I'm so overwhelmed and I told you I could cope with starting it all again? It's a folio - Anthony - of course I can't cope with it. Why did anyone believe me? Why did I? On second thought, just shut up, maybe I won't be alive to go back to school anyway.
I want to do something bad because of the way "you" have made me feel. How sad is that.
Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular, even though the herd may go.
I ate way too much at chinese restraunt with my family.. (darn 'family style' where you can pile on whatever and pile some more) prolly had like 4 plates.. and then I get home and eat abunch of shrek peanut m&ms... oh, and my mom called me obnoxious and told me to grow up.. I should puke, but I'll wait till my bro and sister go to the hottub in afew mins.. they ask me but I cant go cause I jacked up my chest and they dont know about my si and crap..
I suck
-brian
-edit.. I finally gave in and did it.. I havent made myself sick in prolly 2 months.. *is a failure*
Last edited by pugdog : 08-04-2007 at 02:47 AM.
'in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see'
Pugdog, it's all too easy to get hung up on the faliures, to only think of the negatives - two months without making yourself sick is absolutely awesome! Yes, you slipped up, but no long journey goes without trip-ups every so often. When you're walking in the street and you slip up, do you stay lying down, or do you stand back up, brush yourself off, and get on with things?
Take care - and focus on the positivity!
___
I just made myself sick. I cannot, however, decide what's worse. The fact that I puked, the fact that I b/p'ed on my brothers easter present from me, the fact that I b/p'ed with my mum & her friend in the house, or the fact that I could (*shockhorror*) gain weight from it.
I hate me sometimes.
No, i'm never ****ing right am i? Always in the ****ing wrong.
And no, no one even bothers to ****ing listen to me.
I'm really sick of people treating me like ****. What the **** is the point?
Sooo.. ya, I went and cut today.. and then burned.. not too bad tho, but still.. I just hate myself. why dont I improve? why dont I get better at anything? I eat too much, im annoying, Im hurtful, im selfish, im childish, immature, why cant I get control of myself? im freakin 23 years old, almost 24 I shouldnt be acting like this.. my mom told me to grow up the other day, and said I was obnoxious.. and shes usually nice.. now she cant stand me.
blah. I'll prolly be doing it again soon.
-dumb
'in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see'
I have a splitting headache. The world is spinning. My glands are swollen and my throat feels like sandpaper and my face is sunburnt and peeling and horrible and just gah.
I've gargled with salt water about a billion squillion times and it only helps for about 2 minutes. Chocolate isn't helping although I've resigned myself to the fact that a) it might and b) it makes me feel better because damn, it's good chocolate, and c) we haven't got any other food in the god damn house anyway.
I want to stop feeling so ****ING ill. This is not nice. And more importantly, I only have two days (not inc. today) to get over it!
Please don't let me be ill on the way to South Africa please don't let me be ill on the way to South Africa please don't let me be ill on the way to South Africa.
I really, really, really want it to go well; please, will the goddamn room stop moving.
you fake f*cking b*tch, get off your back? get off mine. i came to see YOU and it was a total waste of my f*cking time. you think you know me but you dont have a f*cking clue. i have had enough. you are a sh*t friend. i have new razors, old skool style and f*cking sharp - they're a better friend than you are ever gonna be. stop slating him in front of me - im upset. i love him. telling people about it in front of me is only going to make me want to kill you. seriously. shut the f*ck up. you don't know what you're talking about. contrary to your beliefs you are not the centre of everyone's world. so shut the f*ck up. how dare you go wrecking our night? ffs. im so mad i cant even pinpoint what im mad about. dont tell me not to interfere when you're the one who stuck your f*cking beak in. im looking out for you...be nice if you cut me the same slack once in a while. i DONT TRUST YOU. i never will. it's hilarious how you think we are best friends yet you know f*ck all coz i cant trust you. ever. you have a big mouth. yeah, he didnt talk much...but thank f*ck he didnt go on and on like you. shut up. you pretend you knew about me harming when we were younger but you did not know - it was only when i told you. because the fact is i never stopped...and you havent mentioned it, coz i told you i stopped and you believe me. you think you know it all that youre some kind of psychologist, that you have a 'sense' of people. but you dont. your people skills suck c*ck. you dont have a clue whats going on with me and that's how it is staying. i hate that you pretended about that. i hate that you say 'everyone knew' when they hadnt got a clue. coz i was doing my hips - you dont even know that, you are just guessing it was my arms. you f*cking phoney. ive had it with your lies.
i dont want to go to sleep ever...all i dream about is you, nightmares, flashbacks, sex dreams, and i wake up and youre not f*cking there. i cant stand it. who knew that missing a person could hurt so much. the days stretch ahead in an empty trail punctuated by sweaty lonely nights. im scared...i dont know how to go on. and i know you arent missing me like that. i left it all open. all you'd have to do is text. it feels like we got divorced and you got all the life and i got all the pain. i wonder how you are, what you're doing, if you are this horny, this lost and directionless. and i know that youre not. and i wish that you were. where did the feelings go? what the hell happened? how am i going to never never see you again? man. i miss you. nothing compares. nothing. all the blood in the world wont wipe this pain away.
i knew you'd bail. you f*cking cow. i wish you wouldnt lie about it - i know it's coz of that twat, not coz of your work. im properly hacked off with you now.
'in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see'
