Where to begin? There's so much. It's not too important. I'm not doing too badly. But I tend to underestimate how poorly I'm doing, so I'm afraid that it's all going to come to a head soon. Maybe I'm not doing as well as I would like to think. I'm doing so much better than I was. I feel horrible for taking up space here when there are people who clearly need it more than me. I was in the same place as a lot of other posters, and I feel so horrible for them. I wish I could help more, and I'm so thankful that I'm doing better now! I still need help though, I guess. I need to wake up. I need to cut. I need to make sure I'm alive. I need to be real. I don't know why I'm even bothering. No one here can fix this for me, I'm sorry that I'm wasting space.
I have been in my own world all day. I have a test on Wednesday for a class for which I have not even opened the book. You'd think that would scare me into studying, but no, it hasn't. I even almost failed out of college last semester because I was so depressed. I'm going to fail out again if I don't do something. I got an A on the first test without studying much, but at least I went to class and studied some. I haven't done anything this time! I've just been exercising and binging. What a lovely use of time! I am so pathetic. I did this for control. I starved myself for years for CONTROL. And now I have none. I'm overweight (truly) out of control, and pathetic. I used to starve myself WHILE staying at the top of my class. Now I can barely handle a pathetic history course. I've taken AP history; this is nothing, yet I can't concentrate. I've already eaten so much today. I'm going to get so fat again. I can't control myself. I can't believe I'm doing this. My parents are going to find out eventually if I keep this up. I don't want them to know. My mom would probably understand, but I don't want her to know anything. I want to be in control of my life for once. When she knows things it makes me feel like I have no control again. I can't handle it. Feeling out of control reminds me of being sexually abused. I really can't handle this. Actually, of course I can handle it, I have to, right? What have I been doing for the past six years? I spent all my time around triggers for the sexual abuse. I didn't sleep for a few years hoping that I could somehow pay for my sin. I would maybe, just maybe, be clean again. But that didn't work. Then I starved for a few years, but the doctors took away even more. I can't believe I had to go through some of those things. I can't believe they made me undress in front of my mom "just to make sure there's nothing else wrong." I can't believe I now have to deal with the sexual abuse and being touched by the doctors without my consent (what else could i have said? i had no choice! they said they'd put me in a home if i didn't gain weight-i had to cooperate- just like the children and youth worker said when i wouldn't go to school because of the sexual abuse the first time! it was the same thing all over again.)
I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to. Obviously, I can handle it. I used to go to school for seven hours a day where i was triggered by practically everything, and then spend the night at home around my dad who is the biggest trigger I've ever been around. I wanna feel clean again! I don't want to be guilty forever. Please don't tell me it wasn't my fault. It doesn't matter. I'm still guilty. I still feel him touching me every time someone coughs or sniffs or sneezes or does one of a huge number of things. I can't handle class anymore because the kid who always sits behind me coughs the entire way through class. I don't know how to pay for what I feel when I'm in class. I can't cut. I've been self harming to absolve some of this for years- I can just bite my lip or pinch my arm for the entire class- it's not enough. I'm not even doing anything now. I sleep. I eat. I eat entirely too much. I even try not to eat, but I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH FUCKING SELF CONTROL ANYMORE! I loathe myself! I'm so disgusting. I don't have high grades anymore. I'm not thin anymore. I'm so fat that I'm scared to leave the room at times. I don't even wanna think about my parents. That's enough to make me cut for hours. I'm a horrible daughter. They haven't even done much wrong. It's my fault! I can't even remember too take my antidepressants anymore. I took one today, but I forgot for about ten days. I'm pathetic. I just didn't care enough to remember. All I've done is eat. I don't remember anything else. It's just a blur of food, and my own world that I retreat to when I can't handle things. I should be able to control whether I do this or not, but I don't. If I tried really hard I could, but it's less painful if I'm there. I have a test in one fucking day! I need to read three chapters! All I can do is eat and distance myself from everything! I need to do something. I don't know what, but I need SOMETHING! I don't think cutting is helping enough now. I'm need something stronger. I need to wake up. I need to bleed. I need to know that I'm still here. I need to realize that there's a test, and I need to stop eating. I need to understand reality. I don't know how to accomplish this.
