pinched

[blondiebear]

Can anyone tell me the difference between a memory and a flashback? I'm having more of those emotional memories that I have to go though in order to let go. The first memory was an abandonment one from when I was very small. The second memory was about knowing, by the time I was 10 years old, that I felt that I couldn't ask for anything, even something that would be freely given. I just felt it was wrong to ask, to want and to voice those wants.

Then today was the day my mother-in-law had her surgery. That went well enough. She went home with a list of stuff to do and not do, her grandson is staying with her and I let him know the info was there. But then she has to wear an eye shield until her follow up appointment tomorrow, she was going to drive herself and she can't. I'm going to have my husband take her. If I take her I'll miss a regular aa meeting and I so don't want to do that.

A bad habit of a lifetime is literally pinching a nerve. It comes and goes and it is back. The ulnar nerve that serves the ring and last fingers on my right hand is pinched, my hand becomes numb from the wrist down. So I wear a wrist brace until it gets better. The brace supports my hand but it also restricts my mobility it is harder to do my job. The nerve is actually pinched up in my shoulder.

I usually carry a heavy denim tote bag that my husband calls my insecurities bag. In it I have my journal, maybe some misc. paperwork, my dayrunner leather calender thingie, usually something to drink, anywhere from just bottled water to four sodas. It also has my current hand-work fidget project in it, which right now is several skeins of yarn. On Thursdays, I put two of my AA books in it for the two different meetings I go to that day.

This doesn't include the contents of my purse!

When I was a kid, the bag contained books and homework that were a barrier to the emotional junk at home. I also swung it at the shins of my classmates when they harassed me one time too many. Now it protects me emotionally because it really is a physical barrier between me and the world. The things in it can be a barrier too if I want them to be.

The memories make me just want to cry. I'm frustrated beyond description that because I had to be an instant adult I never got to do the growing up and learning that I needed to do. So now I have the chores of an adult with the emotions of a still trapped child.

Please help. Please?

[chocostashchick]

for the time being while your issues are still present and you are very emotionally vulnerable, i don't see the harm in carrying your special tote bag, especially since you seem to understand why you use it and what purpose it serves. since you know that you are using it as a krutch for the time being, and you know why you need the protection, i think it is okay as long as you understand that krutches aren't meant to be a permanent aid.

a memory is just that - a memory..... okay to elaborate since that sounds stupid a memory is a specific time period or incident from the past that you have personally experienced that is solidified in your mind, imprinted in there. we hold our memories in our minds and we have the power to recall them and bring them up intetnionally at our own will as the need or want arises. a flashback is when a specific memory, usually a very unpleasant one, is brought up and "flashed" in your mind against your will and against your control, unintentionally, in a way that you are powerless to causing you to relive it. people with ptsd experience flashbacks a lot, and so do others.

these emotional memories that you have, that you revisit to explore and heal your old wounds, don't immediately sound like flashbacks. if you are choosing to revisit them, and doing it during therapy or when you are thinking about them - times when you are in control and maintain that control - i don't think it's flashbacks. i'm going based on what you said in the beginning of your post but it was a short paragraph. obviously, though, only a therapist can diagnose it as a flashback or not.

i'm sorry the last couple days have been stressful. your husband sounds wonderful and i think you have some pretty good coping strategies (i think the tote bag is great!!! i carry a HUGE purse, the size of the typical carry-on or overnight bag that my friends give me lots of grief for, and i always have one of my special "tool" kits, lots of purel for my mini-cleaning-ocd, a book, my planner, etc), so between him and your bag and your very admirable can-do attitude i think you will be just fine honey, all it takes is time

as far as your stunted emotional growth, i think we might have something else in common there and i really really wish i could help but i'm right there with you - i have no idea but i sympathise and send you nice hugs :)