Triggering (SI) - i feel disgusting

chocostashchick · 11-06-2007, 03:31 AM

had a horrid weekend
i was with a friend visiting her and the entire weekend i just felt like a disgusting mess
i dont know why because we did what we always used to do but the entire time i just didnt want to be there - i wanted to be at home by myself surrounded by pillows and my big duvet in my bed
and i spent waaaaaay too much money which i always seem to do when i feel like utter crap and now i am mad at myself for that
and i did more things to myself that i really regret now but i honestly feel like that is the only thing holding me together atm and i cant be bothered to try to not do it even though i hate myself for it

panic panic panic my first drs apt is on thursday ewww

i talked to my dad today and i am really worried about him but there is nothing i can do since he is really far away right now - i just hate the feeling that there is nothing you can do

pea soup · 11-06-2007, 01:12 PM

im sorry you had a bad weekend. but this is a new week!!! so we get to start over.
as for your docs appt.....thurs is still a while away. try not to stress about it.
*snuggles*
much love.
xx

darklainnie · 11-06-2007, 01:31 PM

just sending hugs to u hun ...
as Apple says its a new week, try to hold on to that hun xx

Lora · 11-06-2007, 02:05 PM

honey, i know how you feel, this weekend i went away with my friends for a few days, and all i wanted to do was leave
youre not alone, im here for you, and i know how you feel
and im always here if you want to talk about it
love lora xx

chocostashchick · 11-06-2007, 04:22 PM

hugs rachel and lora and darklainnie

thanks you guys

i'm at work right now and i just feel like pond scum or something
i want to not be here so badly
and i am trying realllllly hard not to go out to my car and get my blade but it is soooo tempting and it would only take 2 minutes
this is such a mess
i just feel like everything is getting out of control
i am behind on so many things right now but i just cant make myself catch up
i do care, but i just cant be bothered and dont have the energy to do any of it
what does it matter anyway

chocostashchick · 11-06-2007, 07:51 PM

damnit

~*forever_broken*~ · 11-06-2007, 10:45 PM

Hey Chica,
Hon...damnit what? You ok? I'm sorry your weekend was so lousy... But I agree with everyone else, it's a new week, you can make it better. Don't stress about the docs appointment, it won't help, believe me.
Take care of yourself hon.
*hugs*
Alyssa

chocostashchick · 12-06-2007, 10:37 PM

not doing well right now :'(
having like the worst week and i dont even know why
i just cant stop myself anymore and its like i dont have any self control anymore
i feel revolting
and i regret so much the gross things that i keep doing
i burnt my wrist so badly yesterday and now there is like this big bump on it and it hurts so bad but i had to cover it up so nobody would see
im an icky mess

chocostashchick · 13-06-2007, 04:25 PM

i feel like a ghost or something
i get up every day but im not really there
i go to work but it's not me, it's somebody else talking and walking and putting on a happy face
i lie to my friends and my family about how i feel and it kills me
what kills me more though is that they believe me of course that is my own fault
i feel so incredibly alone, alone in my own body
alone when i am surrounded my people
because im not there and i am lying the entire time so it really isnt me
i si all the time now, multiple times a day which i never used to do and that kills me
and in places i never used to what is wrong with me what is wrong with me

Destinationzero · 13-06-2007, 06:41 PM

You are not alone. We are here for you whenever you need us here. You are not alone. At least I know how you feel and that makes two and two is not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. It just seems that you might be letting the facad take over your life and SI seems like its the only way you can scream out that you're still inside the person who is pretending to be you. You don't have to pretend to be happy all the time...maybe some of the time...but not all the time. If you're having a crap day tell people..I'm having a crap day. You just need to free yourself from ...your false self. Please stay safe. I hope your day gets better.

This week is half way over....and tomorrow is another day to begin again.

Margo · 13-06-2007, 06:54 PM

I know its hard nd pretty much everything you have written i have felt too.

Its the docs tomorrow. If you can i would print off what you have written here. It will be fine. If printing stuff off seems a little too much then try to write down your feelings. It really helps when you go to the doc, because its always the way that we sit there after a dreadful week and forget it all!

Its going to be ok!

Matthew x

chocostashchick · 15-06-2007, 02:59 PM

Thanks so much Evie and Matthew and Alyssa *hugs*
I made it to my first appt yesterday!! I was really nervous and while I was in the waiting room I sorta had to leave and go to the bathroom and SI in the stall, but I made it! I couldnt print out my posts this time, but next time I think I will. I did write stuff down to show her though. It wasnt as bad as I expected, and I said a lot, but there was still a lot that I left out and I am pretty sure that I lied about some things but still a good beginning maybe. I didnt feel as relieved as I expected to. She said that she had a "magical backpack" or something in the corner of her room where you would unload everything and leave it behind and not have to carry it with you anymore - and that really almost made me get up and leave and never come back.
She told me to read "Why Women Hurt Themselves" by Dusty Miller. I completely resent the idea of homework, but I am going to check it out anyway. I have to wait over a month for my next appt though - but i almost think that is a good thing because i dont think i could make myself go again any time soon.
I'm really scared about the idea of not SIing anymore. I know that it is bad and unhealthy and dangerous, but I dont KNOW it. It has been a part of my life for over 9 years and it has done really good things for me and gotten me through a lot. It's a bad thing to do, but I dont feel like it is ALL bad (which is probably why i am crazy crazy). I think that I almost dont believe that there is a better way.
thank god it's friday though - i so need a break

ChrisG · 15-06-2007, 05:55 PM

Go Callie!!!!!!! Well done you.

<Proud hugs>

chocostashchick · 18-06-2007, 05:01 PM

So this is my latest conundrum:
I have been thinking about how my first appt went with the therapist, and I am not sure that I want to go back to see her. How do you know that your therapist is the right one for you? Are there specific things that I can ask her? I definitely did most of the talking at the appt, and a lot of her questions were general (like if I have siblings and if my parents are still married and if I live alone or not), but the other things she said just didnt really resonate with me. Toward the end of the session she said the pathetic bit about the magic backpack, which might be helpful to people under the age of ten but which I did not need to hear, and she just kept talking about how I was ready to face my issues now, which was sort of a duh moment because if I wasn't I wouldn't have made this appointment out of my own free will. But anyway, does anybody have any suggestions for how I can figure out if I should keep seeing her? I dont want to spend months wasting appointments and then find out that we dont work well together. I kind of have a bad feeling about it but I cant tell if it is because of her specifically or because I still really am nervous about the whole process in general.

ChrisG · 18-06-2007, 07:30 PM

Well done you Callie!!!

I think you're right to be cautious, but you can't know whether someone's right for you after just one session. You are almost certainly nervous about the entire process, which is only understandable.

Well done on going once, now make sure you go again. You've done the hard part!!

<Hugs>

~*forever_broken*~ · 18-06-2007, 08:24 PM

Callie, I am SO proud of you!!! *super big hugs* I just couldn't wait till the end of the post to hug you :) Anyway, I agree that you should probably wait another session or so before you try and make a judgment as to whether or not you want to keep seeing this gal (though I'm with you, the magic backpack would have caused me to run screaming from the room ;) ). You never know, you could really click *shrugs*.

*hugs*

Again, I am so proud of you!!!

Alyssa xxxxx

chocostashchick · 19-06-2007, 06:04 PM

*hugs alyssa and chris*

i actually took a book out of the library called "how to go to therapy"

and i just went to the shops and bought clear bandaids and ointment and stuff, and bigger bracelets and such now that it is summer
i was just like on autopilot and then i got home and realised how sad it is that i have to buy these things
will i ever not atuomatically think of stuff like that and will i ever NOT be a cutter?

in other news i think my roommate saw my cuts last night by accident and i dont know what to do
she doesnt know obviously
i just smiled and acted like everything was normal and inside i was going "sh** sh** sh**"
since my SI has branched out into more places on my body, some cuts are just impossible to hide and in the moment i dont really realise what i am doing. i am so worried that people are going to find out and nobody knows and it needs to stay that way. i need to be better about where i do it. thankfully i am working tonight so i dont think i will see my roommate today. this is how i deal with things - massive amounts of avoidance. i am just going to not see her for as long as possible and hopefully the next time i do see her will be so far away that she will have forgotten. yay a plan.

~*forever_broken*~ · 20-06-2007, 05:21 AM

Ok, well first, this has nothing to do with anything but I'm watching Sex in the City and the gal is whining about going to a counselor just like we do ;).
Ok enough of that.
Anyway hon, I think we all get to the point where we just automatically do stuff like that. I went to the market the other day to get some food, just food, and walked out with bandaids.
Ugh, sorry to hear about your room mate. Not cool. Are you sure she saw? I don't know really what to tell you. If my room mate found out I'd just die :s
Take care and good luck with both the room mate and counseling.

*hugs*
Pm me whenever.

Alyssa

chocostashchick · 20-06-2007, 02:53 PM

thanks sweetie
i love sex and the city - i saw that one too haha
yeah my roommate definitely saw, unless she experiences random bouts of blindness that i am not aware of
so far i have managed to not talk to her for about 26 hours
yay my personal relationships are not even remotely unhealthy
and in other news last night i SId..... on the side of my NECK in addition to other places
i cant believe it happened
i woke up and looked in the mirror and was like WTF? and then i remembered
pretty soon i am going to be walking around with gashes all over my forehaed spelling out "LOOK WHAT I DO TO MYSELF"
how great - something to look forward to?

~*forever_broken*~ · 20-06-2007, 03:50 PM

Just make sure you write it backward for you so everyone else can read it ;)
Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood.
*super big hug* Hun, I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say. Well, other than here's hoping your room mate does suffer from 'random bouts of blindness'. Be careful hun, when you SI...be very careful.

Pm me any time.

*hugs*

Alyssa