Triggering (SI/Abuse) - lost

[Stellata]

I'm lost.

I'm not severely depressed so much now.
But I'm not super happy sociable well either.

I was never sexually abused.
But my soul was violated on a daily basis. I was persecuted and marginalised.

I don't self harm any more, and when I did it was 'minor'. I have no scars to show what I've done.
But I hold emotional scars that not everyone can see, or understand.

I don't have DID.
But I do have an alternate self, another me, who's not the Katie we might know and love.

I don't meet all the criteria for Borderline PD.
But my alternate self pretty much does.

I've never had a relationship.
But I crave affection.

I have a woman's body.
But I am emotionally in many ways still an adolescent.

I was never a member of a cult.
But I've belonged to a cult-like organisation that damaged my mental health. And my family may as well have been a cult.

I'm not one thing or another. I don't feel like fit in anywhere on the internet mental health arena.
I'm lost.

And I feel so alone.

[pea soup]

Katie,

you may feel alone but i assure you, youre not.
we all love and care about you.
your post was very moving but in a sad way.
i still feel like an adolescent most of the time. i think i still crave affection but not as in an intimate relationship.
i crave it as if im STILL a child.
i want to be held like a baby and rocked like a baby.
i think when we are neglected as children, we may always crave that type of closeness with someone.
keep posting if it helps you Katie.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

[chocostashchick]

aww katie i can relate to that SO much
i often feel like my feelings and my behaviors are not justified because i am not crazy enough, and i was never abused in any way
but it isn't true and feelings don't need to be validated, they are automatically valid on their own just because you feel them
and you are not alone, Rachel is right!
if nothing else, i think i sympathise with you and Rachel clearly does!!
i hope that helps somewhat
be strong and keep posting

[Stellata]

Thank you.

It's a very lonely place, and few people understand, it seems.

I feel like I'm a leper or something. It hurts.

[Lora]

I can relateto alot of what youve written. I always feel like my feeling arent justified or something, because I dont have specific diagnosis, if that makes sense, in fact I spoke to a mental health nurse at the hospital a few times after stitches and an od, and all she could really say was that I dont fit the profile for self harm because Id never been abused. Great.
I wish there was something I could do to make things OK. But please know that you are not alone.
Always here if ou want to talk, PM me anytime
Love Lora xx

[blondiebear]

I understand. My parents and sister totally emotionally (as well as physically and sexually) violated me. Since they still emotionally and mentally put me down, I'm done with them.

I don't meet all of the criteria for borderline but I sure have some of the traits.
Emotionally I doing my best to accept the terrors of life with my parents for what it was so I can remember it and then let go of it.

My SI scars only look like sun damage. My primary care physician is on my case about sun exposure. So I'm looking at it as an opportunity to give myself the gift of making pretty light weight long sleeve cotton shirts for myself, and call them sun shirts.
My emotional scars are incredible too. Often I wish I looked as bad on the outside as I feel on the inside.

You're not alone.
*gives you a cherishing hug*

[Stellata]

Thank you... I'll reply properly later, as I'm pretty busy today.

I do feel more stable and calm today. Therapy yesterday helped, then work yesterday afternoon, and today I'm having a restful day at home, working on all my duties at RYL. I feel less of a lost alienated freak today...