was about 7, since about the time when the number of friends I had started deteriorating, he was the one telling me it was good. He doesn’t want me to have friends. I'm not allowed friends.
And so I try, I try to do things so that he won’t be mad, because when he’s mad I get scared. But I can’t. I’m not good enough for him. I never will be good enough for him.
Its worse when the real he comes around, that one isn’t in my head, he’s real. He’s scary. He doesn’t hit hard, he hits hard enough so that I know he’s not kidding. But trust me I know. From the moment when he stood there and said to me
“You don’t like yourself do you?”
“…no…no I don’t”
“Good. So you want to die then, I can make that happen. I can help you. Take off your clothes”
I knew he wasn’t kidding, the look in his eyes said so. They told me that no matter what, no matter how much I didn’t want to do it. I had to. He was, after all, helping me. He was going to get me out of this whole mess of a life I had created.
But now, now he doesn’t help, he just hits. Sometimes hard, sometimes with things.
But it’s my fault. I should have done what he wanted.
I should have just given into him.
Just like I should give into the one in my head.
But I won’t.
Not yet.

[PaperClip]

Hugs hun - hope your ok - keep strong!!

Huggles!

[Sian]

*hugs* Hope you are looking after yourself, this is very powerful stuff to share and to deal with.

Sian
xxx