i wanted to post something, and then i couldn't think of anything to say... i guess i dont actually need support, there's nothing wrong... i couldn't think of anything to post about, to ask for help with or anything, and i still had to just f***ing post something... cause i guess i just need peope to pay attention to me all the f***ing time... and i keep wanting people to see my cuts, i cut even when nothing's wrong just cause there aren't any fresh cuts so there wouldn't be any chance of soemone seeing... i started wearing arm warmers that i know are gonna get pushed down by my jacket when i take it off, so my arm will be visible for a second before i pull the armwarmer back up... and i plan that so far in advance, too, it's f***ing pathetic... "i'll cut tonight, and then tomorrow i'll wear those arm warmers and that jacket, and make sure someone's looking when i take my jacket off in class, and maybe someone'll see"... it's f***ing pathetic. expecially since i'm already getting counseling, and student services knows what's going on, so there's no reason to keep doing this, and if any of my profs found out and told student services something was up then student services might be even more likely to call my parents about the other thing... so it's a f***ing stupid thing to do... and it kinda hurt that my therapist hasn't asked to see my cuts for the last two sessions, even though it's embarasssing to show her them, or at least i think it is, maybe its not really, maybe i'm just purely an attention seeker and there's not even anything else...
god, i f***ing hate myself
and i want to cut except there's no point, cause who would even ever know about it, cause my therapist isn't asking to see them anymore, and i can't go to the hospital again ever even if i could cut deep enough to need to, which i can't anyway so i guess it doesn't matter, and the other person who i want to see them probably wouldn't even say anything anyway cause teh bloody ethics code says its none of her business to ask if i dont' volunteer it, even though i thought that not getting my homework done and not talking in class and having f***ing cuts on my arm would count as volunteering it, cause its not like i can actually say it without being asked, so that's as close as i can f***ing get to telling anyway... which if course i wouldnt expcet anyway to notice anyway, and i dont know what else i want anyway, cause i'm already getting therapy... even if we did spend have the session talking about f***ing hamsters! it/s just so f***ing stupid and pathetic...
