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Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Crap
Over the last 3 weeks I've been kept in hospital twice, both for around a week at a time. I got home last friday, and I just can't get back to "normal". My cuts are getting deeper and deeper, the slightest thing starts me crying, all my cuts itch, one tore back open after the stitches were taken out, i have tonnes of college work to do and mum is pressuring me about going back soon. I know she doesn't mean to, but i just don't think i can cope. It just makes me want to scream and shout and cry and completely fall apart, and just not care and let go and everything. Inside I can see myself doing that but i can't let it out, so it just becomes more of my distant imagination, stored in my mind along with the things i should have said or done, and everything thats wrong. Nothing means much to me anymore. i can't get enjoyment out of anything, not music, not crafting, something i normally love, and i am throwing myself into it with such fervour that i wonder i don't feel better. but at the end of the day, it is only a distraction, and something that holds nothing for me anymore. Everything seems to be building up against me, silly things happening as if to spite me, which make me want to scream. The coke spilling out of the glass, the crochet gone wrong, the times on the tv overlapping, the itch of my cuts, everything is telling me to just give up, I am not worth it, just go. I have been thinking and planning things that i could do, and things i need to sort out before i go, which i have never done before. yes of course i have thought about dying, but other attempts were just spur of the moment and i didn't really mean them. now i know I do, but i worry for a second that I won't like whats on the otherside, but i only falter for a moment before i am sure that is what i want to do. I'm not sure what this post is going to achieve, and how anyone can help me, but it feels quite nice to let it all out. That's one of the doctors favourite questions, "how can we help you?", along with "if we could wave a magic wand and make it all go, what would change?". I don't know how to answer those questions. I feel so stupid, so attention seeking, but i'm not sure if i am or not, am i really troubled, depressed? Or is it just me being a hypochondriac? I honestly dont know. The doctors just enforce my insecurities, making me feel worse than I ever did before i saw them. They can't help me, no one can, it's i can't figure out how to help myself.
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