Triggering (SI/Abuse) - I think I have BAD side. Please help me!

pixie*lyssie · 29-02-2008, 12:45 PM

Lola (angry side) hasn't been out too much lately but when I was in the hotel with my family last year. I remember blacking out and I came back (Alyssa) to reality and I know Lola had done something wrong because I think Lola had pushed a chair in rage and it pushed my mum over and my mum was saying dont swear. I don't know what happened but it can't have been nice and I am so ashamed that I have Lola because my mum doesn't deserve that. She is my rock and I love her more than any thing and any one.

I also blacked out when Lola was restraigned and injected in the psych ward almost 3 years ago, Lola was angry and out of controll and had to be held down by about 5 nurses and sedated in the bottom.

I was so badly bullied in School by some boys and some girls and it's traumatised me and when I think about it Lola just takes over and again I black out and I don't know what I have done (hence coming back to reality lately to find myself yelling at the cat in a rage). But Lola is controled by anti psychotic medication because I have the diagnosis of schizophrenia because of my psychotic eppisodes, hallucinations and delusions. I see and hear a man and can smell my blood on my cat which my previous doc said was a hallucination. But I don't know.

I have been cutting myself recently but am trying to stop. I have left a message for my psychiatrist tasking him if I can see him soon so I want to explain a few things that I didn't explain to my old psychiatrist at CAMHS. I guess I didn't realise when it was happening.

I don't know what to do, when I read what I have just wrote, I think I am a freak and out of controll but I think it's my illness.

Any support would be much appreciated because I hate that alone feeling.

sorry

thank you for reading

xx

Small_Black_Flower · 29-02-2008, 02:23 PM

hey hun, I dont know how to help, but I just want you to know I understand and I am here for you because I am going through similar experiences with thinking about bullying and another person taking over.

if you ever need to talk PM me.

take care xx

pixie*lyssie · 29-02-2008, 02:25 PM

Thank you and thank you for the hugs guys. *hugs*

Stellata · 29-02-2008, 02:29 PM

My Storm Lady's rather like your Lola. She contains all the anger that I could never safely feel and express when I was bullied and going through trouble at home, too. She can get pretty aggressive.
Lola probably wants to protect you, and doesn't understand that you're not being bullied or restrained now. She might react as if anyone and everyone is going to hurt you.
It makes sense that she's there. It can be painful, though, as I understand. There's a lot of internal conflicts tearing and playing out inside your head, most likely.

pixie*lyssie · 29-02-2008, 02:33 PM

That's exactly how it is... I was scared no one was gonna know/believe/understand what happens. It's so real. My psychiatrist at CAMHS alway said that a lot of my SI was anger related. I don't know how to keep Lola under controll. I can't because I have no say she's like this totally different angry person.

Stellata · 29-02-2008, 02:38 PM

You could try letting her draw, and write. I used to keep separate diaries for my 5 year old part, and later my teenage part/self. I let them write from their perspective. I found it really helpful.

pixie*lyssie · 29-02-2008, 02:45 PM

That is a good idea. I think I will try and let her write and give her a new book to write and draw in. I think it'll help me understand why she's there and what actually goes on inside her mind.