Triggering (Suicide) - Stupid idiot drs *might get ranty*

[Becca]

I've had the day from hell today. My GP finally admitted there is no intention of treating my physical illnesses/symptoms. This came about because I said I cannot afford to see a specialist in london for an appointment and was asking for funding and why their advice was ignored last year. She wants my DLA stopped (which I have for my physical problems) until I have been taking antidepressants for several months and I show evidence of 'effort'.

I should apparently be grateful that I do not have 'real' disabilities.

The fact I no longer attend A&E when 'physically' ill means my symptoms have gone away. The fact that I no longer ask for help when suicidal/ODing (or tell anyone anywhere when I have) means I no longer feel suicidal. (The actual reasons are that I have been banned from doing so because the psych clinic put in my notes I am attention seeking and there is no way I'll ever commit suicide and lets be honest folks who wants to ask someone for help when in a state who responds with the words 'you don't want to die if you did you wouldn't be here' or 'you asked for help before and didn't end up dead then so you are a classic timewaster').

Work are still bullying me for daring to be off and calling me selfish and stupid. My contract finishes soon and I have no idea what I'll do for money.

I don't know who is right. I don't know who I can trust. The specialist said it wasn't effort but the psych dept say it is.

I've been PMing a supporter but now find it triggering to do so which is really really bad cos it was helping me so much. Even live help is a problem now.

Gah. I hate drs. I feel so right now. So I apologise if this doesn't make any sense. I have 3 days to fill before I see a consultant psych (assuming I go) any suggestions?

I would say that you need to talk to PALS and see what they suggest because your PCT will have deals with other PCTs where they can organise funding for you, even if its not at the hospital that they ideally want you to go to.

I would also say that you have absolutely nothing to lose by going to the psych appointment, but maybe you might gain something?

As for the next three days, talk to the samaritans, plan distractions, things to do, TV programs/films to watch, anything to keep you occupied and busy.

It might also be worth writing your GP a letter explaining that even if you don't go to A&E, it doesn't mean you are ok, etc. Does he not kjnow they told you not to go back? Surely that would be written on your notes.

Keep fighting.

[Becca]

Thanks for the reply!

There is only one specialist in the UK - a days trip away and they want me admitted at 9am on a monday morning (so need funding for two nights away plus train plus someone to help with travelling) so it isn't like the option to see anyone else is there.

The psych appointment I'm really scared about. I mean all the psychs I've seen have lied blatently to my face and it's really hard to believe this one won't. The others discharged me saying I enjoyed being ill (cos yes these feelings are such *fun* - not!)

I'll try the GP letter.

Oh and thanks for the suggestions!

[chocostashchick]

hugs
i really wish that i could give you some advice or something but the system in the USA is totally different and i don't really know anything about how it works where you are
keep fighting and advocate for yourself!!
i think writing a note to your doctor is a good idea - how can you go to a+e when you are banned! it sounds like your doctor isn't aware of everything you have gone through and isn't making a fully informed decision. don't give up - please go to that consultant psych appt in the next 3 days.
hang in there!
xxxooo


i just saw your last post so i want to respond
there are lots of crap psychs out there, that is for sure, but there really are some good ones out there too. you'll never know if this one is one of the good ones unless you go and at least give it a shot. if you don't go, you might always wonder. please give this psych a try - you never know, this might be a good one!

Sometimes specialists are willing to work with doctors at other hospitals. Could you maybe save up a little each week and when you have enough, then ask for the appointment? That would be totally fair and they couldn't dispute that.

[Becca]

Thanks for the replies!

I'll try to go to the appointment. My overriding thought at the moment though is not to to be honest. I've seen all the others and another lecture about 'wanting' all this to happen to me considering how bad I feel anyway would push me over the edge. I wish that was an exaggeration but it isn't

With the specialist I need several hundred pounds at the moment I lose money every month just paying for my essentials - I have no money left over at all - it's one of the reasons I don't see anyone and have no heating because I can't afford to (and why I get no visitors!). That was why I felt justified asking for help to go cos I knew I could never afford to pay for it. When I asked about cancelling and rebooking they said I must been seen within two months of the original date or my referral will be cancelled altogether and there is no way I could get another referral when drs say he is wrong. Also he only sees patients in London so I have to go there and the tests have to be done there cos of the equipment needed.

Anyway I'm going to go for a wander round the Internet for a bit I think and maybe go out for the day tommorow, though I don't feel too good physically I'm hoping that's temporary!

[chocostashchick]

i'm sorry to hear about how hard things are right now
you are due for some good luck honey! that's for sure


i know it's tempting not to but you need to try and be as honest as possible at the appointment
in order for them to help you, they need to know everything that is going on
they can't help you if what you tell them isn't true or the whole truth
it's hard and can make you feel vulnerable to have to let them in, but you need to and you can do it! be strong!

xxxooo

[Becca]

>>i know it's tempting not to but you need to try and be as honest as possible at the appointment<<

Tempting? extremely likely more like and I know that is a bad thing yet still it is likely - gosh that makes no sense does it???? I have things that are happening to me that I just cannot talk about (though I have hinted at)and the lack of support Ive had in the past is reaffirming the inbility to talk about it. I have fantasised about talking about it but it is triggering alone. I'm scared they will do nothing and that they will do something - it feels lose lose but maybe that is just part of what is happening to me???

If I go I will do my best.

Thanks for the support!
Becca

[dark_light]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Becca

lets be honest folks who wants to ask someone for help when in a state who responds with the words 'you don't want to die if you did you wouldn't be here' or 'you asked for help before and didn't end up dead then so you are a classic timewaster'

Thats awful, i've been in the same situation and it still makes me angry that professionals say things like this to us when we go and ask for help. Then if you do OD they say why didn't you ask for help before you did it. It doesn't make any sense to me. I am constantly told by my CPN to go to A&E if i feel suicidal, but often if i go i am told 'well you got here okay so theres obviously nothing wrong with you'.
I hope your appointment goes ok, there are some good psychs out there, fingers crossed you'll get a decent on this time. And i were you i'd tell them EVERYTHING so they'll be in the best position to help you.
Good luck
Jo x

[lostdoll]

Hun, I really feel for you at the moment *hugs tightly*.

Even though circumstances are really **** at the moment, and you have a few arsey and not very understanding doctors, do have faith, and keep trying and trying until you find someone who will really listen and understand and help you.

Do see the consultant psych. Maybe write everything down that you possibly want to say (especially things like work, maybe see if they can offer some support or advice there) incase you forget something. Do let us know how you get on as well, we're all behind you on this, you always have support on RYL.
Take care and stay safe
xo

[Becca]

So I saw the consultant psych. Told her everything. Turns out I am mentally fine. My 'depression' is circumstancial only. There were no meds offered, I can still see the CPN but though I said it was helpful at the appointment I don't think I will.

All it has done is cement wanting to die. I told her how I was going to and how I had a plan and that it was guaranteed and her response was 'so why aren't you dead then?' When I said because I didn't have enough she just totally backed off.

I'm not to see her again.

The specialist is refusing me access to help to travel to London. My GP only signed me off because she thought I'd be given meds to help stablise me I cannot possibly see how I can get through this at all now. She said I'm obviously low but that's it.

I left the building in tears and have cried pretty much non stop since. I should never have gone. I was going to die anyway but now I know nothing will be done to improve my situation which apparently would depress anyone there is no point at all.

[chocostashchick]

aww Becca honey i am sorry i don't quite know what to say
what a stupid bitch that woman was!
please don't give up though
do not let one stupid woman win and treat you so badly
please call your doc and tell him the truth, that they did not give you meds and did not listen and don't get it
you need help and you deserve help and you asked for it so you should have it
could you call that horrid woman's office and tell them what happened and that you want to see somebody else?
please call
you do not deserve to die
can you tell a friend or family member or something to help you through this?
you need some help honey
i'm pulling for you!
be safe please
xxxooo
callie

[Becca]

Well she's the consultant. There is no-one else I can see. The only psychiatrist I hadn't seen in person when I spoke to him over the phone told me that what I was planning to use to kill myself *that day* would 'never kill anyone'. So yeah. Wanna a tip to kill yourself? Ring the local crisis team and speak to a psychiatrist.

I don't see how speaking to GP will help. They've already decided I'm some attention seeking piece of **** based on the last psychiatrist I saw.

I have nowhere to go for help. That's the point. It's why I've gone into work tonight and sat alone crying and typing here.

[Stellata]

Circumstancial depression is still depression. Hell, my depression comes from adverse childhood circumstances, and I get medication and proper help. I don't understand why these professionals are not seeing things from your perspective, or trying to help.

[Becca]

She said I couldn't have meds because of my other conditions having got a lot worse previously when taking them. She went on about me being physically ill and very isolated but that it was normal to be low in those circumstances.

I'm really worried about the CPN saying he won't hold back anymore with me.



*wonders if you can electrocute yourself crying on a keyboard*

[Stellata]

It being normal to be low doesn't mean that they have to leave you in that position. Surely there're some meds out there that could help. Even St John's Wort. Or refer you to a homeopath on the NHS [they exist]. Not just to leave you with NOTHING. Sorry, I'm pissed off on your behalf.

I can understand you're scared that your CPN will push you.

But I don't want you to die.
You're worth more than that.

[Becca]

I have tried st johns wort but it really upset my tummy. I tried 5 HTP which made my blackouts worse - which makes sense I guess as the SSRIs have done the same.

I wish I was pissed off.

There is no other option now - none I can see. What I need I cannot have. End of.

[Stellata]

What do you need?

.. And this may seem a bit off the wall, but Bach Flower Remedies are really good. I use them all the time. They're gentle, totally safe, and work in harmony with your body and mind. Cherry Plum and Sweet Chestnut might be a good place to start for you.

[Becca]

Somewhere safe/warm to live. My treatments. Being allowed to see someone when ill without having to provide witnesses. My drs if they can't treat me to support me getting suitable benefits and stop telling me I'm unwell because I don't want to be well. Not to have to turn down the MA I've just been offered and the course tutor is really keen for me to do (it would give me something to do during the day).

Bach flower remedies are whisky I have OD'ed on them in the past (not knowing why at the time!)

[DUNFERMLINEBOY]

Hey Becca,

First of all can I say how appalled I am at the way you're being treated! You live in England and as far as I'm aware England still has a National Health Service (just like us in Scotland)which is paid for by all tax payers for the use of all citizens You shouldn't have to be out of pocket for any treatments or inconveniences that you're put through!

The first thing I would be doing is putting in a compkaint to your local Health Authority and if that fails i'd be contacting my MP! The NHS is still a Government Department, so go to the people who run it!

Remember too that you can change your GP at anytime! A trip to your local citizens advice wouldn't do any harm either, they'll be able to give you more guidance on all the legal stuff!

The type of behaviour that you're describing should've been stamped out years ago, and it makes me feel sick!

Also i'd be trying to find out what mental health charities there are around ya, cos the folks that run them are there to help and they won't be ignorant!

Anyways I won't rant on anymore, really hope that this helps you!

Craig x