Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - i saw him tonight

[newanda]

all i wanted to do was go out with my friend and see a show. i haven't been out in a while and i just wanted to have a little fun. i have been doing so good lately. when we got there we went and got our drinks and sat down. when i looked accross the room i saw him.

it's been about a year since i saw him last and i could have gone the rest of my life without ever seeing him again. he came over and talked to us and i hated it. he was in prison for 8 months for rape and just got out not to long ago. we dated for a bit and while we were together he was arested, but wouldn't tell me why. one of my friends read about him in the newspaper and told me. the next month was the scariest time of my whole life. it was horible and yes, some bad things happened, unfortunitely, they were all my fault.

i go to this club on sundays. it's really the only place i go besides work and home, and if he starts going there i don't think i can continue to.

i really just wanted to have fun and now i cant stop thinking of how much i hate him and how much i hate myself and how much i hate what happened between us. i am so angry and full of hate right now. i just want to cut and cut and cut and cut and cut and cut until it's all better and i quit thinking of everything and until i get what i deserve.

i am such a horible and awful person. i hate myself and i deserve everything that happens to me. i don't know what to do to make this go away. he just reminds me of how stupid i am and how much i hate myself for letting everything that happened between us go as far as it did. my friends don't even know about what happened and don't understand how seeing him makes me feel. i feel compleately worthless.

i just don't know what to do to get this out of me i want it to go away.

[pea soup]

*snuggles you*
i dont have any words sweetie. im really sorry.
will keep you in my thoughts.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

[here-for-the-journey]

*wraps my arms gently round you*
Did he do illegal stuff to you baby? If he did then you could get a court order so he can't talk to you again.
*gentle squishy hug*

[chocostashchick]

i am willing to bet, based on how you described him, that whatever negative things happened in the course of your former relationship with him were his fault and not yours
just the fact that he clearly has this history of violence points to that - you seem like a kind and considerate person and whatever he did to you is not your fault - you are the victim

Tori is right - you can get a restraining order against him
you should be able to keep going to your club on sundays. out of the two of you, he is the one who did wrong things so fight back, don't let him get to you, and get that restraining order. then you can keep living your life and going to that club. be safe and try not to cut. it solves nothing, provides temporary relief if that, and won't solve this problem. in fact, it will only give him more power over you and you shouldn't give him that satisfaction. he is out of your life now, thank goodness, so keep him out and don't give him the power to upset you and hurt you anymore.

be safe honey xxxooo

[blondiebear]

I hate it when some place that used to be a refuge is no longer there. I wish I had some advice.

*gives you a cherishing bear hug*

[newanda]

Thank you all for your kind words. I was just really thrown off by seeing him. He was the last person in the world i was prepared to see. I did manage to make it through the night without harming, but i was really really cold and had to turn up the heat, then when i went outside this morning it was hot outside. Don't know what that was about, kinda odd.

I also have an apt. with my therapist tomorrow. I think i am going to talk to her about it. She doesn't know anything about him, but it's obvious after my reaction last night that i'm not ok with what happened.

Basically when I was seeing him i was always drunk and he was the one mixing the drinks. It turns out he was also into pills. There have been more than a few sketchy situations, the kind where you wake up and think hmm... what happened last night. He just really scares the crap out of me.

thanks again and sorry for being so scattered last night, i was just scared.