Triggering (SI) - *clings for dear life but still falls*(adult/graphic)
doesn't know how much i'm hurting and i can't say a thing/ wouldn't let me out of site yesterday because the result was obvious...still its as if it isn't inevitable...of course its going to happen...its there ... its just sitting their torturing me ...waiting to be alone then booom....
i just can't stop it...i know its coming...i can see exactly whats going to happen...everything...holding it like this is just making me take actions in other places....trying to work out times to purge between meds have to be taken and when i'm alone - not that that matters so much...have mastered the art of silent purging- doesn't know that either. want to share everything but so much i just can't . so close but sometimes millions of miles apart...
its going on in my head all the time...anxiety massive...almost feels like excitement because i know when he goes thats the time. going to be alone tomorrow. at least a couple of hours, plenty of time for whats wanted. its been sitting with me for a while...its times like this i know the only way for it to stop taunting me is to do whats wanted..thought it was understood but blackmail and 'hurt me instead' is the only response.thought it was known that it doesn't work like that -but it seems the rules are allowed to apply to anyone but me ...never went into this pretending to be something i'm not, far from it. knew loads more about me than anyone before even getting this far, but now i'm somehow miraculously just supposed to be ok ?
why? whats changed? ok so i'm not stuck there anymore...i'm away from bad people, but i'm plagued by it all the more everyday. hiding behind **** tv and alcohol doesn't work. i want to spend all my time with you, but i can't wait for you to leave so i can indulge. its been needed for ages...and the more it sits on my shoulders the worse it gets...in my head, and thus in reality. a&e is ****, but not this ****...**** i'd rather be made to go through the humiliation of a&e a hundred times over in a day than have to carry this any longer....i've been trying so hard.trying to see a reason not to. trying to see you as the reason..its not that the love has gone..no ...its not about love. its not about whether i love you enough not to. its just not about that. i know i have to be ok ...that you depend on me , more than it seems to those outside...you cling to my stability, all the more i feel terrible for needing this, and all the more it grows.
scoring myself with celebacy as my only way to conceal the only thing i have left...agony and infection...humiliation and the suggestion of ear ache to conceal the need for antibiotics ..what you can't see can't be destabilising right....do you feel like this too? ****...i hope not.
i want to cling...not to be alone at all...in the same breath i want to run away...not for long...just enough time to 'sort myself out'....
how can i profess to be stable? its laughable really...****ing hypocrite.
all i know now is that it has to happen. that i risk everything in giving into it, but risk everything in not
Last edited by riley. : 29-02-2008 at 09:25 PM.
Reason: sp.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
all i know is that nothing ever has to happen, nothing is ever inevitable unless you want it to be
remember that you are in control and nothing will happen unless you let it
please keep fighting
please dont hide behind alcohol and tv
look out for yourself, you seem to have a lot going on
let it out, talk to somebody please
take care
xxxooo callie
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
yes you can
if you want to you can
help is always out there if you ask for it
please call a crisis line or call 999
or your doctor or your family or a friend
you deserve help, you can reach out, everybody always has that right and no matter what you have been told or what you think THAT RIGHT CAN NEVER EVER BE TAKEN AWAY
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
it doesn't make sense...none of it does- but who in the world ever said it did. asked me how i felt today...told you *basically* failed to mention ...
was supposed to be alone today, was supposed to find release but you canceled...i know you have to go on monday though..that can't e canceled.
i don't expect understanding...its hard to explain when you know something has to happen before it'll let you go...so much pressure..makes it grow. makes it worse. trying to minimalise potential by getting it over with but you wont go. do i really want you to? need to get it off of my back, plapitations, panic attacks...the anxiety of it overwhelming me because haven't done whats wanted..needed. sounds stupid maybe..that something can be so sure....of course people think there is a choice but sometimes there just ISN'T. there just isn't ...the knot's been there all the while..waiting, dreading but hoping for the chance of release.stupid bitch.take some control- but what control is there to take? its not like i want the end, just a means to continue
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
honey what is coming? what's premeditated?
i don't know what is happening, but all i can say is that you need to trust yourself and talk to somebody. if you don't want it, you don't have to take it.
Oh Becci, I wish I were closer so I could be that shoulder to lean on. You know you can count on me. And I know you are strong. Remember, baby steps...Rome wasn't built in a day. PM me or email me anytime.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
you arent a stupid biitch
you're awesome honey
please take care of yourself and look after that wound
talk to us when you can
please talk to somebody honey
you arent alone
xxxooo
