Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - IVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pea soup]

Im So Sorry To Keep Filling Up The Board.
And This Is Basically A Rant Just To Get It Out.
I Went All Day Today Without A Flashback.
Kelly's Friend Came And Took Us Out To Lunch.
I Actually Left The House!!!!!
We Visited And Had A Very Nice Time.
Then I Cleaned House For About An Hour And Felt Like I Had Actually Accomplished Something!!!!
Then Later Tonight We Went Over To Kelly's Friend's To Visit.
I Was Fine When We Got There.....but As Time Went On I Started Feeling Strange. I Knew It Was About To Happen And There Was Nothing I Could Do To Stop It. Ive Tried All The Grounding Techniques. I Had A Flashback In Front Of Her Best Friend!!!!!!
I Was Completely Humiliated.
Kelly Assures Me That Everything Is Fine.
But Im Angry!!!!!
I Have Decided That These Flashbacks Are Going To Stop Controlling My Life!!!!!
So When We Left Her Friend's House....i Made Myself Go To Wal-mart Because We Needed Some New Curtains And Pillow Shams. Normally I Would Have Come Straight Home....taken Pain Meds And Laid Up With The Heating Pad.
It Was Very Painful Walking Through The Store But I Dont Care!!!!
My Father's Perversion Is No Longer Going To Control My Life!!!!
Ive Finally Gotten Angry.
I Am Now Sitting On The Heating Pad And Have Taken Meds.
But I Proved To Myself That I Can Work Through The Pain. It Isnt Easy But I Can Do It.
That Man Has Controlled My Life For Too Long Now. He Is Dead And Continues To Control Me!!!! No More!!!!
I May Not Can Control The Flashbacks But I Dont Have To Give In To Them.
I Refuse To Be That Scared Little Girl Anymore.
Thats My Mindset Right Now And I Hope It Continues To Stay This Way.
Sorry For The Ranr But I Really Needed It.

Love To All.
Xxxxxxxxxx

[Stellata]

Good for you.

Anger can be very healthy and empowering.

[SpiralArtist]

I *totally* hear you on *all* of that. blessed be your fire, may it empower you and be a companion on your journeys.
wish i could offer you more support.

angela

[pea soup]

thank you guys...

i havent slept all night and am exhausted.
and i dont know what to do about it.
one minute i convince myself that im strong...and the next im moaning about not sleeping. ugh.....

[Divine.Night]

Rachel, that's so great to hear! Sometimes it takes us getting angry to pull through and you should be so so proud of yourself! Don't worry too much about feeling strong one mnute and not so strong the next. All that matters is that you know you can do it!

Keep fighting. You're doing so well!

[chocostashchick]

rachel i love you and my brain fell out of my head just now so i cant think of anything profound to say but i love you and keep fighting

[Mandimoo]

hey hun, dont let him rule your life, no battle worth fighting ended in one day did it? make slow progress, so what if you take 2 steps forwards and the next morning go back a pace becuase you're tired/in pain etc... you're still making progress, you're still gaining ground, you're still advancing towards the enemie's camp.

finally you see a bit tent - this is where the horror lies... you take a big stick, hit the tent and guess what? it collapses because it knows you have won, it has fled the scenem too scared to defend its own territory. it cannot control you, it cannot win against you.

you'll get there, i believe in you. mand x

[blondiebear]

Wow.

I'm sorry that you have to hurt still. It is so awesome that you were able to leave the house and then run an errand while you are out too.

You are fighting so hard. You set an example for me so I can continue my fight too.

*gives you a loving hug*

[pea soup]

thank you all so much.
and im still battling!!!
NO giving up!!!!!
love to all.
xxxxxxxxx

[chocostashchick]

*sings a cheer*
Go Rachel! Go Rachel! It's your birthday! Go Rachel!

woowooo!!!!

well it was your birthday a few days ago so that cheer's still good :)