Going back to the doctors this afternoon.
Terrified.
I stopped taking ADs in June, though I probably shouldn't have.
And I'm beginning to wish I hadn't.
So I'm going back to the doctors.
And I'm scared.
But I know I need to go, I really feel like I'm falling apart again.
I can't stop thinking about cutting, and I haven't SI'd in about 9 months, but I feel close to giving in. And I know they will be bad. Deep like before...
Before when I always needed stitches, a few times a week. Before when I ended up ODing, I feel so close to being in that place again, and I'm terrified of it. I want to cut, I want to just give up and stop fighting. But I don't.
My anxiety is bad again, though actually I don't think it ever went away. I worry about leaving the house, going to lecture or work, I panic, I get nervous, I feel nauseous. If I need to make phone calls, answer the phone, make appointments. I worry about tomorrow, the day after, next week, next year, my dissertation, my degree, everything, all the time. If I have to leave the house on my own, its worse, or go to lecture on my own. I feel anxious all the time. For no reason. And I hate it. I really can't stand it anymore. Thoughts of cutting and suicide are taking over again.
So I know I need to go back to the doctors, get help and get back on the meds before I fall apart again. But I'm so scared. I don't know what to say. How to explain, and I'm scared and more anxious than usual. I'm terrified.
Last edited by Lora : 06-03-2008 at 10:52 AM.
I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this Dead and Eternal snow.
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there, and lie to me and tell me it’s gonna be Alright.
- Conor Oberst
hey..
im so proud of you for going to the doctor, and for ringing in the first place. i know how hard it is for you. in the long term though, you know you need to go, that hopefully itll make life a bit easier for you.
i think you just need to be as honest as possible, maybe print out what you wrote here and just give it to them? or at least take it as a backup plan incase you cant talk when you get in there.
i'll be thinking of you, i love you my dear, and il help you in anyway i can.
xxxx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
hey Lora sweetie
i am so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now
but it is SO GREAT and amazing that you have the courage to go to the dr's
you know what to do, you know that you need this help
it will suck while you are there and while you are talking to them, but just think about how relieved you will be when it is over and how much better you will feel once you start getting help and maybe start meds again
you can do it honey - you know you need it!
good luck and let us know how you get on
xxxooo
callie
Hunni I am so proud of you, for many reasons:
First, for being so responsible and brave and going to the doctors. That is not an easy thing to do and I hope you are proud of yourself as well.
Second, almost 9 months?! Wow, sweetie, what an accomplishment. I am very impressed. And it goes back to the first reason, that you realize seeing the doctor will be helpful in staying SI free, in staying safe... Wow. Hats off to you hun.
Good luck and much love
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Just tell the doctor what you told us. As was said by happydays, print out what you just posted.
It is okay to be scared. Being courageous is not being without fear. It is facing those fears and doing what you're afraid of doing. Even the little things count for courage.
Let us know how it goes?
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
The appointment was OK. Glad it's over. I'd never met the doctor before, but he was very understanding and was really nice, which always helps. He has put me back on ADs - paroxetine this time... we'll see how it goes.
Thank you for your support, it means a lot.
Lora xxx
I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this Dead and Eternal snow.
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there, and lie to me and tell me it’s gonna be Alright.
- Conor Oberst
