Triggering (SI) - Critical Voice of Reason- Installment two

[Velvet]

Chapter One:
Critical Voice of Reason

Words twisted and melted, running into each other, forming dark masses tired eyes could not comprehend. The young student fingered her test, a deep sense of agitation displayed in her movements. Voices rose up, soaring in the morning heat and laughter flitted in and out of her unconscious mind. The familiar voice of her English teacher rose up to quieten the rest. The still, awaiting silence allowed for her to calm her anxiety for a moment. Eighty two percent. Eighty two point eight. There was a dark sense of failing that gnawed at her mind. She sunk into the depths of her critical thoughts. The teachers voice disappeared, melting into the heat, blocked out by negative speculation.

“Sylvie?” a hushed, cautious voice drifted into her mind. A moment passed without answer. “Sylvie, you okay?”

She deftly turned her head towards the voice. Concerned eyes peered at her from a petite girl's face. A tide of unwanted tears beat against the walls of her eyes. She held them back, reluctant to say anything. Her hand moved to pick up a pencil and she chewed the end in contemplation. She grimaced slightly at the acidic taste that took her mind towards her stress. A nervous flight of butterflies ripped through her stomach. The weight of the upcoming afternoon felt heavy on her shoulders.

“I'm fine,” she whispered shortly, with an ingenuous smile.


It was the harsh shrilling of the bell that ended the day that gave her grace. The day had stretched out like a never ending line, inked in black against dry parchment and now it was rushing towards the time she had dreaded.


They sat there, like two judges. One with impossible questions with no answers but the wrong one. The other, finding the sore spots, and begging for them to be spoken about. The psychologist's office seemed too big, too distant, growing in the awaiting silence. Sylvie averted her eyes from them both. She twisted her hands in her lap, frustrated with her lack of words. A gentle knock was heard from the door. Silisia smiled apologetically and with a quick apology went to see to her children. Grateful for the interruption, she gently lent her head against the motherly figure next to her. A tender hand stroked her hair as a silent understanding passed between them without words.


“Sorry again,” Silisia said gently taking her seat across from Sylvie. “There shouldn't be any interruptions. Just one of those days.”
She laughed with a voice that had a calming quality. Xella gently reached out to hold her hand as Sylvie lifted her head. Their eyes still awaited an answer to a question that she had no idea what the answer was. The agitation arose again.
“I-I don't...know. I can't say. Not now,” as she stumbled through the words, a sense of frustration washing over her. To be tongue tied when it came to the moment to finally speak about everything that she kept inside, that hurt her, just discouraged the thought of finally healing. Tears stung her eyes, as she looked away. She felt Xella gently squeeze her hand, calming the turmoil momentarily.


“You're not supposed to know the answers or have the words. That's why we're here,” Silisia whispered softly, giving her the grace that the critical voices of her mind could not.

[PaperClip]

Hey, have just found this - have you wrote anymore?

Tis rele good!

[Popple]

Wow >.<
This is really good
I like it
I don't know what to say other than wow
cause I was really taken aback by it =]


much love
katy
xx

[Velvet]

Thanks. ^^ I can write more, if you want me to. I just haven't yet. I was going to write a book, so this would be part of a chapter, but not the beginning though.

Thanks again for the comments. I can try believe them even if my mind won't let me.
XoX

[PaperClip]

***Jumps up and down and waits for more***

[Velvet]

Sorry for the delay... Writer's block and school work don't go together.





Sylvie tilted her head up, her blue eyes swarming with tears. A sheepish, uncomfortable smile tugged at her lips. It was her smile when she couldn't cry. Big, gentle, hazel eyes met her gaze. A gaze that seemed so sure of itself. So directed.
“Now,” Silisia began softly, her voice careful and calculating, just like a good psychologist should be. “What do you think Xella expects from you?”
There was a definite emphasis on the word 'you'. Sylvie watched the tilted head, the small smile, each subtly movement, looking for a reaction or a direction to the right answer. She cast a quick uncertain glance at Xella, hoping she'd save her from her misery. She didn't. Her gaze was expectant and almost curious. There was an expectancy to succeed. Not from Silisia or Xella but from within herself. What did Xella expect? Her mind screamed at her. She had to be perfect. The perfect Christian. The perfect patient. The perfect person. She cast an unsure look at Silisia who remained silent and expectant.
“N-not to disappoint her,” she said trying her hardest to get a vaguely right answer.
“And?” Silisia probed, trying to get more out of the moment. Sylvie felt a twinge of irritation and desperation. Always that 'and' looking for more.
“I guess that's it,” she answered illusively. It wasn't it. She needed to be perfect and until then she wouldn't meet anyone's expectations.
“What do you think of that Xella?” Silisia asked, trying to shatter the illusion Sylvie had so carefully built to protect herself.
“I don't expect that,” she answered directly, her voice depicting her strong nature. “I want you to find yourself. I want you to be more you. More spontaneous.”


Before the sentence was finished, angry, disappointed voices screamed at her. “You failed.” A tight, painful feeling arose in her chest. She couldn't be who she really was. She was too messed up and broken, like shattered shards of glass being put together by clumsy, bloody hands. She couldn't show anyone. Day by day she acted behind a smile then hacked away at herself when things got too bad. Tonight she'd have to, just to get through. She shut her eyes and shuddered.
he felt Xella gently squeeze her hand which brought her back to the present. The room swarmed slightly then grew and a sense of disassociation washed over her. There was a deep sense that she'd never make it. Not in life. Not even in therapy. She was nothing in this big world and then only company she really had was her fake little smile.

[PaperClip]

keep going hun - its rele good!!

Hugs!

[Velvet]

Sylvie wandered down the road, leaving her home far from reach. The previous day's session with Xella and Silisia played in her mind. Wow, she she manged to screw up that sort of thing! A small sigh rattled out. She absently kicked a stone, which tumbled away, only to stop to be wait for the next kick. She hummed softly, the noise gently lifting itself out of lungs and into the deserted street. Dreams of old and new came tumbling into her mind. Nothing really stuck. It was just washed away in the dreams of the present. A smallish park came into view and the sound of tennis filled the air. There is no other sound quiet as remarkable as that of people grunting to hit a ball. Sylvie grimaced at the thought of it. The rhythmic beating of the ball was fine. It was like a clock, rocking back and forth. Passing the park she made her way down to the small shopping centre, with the DVD Rental place. Her small hands dug in her pocket for some change. Luck seemed to smile upon her today. Just enough!


Sylvie wandered into the shop, keeping her money clasped in her fist. As her predictable nature goes, she grabbed 'Georgia Rule' off the shelf. The man behind the counter chuckled softly.
“Day right?”
“Ye,” Sylvie shrugged.
“Tell ya what,” he started. “I'll give ya that, since it seems to mean quiet a lot to ya.”
“Thanks,” a small real smile touched her face.
Moments later, she found herself back at the park with the DVD clutched in her hands. Strangely, she felt emotionless. A small sigh escaped her lips as she sat on one of the swings. Time dragged on slowly, ripping old wounds open methodically.
“****,” she whispered. Why was this happening? Frustration built up, pounding at the walls of her mind. A irritable wave over came her. She got up, and pounded her fists against the metal pole, keeping the swings up. She hit her head against the pole and slowly slid to the ground, feeling worse than when it all started. No tears fell. One thing she hated about herself. Why could everybody else feel human? Why not her? ****ing failure at being human too! Her mind drifted vaguely back to the last session with Silisia. Wrapping her arms around her legs, she gently cradled her head. Perhaps it was time to leave therapy. It wasn't as if Silisia would miss her.

"I'll miss her," she whispered to herself. A small anger grew inside of her.