Today is my 8th day of not cutting. I made a deal with my boyfriend. He really wants to quit smoking pot so we have this whole "you quit, I quit" agreement. He's doing really well and not smoked in 8 days. He had a minor thing yesterday when we were sat in the same pub as his ex dealer and he had a pocket full of spare money but I tried my best to reason with him and we left without him buying any and he later thanked me for my support. All good stuff I hear you say... I feel really tense right now. Nothing has happened to set me off, I was just sat looking at my healing wounds and really wanted to do it again. I mean REALLY wanted to. I'm sure you know the feeling. But I didn't. I did some artwork I'd been promising him for a while which kept my mind off it for an hour but soon as I finished, thoughts came back. So I thought I'd try the same kind of talk it thro in my "hour of need" as it were. But no. Thats never gonna happen. I can't blame him, he's got his own s**t to deal with and he really doesn't get it, although he is very supportive in his own way.
Anyway. Point is, this is all just to keep my mind occupied til I go to bed. So I'm sorry if I wasted your time at all. I guess I just had to rant.
Goodnight
xx
If the only true wisdom lies in knowing that you know nothing, then I must be a f***ing genius
First off, congratulations on being 8 days free! That's so great and you should be proud of yourself. While he may not fully understand what it is you are going through, it is great that he is there supporting you. Perhaps when you are having a hard time, maybe the two of you could play a game or go take a walk? I don't have the best ideas, but who knows. It might help.
Good job on making it this far! You can pm me if you want. I will be around here all night if you need to talk to someone. just give me a shout :) hang in there, you can do it!!
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
i think that reading that was the OPPOSITE of a waste of time! that is so inspiring actually how you two are like supporting each other that's cute and 8 DAYS! WHOA!!!
i hope the distracting yourself is working! even though you may think that you want to si again, afterwards you probably won't feel relieved or better, just worse and it won't solve anything for you. you have come really far it sounds like!
i hope you have been able to keep staying safe!
Firstly I would like to say thank you for your replies. It always helps to know I'm not alone.
*hugs all round*
He slipped up.
He bought some weed.
Everyone is entitled to their relapses. Thing is, my first thought was "he has, so that means I can" I don't wanna think like that. We talked and I know it would make him feel worse if I used his slip up as an excuse to cut again. Christ, I would be a total bitch to do so. But I can't help feeling like he can't have a go at me for it cos he did it first.
My god I sound like a heartless ****.
So far I haven't done anything. It will be 2 weeks on tuesday, the longest I've gone this year so far. And part of me wants to stay SI free.And part of me says why shouldn't I? It would get rid of this feeling of restlessness and discomfort. And if I didn't tell him he'd never know cos he doesn't notice these things. But I don't wanna hide stuff, I wanna be honest.
I guess a part of me is hurt cos I didn't cut cos that was the deal and I wanted to help him quit, and now I feel like it's all one sided and he couldn't care less if I quit or not. I feel selfish for thinking that.
Maybe I am just a shitty excuse for a human being and I like to hide behind the facade of "helping people" cos it will make me feel better about myself.
I really hate me sometimes.
Last edited by Snorkmaiden : 24-02-2008 at 02:15 AM.
Reason: shoddy spelling
If the only true wisdom lies in knowing that you know nothing, then I must be a f***ing genius
That is so awesome that you are 2 weeks free! Congrats!
Quiting is a tough decison, it definately helps to have a support network. In this case RYL and your boyfriend. Quiting is also something that you do for yourself also. So my advice would be to look at how it would make you feel if you cut. I know you say it would upset him, and that's really important too, but how would it make you feel?
I think that anyone who has the courage to try and stop is an incredable person. *hugs* you can pm me if you want to talk and good job again :)
The restless feeling...I hate it. I just got anti anxiety meds. I started today and I've been wanting to cut but it's almost like I don't have the energy or something...have you tried xanax or something?
that amazing that youre managing so far... nice one! at the risk of sounding really patronising: keep it up, its totally worth it.
holding back and having self restraint is a hell of a challenge when you've come to use cutting as a form of escape and a form of coping - i feel like we all probs understand that one..
i wish i wasnt having to hold back so much at the moment...
still: hope everythings still going well with the plan :)
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
you are not shitty or selfish at all!!! that's total crap. you're the opposite - you are actually thinking about how this might make HIM feel
don't give in, for both your sakes
you need to quit for you, not for him, but since you are doing this together and supporting eachother, think about how much stronger you both will be if you keep this up and make it 2 weeks free!!! show him that it is possible, that you can do it, but mostly do it for yourself!!! you have come so far and you will be so disappointed if you give in now, and really what good will cutting do? what does it really solve other than a nasty cycle of violence that leaves you with scars and nothing else? nada. zip. zero. going two whole weeks free, however, will leave you proud and satisfied and stronger and hey maybe even set a good example for your bf and other people on ryl.
keep up the good work! stay strong honey!!!!
xxxooo callie
I really want to cut.
I've only just got up. Couldn't see the point in getting out of bed. Only got up cos I run out of cigarettes. Spent all day so far staring into space. I feel so ****.
We had an almighty row last night. He keeps saying we should call it a day then takes it back 2 minutes later. I think he's not left me cos he thinks I'd slit my wrists or something. He says he loves me and I shold be able to see in myself what he sees in me, which may be true but he gets so annoyed when I don't take everything he says as gospel. he did throw the weed he bought out the window just to keep with our deal and help me out but he still doesn't get it, and he gets really angry when I say he doesn't understand. I guess I'm not very good at explaining myself sometimes. I'm really struggling at the minute. Not just with not cutting but with everything. I feel like I'm losing my grip, I'm emotionally all over the place. Angry and upset and depressed over nothing. Maybe its cos I'm not cutting so I have nothing to keep me grounded. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I'm just freaking out cos its hit me that my SI is actually a problem cos I know I should stop but deep down I'm not sure I want to.
If the only true wisdom lies in knowing that you know nothing, then I must be a f***ing genius
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
well i am glad to hear that the weed went out the window, and it's nice that he is trying to be there for you and help you in his own mildly mixed-up way. you both are trying to do something for yourselves that is SO SO hard, even with support, so you should commend yourselves for that
maybe because you are both going through it at the same time, it's harder for you to do it together and support eachother as well
do you have a doctor or therapist that you see? i think that you deserve some help with this from an unbiased person so i would think about getting some help with it
good luck sweetie - stay strong. try and remember what made you want to do this in the first place. you had reasons, really good reasons, and now that you are in the thick of it and it is getting really hard you have to try to hold onto them and not lose sight. if you are feeling emotionally all over the place, maybe you could keep a feelings journal, write things down to help sort them out and make sense of it?
Thank you. I really appreciate all your advice. I've calmed down a little now, he came in from work and we hugged for ages n we all loved up again.
I don't have a dr or therapist or anything. There's only my boyfriend and my ex who is a good friend these days that know about my SI. I'll get thro it. I think writing again would be a good idea, its something I used to do a lot.
Thanks again for all your support.
Pam xxx
If the only true wisdom lies in knowing that you know nothing, then I must be a f***ing genius
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
hey Pam!
you must be the envy of the entire female population (or rather the entire collective population of people that date men) - a sweet boyfriend AND a sweet ex who you are still friends with and who cares about you???? how did you get that lucky lol no fair
anyway i'm glad you guys talked and that you feel better, but i might as well throw the advice at you that everybody throws at me, including my best friend who harasses me about this weekly, and encourage you to think about a therapist. apparently everybody needs therapists so we might as well think about it to. i'm discovering (and this is different for everybody) that my si is probably due to the fact that i am seriously emotionally stunted and like can't process my own emotions and am unstable and stuff, so i have decided to try therapy for real and i just called and left a message at a therapy center (my passive version: calling after hours so i dont have to talk to a real person haha)
anyway, we all si for our own reasons and have unique issues and pain, but the common factor apparently is that nobody can solve all of their own problems and that maybe our si is a sign that our problems are out of control and we need help
just something to think about! i really dont understand it all myself but hey, therapy really cant hurt (i think) it can only help so what does it hurt to try?
