Triggering (Abuse) - memories, did right thing?

[blondiebear]

No flashbacks over the weekend, or nightmares that either my husband or I remember. Instead I've been putting bits and pieces of memories together.

Abuse through neglect. I got medical attention when they thought I was being "lazy" which I now realize was clinical depression. I remember Julia-mom saying "you just used to sniff all the time." If that had been taken care of I might have not spent so much of my life with agonizing throat, sinus and ear infections. I remember doing some unusual stuff to ease the feverish ache in my ear. Now I'm losing hearing on that side.

If you're squeamish, skip this paragraph.
Julia took my scoliosis as a personal insult. Jerre-dad threatened to solve the problem of my slouching; he'd have put a board and wired it into place under my arms and around my shoulders so when I slouched it would dig in and remind me not to slouch.
My aa sponsor gasped when she heard what Jerre threatened.

Julia is a self-centered bitch. Jerre is a wife-whipped authoritarian mean hillbilly.

I'm accepting the memories as they come, thinking about them, journaling about them, and then letting them go. It is an ongoing process and it isn't over yet.

Being in gratitude helps. Just in case I forget to say this, I'm grateful for your ongoing help:

*All of you at RYL for your words and hugs
*my brother-friend for his phone calls to check up on me and listening to the horrors of my life
*my aa sponsor for her common sense words of advice
*my daddy-friend whose soothing words and awesome hugs have helped more than I can say
*my dear husband who invites me to curl up next to his heart.

[Kija]

big hugs, i've messaged you, and i totally agree with putridangel, i am in awe of your strength and you marraige!

speak to you soon till then a really big girly squeeze.
lots of love
xxx

[pea soup]

*gentle snuggles*
i can relate Susan.
those threats must have been horrifying as a child.
my father was the same type.
im glad youre able to process these memories.
and im so happy that you have an awesome support group.
keep fighting girl.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[chocostashchick]

hey Susan honey
Rowie is right - you have amazing strength and you have built and maintained a support system that is brilliant and strong and lovely and i hope that you are proud of yourself and recognize how brave and strong you are

i know these memories aren't pleasant and i am so so sorry that you had to live through them the first time and now again, but at least now you are strong enough to process them and let go

stay strong honey! take care of yourself
love callie

[~*forever_broken*~]

*hugs*
Oh Dear RYL Mother Susan, I am so sorry for all you went through. No wonder you are so wonderful. You managed to get through all that and still be a very kind strong woman.

Much, much love, dearest RYL Mother.

Alyssa

[blondiebear]

I've talked about this so many times but I can't get it out of my system. Maybe I'm doing it to get attention? It is about how I felt then. I don't feel this way now.

A lot of the time when I think about my teen years, I think about something that happened when I was 15. I was in the hiking club and we were in Yosemite, major mountains and cliffs. I almost fell off a 1400 foot cliff. My teacher pulled me to safety. There have been times since then when I've been feeling horrid and wondered...I don't wonder any more. I'm glad to be alive.

What happened then was about my parents. I'm having a challenging time getting that toxic emotional stuff out of my system. I did another chapter in the child abuse workbook Tuesday evening, one about remembering. There's a reason that my mood all week has been tearful.

Some of my character defects are driving me nuts. One of the prayers I say in the morning includes "I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows." I so don't get how this doesn't interfere with my usefulness.

Sorry if you're cross-eyed now. Thanks for reading this.

[Stellata]

Character defects? Where did you get that idea? It sounds a very deameaning term. I know it's a phrase I abuse myself with often.

[chocostashchick]

aww honey, you know what? i think to some degree that these things that we go through that hurt us and then we survive and become stronger, never leave our system. it isn't something that ever completely goes away and never comes to mind again. i think what happens is that you heal, you learn and you come to terms with it, and then slowly you think about it less and less. it's okay to think about it, though, and that doesn't make you an attention-seeker. you know what though? if you are thinking about it and it makes you feel sad, which you have every right to feel because you did not deserve that to happen, it is perfectly okay to go seek out attention from somebody you love to make you feel better. that is healthy and normal and totally fine.

please don't worry too much about your character defects. nobody is perfect and we aren't supposed to be. our flaws make us unique, our quirks make us who we are, and if we were perfect everybody would hate us and be really jealous and we wouldnt have any friends because who could stand being around somebody perfect? (that was meant to be light-hearted and sarcastic so i hope i didnt offend haha) anyway, you are far from useless! i also think that our defects, our flaws and the things that we struggle with, can make us MORE useful because we learn from them and they help us sympathise and advise other people because we have lived and learned and other people can learn vicariously through us.

i hope that made some sense and wasn't totally garbled. i did have a point and wanted to give support and advice but i'm not articulate today for some reason :-o

hugs for you dear Susan
you are so not useless, you are so kind and helpful and i hope you see that
xxxooo

[blondiebear]

I realized after my last post in the thread that not long after my teacher saved me from falling off that cliff is when I started to self injure.

I've been fighting needyness as a character defect since September. You are all showing me that it is okay to need others. I was able to say "needy" this morning when my girlfriends asked how I was doing.

I had a nice lunch with my sponsor and I'll see her again tomorrow.

I don't know how he knew that i'm not in a good place; Daddy-friend's hugs were so understanding and reassuring and made me feel better. I can't thank him enough.

Unusually enough i'm having trouble finding words tonight. The best one I can come up with is:
Thanks.

[chocostashchick]

so i have two more for you:
You're Welcome :)

needyness isn't a flaw at all - it's normal and much better than the alternative!
the only people who aren't needy are those poor antisocial hermity people and they are no fun to be around because they don't need people at all and prefer to be hermit-like and alone!

so glad to hear that you and your sponsor had a good time
he sounds very perceptive and like a perfect sponsor to have

xxxooo

[blondiebear]

Yet more stinking memories.

When I was 14, I went camping in the mountains with my best friend and her parents. My parents had been fighting my slouch since I was 11. A few days into the trip and one of my friends parents noted how much my slouch had eased.

We were camping at a marsh/meadow and I adore wading in mountain streams. On that trip I had 147 mosquito bites in about 4 days. I was a kid, counting them was part of the fun. Mosquitos love blonde skin. The parents gave me a pill that they said was for the bites. Okay, the bites itched. When I got home, Julia shouted at me about it. I can see her now, standing in the door of the tv room, barefoot and uneven without her orthopedic shoes on, a crocheted scarf covering her greasy hair. And of course a mean look on her face.

On my high school trips to Yosemite, there were three of them, we were guided and taught be a private institute. One time the instructor insisted that we were going into a cave that was absolutely dark. The instructor would be in front and give directions to the next person in line etc. I'm claustraphobic and at the time was afraid of the dark. I put myself in line behind the other students, willing to try but not wanting to mess up my other participants. The two teachers from the high school were behind me. No surprise, I freaked out so the instructor had to turn on the flashlight.
The next year, that particular lesson became optional. Some of the other students told me how neat it was. I had to fight for others to accept my saying no, for them to accept my limits.

I was thinking about Jerre a couple of days ago. That stubborn clueless hillbilly has lost two daughter now. I have a half sister I've never met because of a visitation agreement Jerre had with his first wife because the agreement soured. Now because he's stubborn and won't accept my limits and accept me as I am, I'm walking away from him. He's even told me how to vote in the presidential primary election. Julia had a temper tantrum within the last two years because she and I disagreed about a crochet pattern and I called her on interrupting me. She literally stomped away crying. She did that before when I said i did not want to discuss weight and dieting.

When Julia and Jerre put a message in with the Christmas name draw slips a couple of weeks ago, Julia even told me to send an anniversary card to Julia's older sister and her husband, 50 years. Uh...1. they're telling me how to conduct my social life and 2. my uncle in the desert told me something about an event their older sisters' marriage that was awful.

At family events, Julia even nags me to do the dishes. Even after the host/hostess says no thanks. When my grandmother re-married, I did end up doing the dishes at the wedding reception. But then I was bored to tears.

At the present time, I'm trying to let go of what should have been. I don't have to exonerate them. May God forgive Julia and Jerre. I'm not yet able to.

Thanks for reading my run on rant.

[Merc]

you have been through hell and unfortunately you were made to stay there longer than most...but you made/are making it out
only a true caring ang good person could manage all that and keep your love and stability and honor
Keep some light an love
i am in awe of you hunni
love
romp

[chocostashchick]

oh honey
i am constantly amazed by how ignorant and intolerant and selfish other people can be
i think you are more forgiving and tolerant than you give yourself credit for
a less forgiving person would not even be able to pray that God forgive Julia and Jerre, and yet you were able to
keep writing and talking, i hope it gives you some peace
you have survived so much and stand here stronger for it
xxxooo

[blondiebear]

Okay, as it turns out i'm not having flashbacks since they aren't disabling and don't involve all of my senses. They are intrusive memories says my psych. Thanks, the definition of flashbacks just didn't fit but was the best word I could find for it.

Not only is Jerre a mean authoritarian hillbilly, he is clueless. Today's memory, Jerre trying to modify a pattern for a vest that was a part of the uniform for hs choir. Jerre almost shouting at me about my weird figure. I wasn't fat! I have a short waist and am seriously pear shaped. Just like his mother. Dunno if I've mentioned this before but last time I looked at my hs yearbook, when I saw myself in a photo, I asked that girl why she felt like she was so ugly. She was quite pretty. Julia was/is ugly and couldn't stand the competition.

I'm totally humbled by something one of my friends did. We've been pen-pals and friends for almost 25 years. She knows I've not been doing well, that I've been going through depression etc. I haven't been emailing messages as often as I used to. So she phoned me to see how I was doing. Long distance from Ontario Canada. She didn't have the money to pay for the whole prescription of antibiotics for her 4 year old daughter, had to wait until her 20 year old son got paid Tuesday to get the rest of the prescripton. Her daughter has Scarlet Fever and my friend can't afford all of the antibiotics.
And she phoned me to see how I was doing. I'm tearing up in gratitude. There's nothing I can say to explain how humbled and grateful I am.
While we were talking, her four year old learned how to open the front door to go outside in the snow, sick with a rash and fever. I'm laughing, that is so like that child!
I'm closer to my friend who lives 2500 miles away than I am to my sis who is 25 miles away. I've seen my friend more recently too.

I have 60 days no SI today. Again. The first time around I looked forward to adding the white bead to my bracelet, this time I had to remind myself to do it. It doesn't feel like a victory this time, it feels like yeah, so what, I had 60 days/two months before too. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do and working on what has been tearing me apart for so many years.

I'm fortunate that a high school girl in Ontario Canada wanted a pen pal in 1983. I'm humbled and blessed by her gift of friendship.

[Casper_Fading]

You're awesome. I love you.

Jess

[chocostashchick]

hey your pen pal is also lucky to have YOU - she wouldn't have called you and you wouldn't have such a great and longstanding relationship if you were not a good friend, Susan ;)

and WAHOOOOOO 60 DAYS!!!
that is an achievement, it is not a "so what?"
be proud of yourself and celebrate
this is the depression, the illness giving you feelings of mediocrity and hopelessness

xxxooo

[blondiebear]

I was an absolute Witch yesterday to one of my girlfriends. Things had been simmering for a while about a couple of issues and I just lost it. She and I are complete opposites about politics. I say I don't want to talk about it and she says that friends can argue. I suggest that it isn't nice to talk about politics and she told me those were old fashioned rules. I also have some major serious concerns about some of the things she's doing.

I ended up screaming at her. I hate to scream at people. I hate to be that kind of person. By the time of my evening meeting, I was hoarse. Then I screamed at her again. Then locked myself in the bathroom with the key in my pocket for a few minutes before the meeting.

I talked to Daddy-friend at break. He found a few paragraphs I should read, so I did. It will be easy for me to remember them, they are on pages 66 and 67. 1966 was not a great year, that's when I was born. 1967 was an awesome year, that's when my husband was born.

I hate it when I get to the point I feel like I will explode and hurt other people, or just as violently implode and SI and hurt myself. So after the meeting I said three key words from the reading to show that I had the idea. I said that I would need to take 48 hours and cool down before I could talk to my girlfriend. I grew up in such violence that it my temper scares me! Daddy-friend said that I didn't have to explode or implode. Then he gave me a cuddle-hug and he gives such nice ones.

This morning i sent an email to my girlfriend apologizing for what I'd said and letting her know that I still needed to calm down. She said she forgave me and would talk to me then. I talked to my sponsor at lunch today too and she knows about my temper. So this weekend I need to read pages 66 and 67. And actually learn what is in them.

I hate my temper. I hate the violence that is part of me because of Jerre and Julia and my sister Heather. I've had time to learn to deal with it but hate that it is still there! That my reaction when i'm pushed too far or am injured or startled will always be violence.

[chocostashchick]

it's always scary to feel really angry, i hate it
i'm sorry you and your friend argued, and maybe she didnt deserve to be yelled at i don't know, but she did deserve a bit of a wake-up call because it sounds like she wasn't listening to you and respecting your conversational boundaries: you said you didn't want to talk about politics and it should have ended there but she pushed things
you clearly are really learning your limits and how to manage your feelings, by knowing you needed to take 48 hours and writing her that nice email. that is very wise and mature of you :)

[blondiebear]

Pardon me please if I'm being a post pest. This is just kind of on the same topics.

I don't know how many of you know about the tornadoes in Atlanta Georgia. A major tornado went through the city and as we watched they showed us where the next tornadoes were likely to be as the storms continued through Georgia, north of Atlanta.

Jerre's brothers, all three of them, live in western or northern suburbs of Atlanta. I phoned Jerre to let him know so he could turn on the news. It seemed like it would have been some kind of rude neglect if I hadn't.

Jerre did take a second to invite us to a get together for Easter. I'm so glad that we already have plans to go out to the desert!

I'm on good terms with the oldest of my uncles in Georgia. I'll send them a message next week asking them how everyone is doing.

Even though I'm separating from my parents, did I do the right thing by phoning Jerre? They abused me horribly. But I don't want to be a mean person.

I really want opinions and insight. Thanks.

[chocostashchick]

i think you did the right thing

you probably would have felt guilty if you hadn't because you are that nice of a person, and overall it sounds like it was an okay phone call if he even invited you for easter

it also shows that you have distanced yourself somewhat from them, but you are also willing to live and let live and to some degree try and put the past behind you and be civil, which is nice because it's sort of like closure and shows that you are being the bigger person and being mature

good for you Susan hunny!