Triggering (SI) - f&ck it

[black_sheep]

Argh y does so much **** have 2 happen 2 ple??? WHY????? I don’t understand how so many bad things can happen. Ur born, u die. Yeah if only it wer e that simple/. But NO theres funkoin **** all the way thru. And even those who don’t suffer dshit still get ill… and why? What can b so bad ina persons life when theyre loved and cared 4 , have a job, friends, roof over their head? Why does life seem so bleak? When others gpo thru such bad times and u ache inside from wanting to help them, to change their situation. Yet urwe blinded by ur own petty **** times. **** it, I need to cut 2 nite and goddamn it why shouldn’t I???? Who really cares if I do or not? I come here and vent, in a virtual way, but in my life no1 no’s what im feeling. I don’t want 2 tell and they wont understand. FUVCK. **** it ALL. yes ive been xdrinking but do i care?? NO.

argh. im so fed up of happy sad angry ok happy depressed feelings, swinging from 1 to another.. just make it STOP.

there is not one single 'but'
which will hold me from the cut
see the blood and feel alright
that is how i'll end my night
im done pretending its all ok
this piece of sh*t needs 2 pay...

[chocostashchick]

okay calm down and let it all out
i hope posting here helped
no more drinking
have some water and some coffee or tea
make sure you hydrate you dont want to get a headache
yes, you could cut tonight, but what would it solve? what good would it accomplish? nothing. it wont make your problems go away, and it wont make you feel better except for the very short term and then in the end you might feel worse
if you are feeling out of control and a rush of feelings, then calm down and do some deep breathing and try to distract yourself
clean, write, vent on here, whatever
then when you are calm try and work out what is upsetting you and problem solve a way to fix it
i hope you stay safe honey
keep updating us!!

life seems bleak and pointless and a whole lot of crap, but it isnt really that is the illness talking
think of your friends, your family, all the lovely people on ryl :)
there is so much more than the blackness, love
be safe and take care
xxxooo

[black_sheep]

AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH all i wanted was a b;lade and now ive ****ig brioken my mums sewing scissors - howe do i explain that??? ****. how can i not be ab,e 2 get a blade out ne more??. im useless.

thanks 4 replying. i no i shgudnt cut but **** it, im fed up of caring

[chocostashchick]

HEY I CARE
and you care too! you umm maybe just dont know it just now? but you are on here posting and maybe even subconsciously distracting yourself so you care, too!!!!
as for the scissors, umm you stepped on them by accident? or maybe you could take it as fate and use it as a chance to open up to your mom?
please stay safe, this will be okay
keep venting! let it out!!!
xxxooo

[black_sheep]

hey. thx 4 caring. and trying 2 stop me. its all gone a bit wrong and now im stuck with a blood stained carpet & jeans on top of the broken scissors. this is gonna take some serious bull sh*t explaining! but on the plus side i feel so much better, i feel released. but ur right, its temporary/short term, it'll wear off, and then i'll regret it all. 3 months down the drain - im gonna be seriously p*ssed off in the morning! but 4 now at least i can sleep. its all been building up 4 weeks and at last i feel i can breathe out. i'm sorry to suddenly burst out in this forum and also for giving into my urges. but i do appreciate ur kind words, so thank you. xx

[chocostashchick]

first of all you have nothing to be sorry for
second of all (since my train of thought is never far away from clothes) make sure that you wash up and put a bandage on with some antibacterial ointment, and then make sure that you rinse your jeans right away with cold water so it doesnt stain
actually, if you have any, hydrogen peroxide, which people usually have in their medicine cabinet, works really well for getting blood stains out so that could work on your jeans and the carpet (it isn't great for cuts though so try to stick to antibacterial ointment)
cold water, a little soap, and hydrogen peroxide and i have gotten rid of every blood stain i have made as long as i washed it right away

so anyway, your 3 months is not down the drain!!!!
you are still the same person who went a whole 3 months!
and even better, after you gave in just now, you regretted it and knew why it wasnt good for you so that shows that you are really self aware and have learned a lot
make sure you have something to drink so you arent hungover tomorrow, and clean yourself up, and go to bed and relax honey
stay safe i hope you are all right
xxxooo

[black_sheep]

thanks for all the advice - think the stains have gone now :D And yes, i managed 3 months which is great and i CAN do it again. especially as i want 2 wear my recovery bracelet again! oh and yes, i must get a drink now so im not too hungover 2morrow - good thinking! god i am not looking fwd 2 waking up and thinking back on 2nite. oh well.

thanks again. it was really nice having someone there listening and helping as i went thru my 'moment'! right, i'm off 2 bed, take care x

[chocostashchick]

aww thanks!
i think you should still be allowed to wear your bracelet though because you still went a whole 3 months!!! you have still accomplished that and you should be able to be proud and celebrate, and you are still working toward it so your goals havent changed or anything
have a good sleep and i hope you dont feel too crappy tomorrow
nite!!

[blondiebear]

How are you doing now? Sorry I didn't see this sooner. I'm 8 hours behind the UK.

Even if you apologize, can you get to a fabric store and replace your mom's sewing scissors. They are just dedicated to sewing and sort of are a specialized tool. That would make a world of difference and make your apology sincere. Here the good kind are about $40, the medium/adequate kind are $25.

You've shown that you can make it for three months no SI so you know you can do it again. You are not a piece of manure, you're just someone who is hurting. I think we SIers just feel emotions stronger than most people, the bad and the good.

Hey, chocostashchick, thanks so much for the advice on how to get blood stains out. I have a small non-SI wound on my foot and it bled through the bandage/plaster and socks all the way to the insole of my shoe. There wasn't any way I couldn't walk.

black_sheep, please, how are you now?
*hug*

[black_sheep]

hey guys, i'm feeling better now thanks. dissapointed at having sh-ed but i'm also too tired 2 have strong thoughts on anything. whats done is done. all i can do is move on x

[chocostashchick]

exactly
there is no point on dwelling in the past, which you cant change anyway
focus on the future

hmm i sound like a motivational poster or something