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Wanting something different
I'm so tired of fighting with this.
I moved last weekend. Partly because of conflicts with my old roommates, partly because I had planned to move anyway, partly because the place I'm at now seemed so perfect (I really do love it here, more than I can express. It's made me so ridiculously happy- I even got to pick what colors I wanted my room painted, and the people here LOVE my cat and are so incredibly nice to her), partly cuz it just felt like it was time to move again, and partly because it gave me a new sense of security again.
My old roommates used to always try to force me to eat. It was horrible. It made me eat less. I went shopping this weekend to get food, since I don't want anyone here to see that I'm not eating. God, the grocery store was a horrible experience. A total of 6 stores and over 8 hours later though, I now have some salad, carrots, vitamin water, and some fruit in the fridge. It's not much, I know. Going into the store and looking at all that food just provoked panic attack after panic attack and it was a difficult thing to face all by myself. I'm amazed I even was able to get what I did.
I even ate a bit of salad last night too... went hiking on a 20 mile hike and I think I over exerted myself too much. Even eating the salad was difficult though... and it's a freaking salad... it shouldn't be difficult, and I don't understand why it is. It didn't used to be difficult. :( And the people I live with... it's this dad, his two teenage kids, and the kids grandma. Grandma is really nice, even insists I call her grandma and she's been doing her best to make me feel right at home. She's a really amazingly cool grandma too, nothing like my grandma or the rest of my abusive family for that matter. But she made a comment last night, after she asked how my day went and what I had been doing (another thing that truely amazes me about this family- they ask about your day and actually WANT to know what you've done, they're actually interested in it... I don't yet understand why, it's sorta interesting in a perplexing sort of way though). After I told her about hiking, she thought that was a lot of activity and made the comment of "no wonder, that's why you're so skinny". I didn't let her know, but that comment ended up being REALLY upsetting to me. I hate that. I don't want to keep having this battle with myself anytime someone says something like that, that is probably meant to be nice. I can't help it though. It's like this automatic thing... because automatically, the first reaction to that was to think "she's lying... you're fat, not skinny by any standards, you're still the same pathetically huge size you've been for the past month and a half, you just need to push yourself harder"
When does it get easier? Does it ever? Or is this just going to be an area in my life where I'll always struggle and feel miserably hopeless?
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