I don't normally make these, I feel too attention seekery-ish. But I need a rant. Everyone expects me to be ever so happy. I've got to the end of my GCSEs, I've done okay. So Why am I feeling even worse than ever.
I havn't cut in ages, however the last couple of days I've been getting triggered again. I don't know why but the urges are coming back stronger than ever, and I'm going to give into it. I just don't want to see my aunts face and she dresses my burn when she sees a new cut. But then again, the other half of me thinks 'why do I care'. I'm going to give in to it, and nobody will care, except for me. Oh well. At least when I try another pathetic attempt at recovery I'll be able to count the number of days it lasts, unlike this one.
It's all getting too much again, and I don't know why. A whole bottle of wine yestoday. No one noticed though. Old people >.< they don't expect a 16 year old to be able to drink that and still be on their feet. They don't know about the vodka today either. All these secrets from them.
Eating too. I don't want to be size 10. I want to be smaller. Why is it that everyone is telling me I am normal, yet all I see is rolls of fat. It's disgusting.. I can starve myself but it never goes. No other option but to keep starving myself though. I'm not going to lose it by eating.
And the GCSEs. What if I havn't done half as well as everyone expects. They are all going to be dissapointed in me. Come out with the same old 'you should have revised more'. How can I concentrate on revision with all this rushing around my mind.
This is in the wrong place too. Serious discussion? I think not. I'm not worth the space this will take up, let alone what I've written being counted as serious. I don't know why I'm bothering to make this post. I've had it. I'm going to give in to the urges, I knew I couldn't hold out. Pathetic failure. And this is at the end of the exams. What's going to happen when you come to take A levels.. eh Jenny?
Sarchasm, the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it
Okay this isn't wasting space. Life gets hard for all of us sometimes. It'll get better. I know you don't feel great about yourself right now, but I'm just hoping maybe I can give you a bit of advice. Maybe have a day just for you where you only do the things you want and don't worry about exams or anything. Go out with a friend or stay in and play games or something. Sorry, I'm a bit anti-social so I'm not really sure what exactly people do for fun with other people.. Uhm.. Maybe you could go shopping for pretty clothes that make you feel good about yourself and have your hair done or something like that. Read a good book. Just don't give in to the urges you've got right now. I'm not great at this advice stuff, but I'm good at talking to people. If you ever want to talk with me, I'm just a PM or IM away. I'll drop you a PM in a minute here. Take care of yourself. xx Laura
I agree with Laura. It sounds like a lot is hitting you right now and you just need to take a break. Do something for yourself! You've passed a fair stage in your life, and you should be proud.
And definately watch your alcohol consumption. You could really hurt yourself....Be careful.
First of all, you are worth the space of this thread, and you are worth the time people have taken to read your post and reply to it, and you're worth so much more as well. You deserve help and support and you deserve not to be feeling as crap as you are. Also, what you've written is serious. It sounds like you're having to deal with some major difficulties in your life. It also sounds like you might be damaging yourself a great deal (starving yourself, drinking excessively, etc). These things are important and serious. Your health and well-being matter. I hope you are getting some support irl, to help you deal with everything that's going on for you, and to help change things so that life improves a little bit for you. Are you getting any support irl?
I'm afraid I have to go to bed in a moment and this reply might not be as long or as coherent as I'd like it to be. However, there's one thing in your post I particularly wanted to reply to. You ask why you're feeling worse than ever now your GCSEs are over. It's often expected that at the end of exams people will be on a high - they'll be amazingly happy to have finished their exams and will go out partying and celebrating. I can understand why it might seem strange that you haven't felt this way at the end of your GCSEs. But - here's the thing - it's not actually so uncommon for people to feel worse at the end of an exam period than they did during it. Exams give you a focus and a goal (even if you're having problems during the exam period). Exams use up a lot of your energy and your thinking time. When a set of exams finishes it can be a huge anti-climax - you've been working up to these important events and then suddenly they're over and gone. Suddenly, you're not trying to revise any more and there's nothing you need to focus on - so your days can feel empty and you've got time for ugly thoughts to bounce around in your head, when before they got pushed out by all the information you were trying to remember for your exams. What I'm trying to say (possibly not very well because I'm tired) is that what you're feeling is not that unusual and it's certainly not strange. It's okay to feel worse rather than better at the end of exams.
Of course, it would be much nicer for you if you did feel better. I wish I knew how that could happen. I'd echo what the other replies have said - you've just been through a stressful time with your GCSEs, and you made it through, so reward yourself by doing things you'll enjoy, treat yourself gently and allow yourself to recover from the stress of exams and from the post-exam low you're experiencing now - getting through your exams was an achievement, and although it's unstandable that you feel even lower now, it's not at all fair that you do - you deserve to feel better - so please treat yourself kindly over the next few days and weeks, look after yourself and do things you might enjoy, because you deserve to feel better.
I think I may have rambled and repeated myself a bit in this post (am about to switch computer off and head to bed), but I hope some of it might have helped a little bit.
Please, take care of yourself and treat yourself gently. You are worth that much and more.
i know that during the lead up and after my exams i felt worse than i have done in a long time.
i think it was the pressure and expectations that were placed on me by friends and family, but i soon learnt to understand that all anyone cares about is that youve tried to pass.
it honestly doesnt matter what your grades are as long as you tried.
at your age i was the same way with drink too. having far too much without anyone noticing that it was a problem, and now it really is turning into one. its becoming so that i can barely function without a drink. i dont want you to go through that too, you dont deserve it, noone does.
and as for not eating properly it doesnt help. it doesnt achieve anything. if anything it only makes you feel so much worse about yourself than you thought was possible.
im so so sorry if i havent been at all helpful but i really hope i that if nothing else that you may pm me if you need to
please try and take care
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks for your replys, 'Mountain Snow Tiger' and 'dancingqueen88' it's helped allot to know that it's normal not to feel great after exams. I just found it a bit weird that everyone else was on a huge high, and I was almost.. being left behind. So Thanks =)
Feeling a bit better today. Getting that off my mind has helped far more than I expected. Thanks for replys and hugs again.
Sarchasm, the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it
