So I'm fairly nervous right now. I just met someone, and I kind of like them. In the, I brought them home and fooled around a bit but pants stayed on (shirts didn't). I haven't even kissed someone in over a year - mostly by choice from bad memories and all.
Anyways, I have a history of self-injury. Unfortunately, that history has left me with some serious scars since the last time I was intimate. It was dark last night, so I'm not sure if she saw the marks.. But I think she may have felt the scars on my arm. She did run her fingers over that area on my inner arm and the scars are bad enough to be felt easily, and I'm not sure what to think yet.
I guess a lot of this is "I'm nervous, does she really like me? Will she hate me because of my past?" I mean, I wear long sleeve shirts even to bed at this point and I don't even let people who know how much damage I did see.
I don't injure myself anymore (I have 6+ months between incidents, so I consider myself pretty much fully in recovery), but how do you get over the scars. I've never scarred this badly before. It's odd, I guess.
I mean, I didn't lie to her or anything. I told her I'm on medication that messes with my head when I drink (And made me a super light weight - I get really tipsy with two drinks, if not one), and that I missed a final last semester due to being in the ER.
Anyone else have advice on explaining scars to a new lover? (Especially when "cat scratches" or other simple reasoning is really not going to cut it).
When my boyfriend (fiance) and I first talked and it was a slight possibility we might have got together I just flat out told him. I couldnt hide them from him and they're obviously not from anything accidental. I told him everything then and there so if he wanted to he could have run. But he didn't. At that point I wasn't quite a month cut free. So I don't know. I would say honesty. Is it better to be honest and lose her now before you get right into it. Or dishonest and have her find out (which will eventually happen). You've stopped. You're in recovery. If she leaves that is not because you're a bad person. not even becasue she's a bad person. It's just... because some people just can't handle it. But I would reccomend being honest. Ask her to come over to chat and tell her that way. Not when you've been drinking or have been out on a date. But yeah. Honesty is a good way to start. As i've been told many times by my parents... no good relationship can be built on a foundation of lies. I dunno though, it's just my opinion. *hugs*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Be honest. My ex had a lot of scars and honestly, i kind of figured out what he'd been doing by myself. If she is worth your time she will accept your past and your scars. Be honest....tell her your worried about telling her, but that you want to be honest with her and go from there. people are more understanding then you might think.xx
There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you.
But there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.
I aint no abacus but you can count on me.
It does help lots to hear other people have made it through this, and still are with someone. Thanks!
I figured honesty was the best way to go - obviously relationships built on lies aren't really worth much. I guess this is so hard because she's the first person to really *notice* me in a long time.. And honestly, it's a weird feeling still. Good weird, but weird none the less.
I have all but spelled it out for her though, 'cause when I told her I had to go to the ER I said I drank too much and had a bad reaction with my meds that I wasn't expecting and mixed sharps in the mix..
I guess it's hard to bring up, since I'm trying to focus so much on the now and not the past.
I just hate feeling so unsure of myself. I guess new relationships on their own do that too...
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
i think that our scars really on their own aren't what people judge and aren't what is significant, so much as a physical reminder of what we go through and have gone through mentally and all that stuff. if she knows about and already accepts your illness, and knows about the meds and the being in the ER thing and all that, she kind of already knows, and i would guess might even have figured out the SI part like griddlebone did. like you said, honesty is totally the best policy, but keep in mind too that you shouldn't feel rushed to reveal this. you should do it at your own pace. unless she asks outright, you don't really owe her an immediate explanation or revelation of all your secrets. you said that you already sort of spelled it out for her anyway, she knows the basics i guess, so this is sort of the intimate details bit. good luck with everything! it's nice that she's really *noticed* you and i hope you guys have fun.
xxxooo
i completely agree with what chocstashchick says, she already knows the outlines, you dont have to rush to tell her the intimate details, unless she asks in wich case it is best to just say! i told my boyfriend the vague outline, then had to tell all of it after i tried to commit suicide, but he was really good, he still doesnt know what to say to me sometimes about all this stuff, but he appreciates me being honest with him alot. i've been with him 5 years now, so that makes me happy!
i dont think any of us are run of the mill type characters, and my boyfriend really likes all the good stuff that comes with that, just has to deal with a bit of **** on the side!! so yay to you being noticed!
Totaly agree. I told my boyfriend (now fiance) very close the start of the relationship, as at the time, i thought he deserved to know what he was getting into!! Now I think that it gave him the chance to see that i trusted him and was willing to take a risk in him by telling the truth. I only gave him a brief outline of my past and as the months went on i told him more and more. We've been together 3 and a half years and are getting married in 16 weeks, and he sees my scars as battle-scars - proof that i came thru the worst times in my life and survived it all. x
Thanks!
