Triggering (Suicide) - Blindsided

[pea soup]

it came out of no where.
ive never felt its intensity like this.
the NEED to take my life.
i feel so ****ing selfish because i am in the BEST relationship ive ever had and should be happy.
suicidal thoughts have never snuck up on me like this. theyve always built up.
but friday night i actually thought i was going to kill myself.
im a little depressed but nothing i cant handle.
i dont understand it at all.
i stayed in bed all day yesterday just to avoid those thoughts.
we have a busy week this week which means i have to pull myself together.
and my son is coming next weekend. i HAVE to get it together.
something is definitely not right with me.

[chocostashchick]

yay that keith is coming!!!! that's GREAT :) you need to focus on that and on all of the good things that you have to live for
maybe make a nice list of happy things and add to it and revisit it when you need to?

you should talk to somebody about this asap
please call your new psych and keep him updated. this is exactly the sort of thing he will want and need to know about - you might want to move up your appt or make an emergency one.
does kelly know? please talk to her and your doc and if you need to, if you feel really low and like doing something drastic, call a crisis line.
you are a fighter and you can fight this. have you changed any meds recently that might have brought this on?

take care of yourself rach honey
fight this! this isn't the real you - like you said this is the illness, this is something that isn't right at the moment, and you can beat it
xxxooo

[pea soup]

youre right callie....this isnt me and hasnt been for a long time.

Kelly knows about it. i tell her everything.
i have an appt. with my therapist tomorrow. ive thought of cancelling it because Kelly has a follow-up with her surgeon also. and i dont want to have to make 2 trips out of the house.
i know that sounds pathetic but its been really hard for me doing all this getting out of the house.
but after the past few days i KNOW i need to see my therapist.
and we are really short on money right now. i mean REALLY short. and i hate that.
everything seems to be on top of me at once and im trying to dig myself out of this hole. i want to throw a fit like a little kid but thats ridiculous.
i really NEED to cry but its just not happening. ive been trying for days now.

thank you callie. you always make such great sense to me.
loves.
xxxxx

[chocostashchick]

aw thanks! i'm glad i make sense to you because sometimes i wonder since i don't always make sense to myself haha

you are right - you NEED to see your therapist so no cancelling! not allowed!! i know that going to all these appts is draining, but you have really been doing so so well with it all and i know that you can make it tomorrow! remember that you won't be alone. kelly will be there and your therapist will help you. think how relieved and proud of yourself you will be at the end of the day when it is all over!!

[blondiebear]

You can do it. Please talk to your therapist. Let the money sort itself out. You need to take care of yourself.
Hugs

[pea soup]

thank you all.

im getting through the day.
i only got about 3 hours of sleep last night.
i had a flashback and was in too much pain to sleep.
we went to Kelly's follow up appt. this morning with the surgeon. all is going well with that.
but my thoughts still seem to be haunting me.
i have therapy in about an hour and im going. meh.
i really really dont want to get out again...but i have to.
i hate this endless feeling of doom and have no idea where its coming from.
im doing everything im supposed to....taking my meds...going to therapy.....getting out of the house when i REALLY am terrified.
so what the hell is wrong with me???????
i dont know...im only rambling now......

[pea soup]

it wont go away.....

[pea soup]

thank you rowie bird.
love you to pieces.
im going to be ok.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[chocostashchick]

i am going to be your personal stalker right now and follow you around in your head going "Way to go Rach! You can do it! You're a therapy success!! Wahooooo Therapy!"

there is nothing wrong with you - you are doing everything right! take your meds, go to therapy, and talk and work things out and you will get through this stressful patch and come out the other end stronger and wiser. considering all the complete crap going on right now, it is totally understandable that you are so scared and stressd out. you are doing all the right things though: you are fighting it and going to all your appts and taking your meds and talking to kelly and your therapist and that is beyond amazing. i really really wish you could see how strong and great you are - you never give yourself enough credit and you dismiss your strength and fighting spirit and you shouldnt do that because it's great and you're great.

have a good therapy and remember that i am in your head stalking you and cheering you on and when you go out for the second time to that appt we are all there with you
xxxooo

[pea soup]

i really need to bitch and vent...so im just going to do it here since ive already got this thread open.

i am SICK AND TIRED of being physically sick....physically in pain....and being in physical pain from the flashbacks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my therapist has given me alot of papers to read on psychosomatic pain....which is good...but also irritates me a bit because alot of the time i have visible symptoms of an "attack".....like swelling etc.

i have a fever of almost 102 F........and have pretty much decided i have the flu because im already on penicillin. ugggggggggggggggggggggghhh.

Keith is coming this weekend and i HAVE to be ok.

i feel so stressed.
i have to redress Kelly's wound today.
the nurse showed me how to pack it and unpack it. its seems very simple and we have all the materials. but im so afraid i'll not sterilize something enough and end up giving her an infection. i know i should trust myself. ive dealt with many patients in my past work history.
i guess its just because she is my wife and its scary.

the house needs to be cleaned. its not that bad. there are a few dishes that need to be washed...just everyday chores.
but the fever has made my head dizzy and fuzzy and everytime i stand up...i get dizzy.

im so anxious about seeing Keith this weekend. i always get like this. but it always goes nice. i dont know why i worry.

but this time i am having FLASHBACKS!!!!.....nearly everyday. i CANNOT let my son witness that. so my plan is when i feel one coming on...i will run to the bathroom...let it happen...and then try my best to keep functioning no matter how bad it hurts.
im angry that im having to go through this.

i know there are grounding techniques...but my doc and therapist have told me to let them happen because its a sign of me finally healing. and the more i try to fight them off...the worse they are.

i must get insurance on my van this week. im so happy i have a vehicle now....and a nice one!!!! im glad Keith will get to see that his Mommy is becoming more independent.
then next month....im going to Nashville to watch Keith compete in the state championship with DI(destination imagination). his team won the regionals and now hes competing for state. if he wins state...he will go to globals!!!! hes really excited and so am i.

ive been feeling more helpless lately due to the flashbacks and dissociating...which ive been doing a bit of. Kelly is good at "bringing me back". but its stressful on both of us.

i feel myself really really needing to hide away. so im forcing myself to stay as active as possible even through sickness. i hate this.

i want to feel better.
sorry for the ridiculously long rant.
xxxx

[pea soup]

awww......thanks Callie.
we must have been posting again at the same time.
you are a dear friend.
maybe youre stalking in my head will help!!!!!
i'll remember youre there!!!!
love you.
xxxxxxx

[chocostashchick]

*dances around in your head and talks to you*

aww i am sorry you are still sick rach
i don't know if it will help you, but when i get colds or flu i take lots of echinacea and EmergenC (that vitamin C immune system boost drink) and i think it helps - maybe you could talk to your GP because if you are still on penicillin and still sick and not getting better maybe you have something other than the flu?

you will do fine redressing Kelly's wound. honestly, when you have surgery they give you so many antibiotics and stuff that you could fall into a landfill and probably not get an infection. anyway, as long as you wash your hands like twice before and don't sneeze on her and use the clean materials they gave you, it will be fine. no worrying!!

leave the chores for tomorrow, or later tonight after you feel better - they can wait for now. you need to rest and relax with Kelly!

i'm glad to hear Keith is doing so well! that's exciting!
yay about the van! new cars are fun :)
you said that you are excited for Keith to see that you are getting more independent, but i just have to throw in my two cents and say that you have always been amazingly independent. you have been supporting yourself and others for so long and doing so well taking care of yourself! and now you are doing even better!

*continues to dance in your head*
*Go Rachel! Have a great day! Yippeee therapy!!!*

[*Kelly*]

just rest and take things one day at a time baby girl. it's all gonna be ok. and callie's soooo right. you never ever give yourself enough credit. i too wish that you could really see how strong and independent you really are. you always dismiss the great qualities you have. and it's such a shame you don't/can't see them. everything will be just fine. just drink some good vitamin c drinks, get all the rest you can and let me take good care of you. and NO MORE WORRYING! everything's gonna work itself out, ok??? ok??? ok then. glad you got me ;) sweet kisses.

all my love,
your baby girl
XOXOXOXOXOX