Triggering (Suicide) - Help

ThinkingofRecovery · 22-02-2008, 01:30 PM

Trying hard to resist. Is anyone there just to chat to distract?

Stellata · 22-02-2008, 01:59 PM

What's happening for you right now? What is it that's really hard?

ThinkingofRecovery · 22-02-2008, 02:06 PM

The stupid thing is that there isn't anything terrible wrong. I feel anxious and on edge and want to hurt myself. I've already OD twice the past 2 weeks. I've had to take a week off work for the first time ever which will just screw things up for me so much. If I hadn't agreed to take time off and work with the crisis team, they were going to admit me. I feel so pathetic and useless and the only thing worth livng for in my life (and the only reason people see me as useful) is now slipping away. I know it doesn't sound much but just can't drag myself back out of this hole of depression. I'm tired of fighting and am not afraid to die, although I know it would affect other people, albeit briefly. I've tried to explain to them but it's just me, I'm not worth it.

Stellata · 22-02-2008, 02:17 PM

There doesn't have to be anything terrible wrong for you to need help. It does sound though that you're in a very vulnerable state and in need of care and support.
You are worth it. But depression is trying to convince you otherwise.
How is a week off work, because you're ill, going to effect you?
Are you taking any medication, and are you receiving any emotional support through this? How are the crisis team helping you?

ThinkingofRecovery · 22-02-2008, 02:24 PM

I just feel ready to die. I'm so destructive at the moment. My attendance at work has been a little patchy as of late and I'm in a job in which people freely back-stab etc in order to move up the ladder. I'll be seen as weak. I don't even feel able to go back to work next week.

I'm back on Venlafaxine but have only been back on it for about a week or so and I know it takes time but I don't want to give it time.

Have spoken to and seen the crisis team so many times this week (including yesterday when they thought that I had managed to break my hand/wrist) but I feel so frustrated by it. I don't seem to be able to connect with them because I am a private person and they want me to all of a sudden spill everything to them. I know that they find me difficult to get on with and probably dislike me nearly as much as I dislike me.

I feel trapped and alone and have no way out.

Thanks for taking the time to chat!

Stellata · 22-02-2008, 02:29 PM

The work environment definitely doesn't sound like what you need right now, or to be very healthy in general. Could you speak with someone in HR or the disabilities rep [depression comes under that] for advice and support in what to do next?

It must be hard to be encouraged to tell everything that you've kept hidden. But speaking about what's happening for you can help them to help you keep safe.

ThinkingofRecovery · 22-02-2008, 02:38 PM

I'm not sure I want them to keep me safe. That probably doesn't make sense. I told them to piss off yesterday morning, only to have to speak to them again later that day in A&E. I think a small part of me realises that what I am doing at the moment is not quite right but the larger part of me is sick and tired of it all.

Stellata · 22-02-2008, 02:42 PM

It does make sense.
It sounds like your depression is trying desperately to push people away, maybe because something deep inside hurts so much.
But also some part of you is aware that you're ill and need some kind of help, but not quite sure how to trust letting that in?

Cazki · 22-02-2008, 02:42 PM

Hiya there it sounds like things are really difficult for you now. From what you have described by your work environment it doesnt sound like the happiest job to be in. Im really sorry for all of the pain your experiencing right now. You dont deserve this at all. Please dont give up though please keep fighting through this. I know how hard it is to fight the temptation but ending your life really isnt the answer. It would upset alot of people if anything happened to you, people would be devastated they really would. I know that what your going through is exremely difficult but it doesnt mean that you cant get through this.

Its important that you try not to keep everything bottled up inside you, as this will only add to your problems and could make things worse for you. Please try to keep yourself distracted as much as you possibly can. Things that you might want to have a think about trying are as following, listening to music, doing jobs to keep you busy, watching movies, going for a walk, posting on the fun and distractions forum, or writing down your thoughts and feelings.

Its important that when you write down your thoughts and feelings that you try to combine both the positive things as well as the negative things, as writing down just the negative things alone will not help in the long run. Please keep talking to us, please tak it easy its important that you look after yourself.

Take care best wishes Ian

ThinkingofRecovery · 23-02-2008, 02:34 AM

Thanks.

Is anyone still there to chat?

I've been with the Crisis team today but I know I have to take responsibility for myself. Why can't I sort it? Why can't there be a quick fix?

Cazki · 23-02-2008, 11:36 PM

Hello there im around for quite a while. How are you feeling today? Is there anything that you would like to talk about? Dont worry about bothering me your not bothering me at all. Il be more than happy to support you. Im afraid with deppression/suicide there is no quick fix there are lots of things to help with lessening or suppressing the thoughts of sucide and deppression, there is also counselling available and distractions help to. With deppression you dont get better just like that, im afraid it does take time it wont happen over night.

Best wishes Ian xxxxxx