Cant stand to be around people
Just want to be on my own, curled up in bed
I cant face talking to people, smiling at people
I cant do it
I just wish...that even for only a day, I could not think about hurting myself, not think about ways to kill myself, ways to hurt myself, not wake up completely exhausted.
I wish i could sleep, not take hours to get to sleep
Im sick of staring at the ceiling trying to get to sleep
And when I finally do get to sleep, I have nightmares about people I care about dying, or abandoning me, or about war and destruction, causing people I love to die, bombs and tornados, I hate it, dreams of being alone, of being left, of people dying, of war, of tornados and hurricanes
I wake up after in few hours in a cold sweat.
Every night it is the same.
Every night.
And every morning I wake up exhausted, even more exhausted than when I went to sleep
I cant do it much longer
I cant
Im tired
Im sick of feeling anxious, unbearably anxious
So sad, so miserable
Upset
Sick of wanting to hurt myself
Im sick off feeling this way
So tired of having to be 'OK'
After the way I hurt my parents after I took an OD, after all the times Ive had to go to A&E for stitches
How much I hurt my family, my friends
I cant hurt them anymore, I have to be OK, But Im falling again
Im on the edge, and I cant hold on much longer
Im sick of drinking, just to feel nothing, just to be numb to everything, Im sick of taking lots of paracetamol just so i dont drink
I have cut in a month but its getting so hard again
Im sick and Im tired
Again
Over 3 months since the OD, since the suicide attempt, and the last time I needed stitches
And I cant hold on much longer, I cant keep fighting this
Its too hard
I had counselling for a few months, but then they wanted to refer me to someone else, who then wanted to refer me, and i never got anywhere. its so hard for me to tell the truth, tell them everything, and the last time I did, i told the doctor at the hospital who was doing my psych evaluation after needing stitches, I told him everything, i told him I couldnt trust myself not to kill myself, cos that was all I wanted...and he just said ok and sent me home. Why do i bother putting myself through talking about how I feel. Why do I even bother?
I havent taken my meds in over a week, I just couldnt be bothered I guess, Im going to start taking them again, and I really need to tell my doctors things are getting bad again, he doesnt know about the drinking and ODing, only about the suicide attepmt and all the times Ive needed stitches
Im tired of keeping myself alive, of trying not to cut, not to drink, I have over a hundred fluoxetine tablets, left from when I changed meds, and its so tiring trying to stop myself from taking them all
Im tired of everything
Again
Things havent changed
They never will
Im falling
Help
I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this Dead and Eternal snow.
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there, and lie to me and tell me it’s gonna be Alright.
- Conor Oberst
It sounds like you are going through a really hard time at the moment. I just want to say well done for being so strong. You sound like you have had a difficult time, but youve still managed to stick it out, and here you are. Your a fighter, and your a survivor. You CAN do this. You really can. You know everyday you fight off the urges to OD or Cut or wtever, your achieving.. your winning.
I know how difficult it is to not give in, the way you described how you are feeling, took the words straight outa my mouth. I can relate to this. Please, don't give up.. You will be happy one day, promise. Hang in there babe, chin up everythig will be ok in the end.
Take care
x x x
[If you think you can win, then you can win. Faith is necessary to victory]
Hunni, *hugs*
I'm not in the best place myself right now. I hope a hug will help a little.
You can get through it, you've been doing really well. I now how tireing it is to keep fighting, but it is worth it at the end. You can come out the other side sweetheart, I believe you can do this.
It's been 3 months, you can make it to 4, then 5 then 6...you can honestly. It's been a month since you last cut, don't give up on that. Surely you can see a light somewhere? If not you will soon, I promise.
Things will change, you will change, you can fight, you sound like a much stonger person than you seem to believe you are.
Have faith hun.
Stay safe, I'm around if you ant to talk at all. I am not in the best place myself, but I will listen, and I will try and help.
xxxx
each day you get through makes you a litle bit stronger and takes you a little bit closer to happiness
you should try talking to your doctor about how things are getting worse
you can get through this *hugs*
stay safe
saz xxxx
