Triggering (Suicide) - Needing support

[Becca]

I've done something stupid. I was writing a letter to one of my drs about my issues inc. SI and suicide attempts and a friend was sat next to me at the computers and offered to read it for me. I was so stupid. I let her read it.

She actually used the word freak. Told me if I told people this is made me look like I was really crazy and how I'd never be taken seriously by another dr again. Ever. Some fo it was the SI stuff - why would I be so stupid and the suicide attempts - 'pathetic not even real attempts'. The other things that are happening which make me sound really unhinged and with the exception of a supporter here and my CPN no-one knows about and I swear I will never ever ever tell anyone how I feel again. I thought she would understand.

I am so sick and tired of trusting people. Of people saying to me that it doesn't matter what I say it'll be fine and then it not being. My life is crumbling around me and every time I try and reach out to someone about it it just gets even worse. I thought telling the dr would help me but after this reaction there is no way. My mental health effects my physical I know that, but this person said what I am going through and how I feel just proves their point that I am crazy liar. I look fine so how can I possibly feel like I do?

BECAUSE I DO. THAT'S WHY NOT EVERYONE LOOKS HOW THEY FEEL.

Every single thing that has happened over the past six months this person now knows.

Why did I let them read it? It's bad enough feeling suicidal as it is without people calling me nasty names for feeling like it.

[blondiebear]

You are not a freak. You are someone who has some problems.

The person who read your letter is obviously not a friend. The names she called you are because she is a rude closed minded cruel person. She doesn't know any better. A lot of people don't, they don't have a clue.

I have problems too. I don't look that way either. My marks are under my clothes and my old scars just look like sun damage. Right now I'm taping my sleeve when I teach two hours/week so there isn't a chance it will ride up and the girls will be able to see the marks.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, an incest survivor, some one who SI's and I have clinical depression. My Doc's reaction to my telling her I'd been sober for many years was "congratulations." None of my real friends consider me to be a freak. I've gotten a couple of scarcastic remarks lately but I take them for what they are, that people care enough that they are tired of me hurting myself.

Tell the doctor. He won't tell you that it's fine. He/she will help you or steer you towards someone who can help you. Your doc can't tell anyone else unless you are a threat to yourself or someone else. You are not a freak. You are someone in pain and trying to cope. SI is a coping mechanism.

Please don't let what this person did stop you from telling your doctor. You deserve understanding and care!

[Becca]

Thanks for the support. It has put me off telling him and anyone else for that matter. Am supposed to be seeing my CPN tommorow, currently I think I will probably cancel. This person is also a dr and I have known them for years. Things like having been an alcoholic in the past they already knew about and were fine with it so I assumed they would be about this too *stupid*.

All my doctors have told me it is fine. I am not the right type to actually kill myself or have the other problems so they aren't a problem. The problem is *me* because I must like being like this. They say I enjoy it and don't want to be well all because I refused to see their psychologist to find out why I like being this way and to be given what they term to be a controlled nervous breakdown because that's the only way to fix someone like me.

I appreciate why you think I should tell but I can't. Not now. There is no way. This was my safety person to talk to.

[chocostashchick]

after reading your post, the only person i would call a freak is that person who was supposed to be your friend (and honestly if they said that to you, then i am not sure they are your friend at all). i am so sorry that they said that to you, because it isnt true at all and you should not have had to hear it. *hugs*
this site is full of people who SI and have survived suicide attempts and none of us are freaks or crazy - we are trying the hardest we can to overcome incredible things and if that makes you a freak or crazy then maybe those words need a more accurate description. lol or maybe we can all be crazy freaks together! if that many of us are freaks though, can we really all be freaks? hmm
please dont let what one ignorant person said to you scare you from sharing this again, or telling your doctor. honestly, si and suicidiality are not crazy or freakish and docs are more used to hearing people report that than you would think. this is what these docs and cpns specialise in - mental health and the whole range of behaviors that come with it. it's their job - they wont judge you and if anything they will be glad that you were able to share with them because people are a lot less honest with their docs than you would think sometimes to the point that docs are often relieved when people open up to them
please please dont let one ignorant person's reaction scare you honey
it took so much courage to just write that letter - dont let it go to waste
please show it to your doc
you deserve to get help
you can post it here if you like and we can read it if you want an opinion but you seem very articulate and a good writer from what you posted here so i am sure it is perfect
hugs
xxxooo


edited to add:

you are not stupid for thinking you could tell your cpn! you can and they will be supportive and try to help you, because honestly some people (myself included) think that si is a lot like other addictions (like alcoholism) in that you become emotionally dependent on it etc. please go to the appt and bring the letter with you and just give it a try, see if you want to tell them. i am sorry this friend was your safety person and that they hurt you like this, but not everybody reacts like that. unfortunately, some do, but some dont. i've had mixed reactions myself, but luckily one person reacted poorly at first and over time came to understand better so maybe your friend will too? your doctors in the past have treated you poorly it sounds like, and you know what? they were wrong. it is a problem. you do deserve help and you should have help. you dont deserve to feel this way, but you do deserve help for your si and the other things. si is a problem. a big problem, and if you have taken the huge step toward wanting to get help from it, dont let your friend's bad reactions or the docs bad reactions in the past stop you. go get your help! be strong and fight for yourself, advocate for yourself!

please dont give up!

[Becca]

I went to the cpn appointment but it wasn't very helpful. The person that he and everyone else sees isn't me or what I am really feeling. It is impossible to describe. I've begun doing as much as I can mentally to get away from things - and some are really dangerous which I can recognise when okay but when not (and it is more often not these days) things get really scarey. Being blacklisted from A&E and crisis team doesn't help because I have no-one I can contact when it gets like that. When okay (which I'm rarely these days) I can pray and hope nothing will happen that I want help and have hope of it. But that happens perhaps once a week if that - a total reversal of how things began to slide.

I mentioned having felt suicidal but he said it is just feelings so can be ignored. It isn't but explaining what is is impossible. Only one person has an idea and that's a supporter here. I've written letters about it but they don't count as it is what I *say* that does.

*looks/feels confused*

[chocostashchick]

*feels confused also*
aw honey i am so sorry that you are stuck in this confusing mess and feel so alone
you are doing the right thing, though, but continuing to go to your appointments and seeing your cpn
could you print out your posts from here and bring them with you? you do a great job of describing how you feel and stating what is missing/going wrong in your therapy and it might help you all be on the same page
therapy and stuff like that can't work if you and your docs are not all on the same page and thinking the same thing, so i think bringing your posts from RYL with you might really help because you do a great job talking about your therapy here
please hang in there and keep fighting, hun!!
keep us updated, too!

[Becca]

Thanks for the reply.

It isn't cpns fault. It's that I have a barrier which goes up whenever I see them. It's very very effective. Too effective. I can explain things better in writing but they want me to talk more because it looks better I look better then. But I'm not. It's just hiding.

I can go to my appointment feeling really bad. I sit waiting for them and in that time barrier goes up and everything looks fine. They know things are bad but not how bad or how frightening it all is for me. Asking me to assume I'll live because I have so far is something that should have been suggested to me months and months ago - I'm too far along a ~very~ scarey road for that now.

Sorry for confusion!

[chocostashchick]

hey nothing to be sorry for!!!
i know EXACTLY what you mean now because i myself am a total MASTER at putting up the effective barrier and living in denial-land while it is up
reading that, what you just wrote, makes me even more sure that you really should print out your RYL posts and give it to the cpn, or write something for them
just say what you said here "i have a hard time expressing this in words, in the moment, and i will try to work on that but for the time being you need to know this and all i can manage is to write it so please read it now and later we can work on my communication skills and my verbally expressing things" or something like that
in order for them to help you best, they need to know how you are RIGHT NOW, and if for now talking is harder and writing is easier, write it and give it to them
i really hope that this gets better for you and that you get the help you need because you are trying so hard, i can tell, and you deserve it
hugs

[Becca]

Thanks for the reply. I have written things for them before, but they are being ignored. I've printed several messages and conversations with supporters on here for them they scan them and give them back to me. A huge part of their work is based on what a patient looks like. You wouldn't believe the number of times I've been told 'if you looked like this then I'd be worried' or how I should buy some bright pretty coloured clothes to make me happy.

I wrote a letter to OH about continuing in work and said how much better everyone would be without me continuing to exist and about what I had planned and how useless everything feels. His response? You are absolutely fine. If you were really feeling this way you wouldn't look like you do.

I suppose I could try again.

[chocostashchick]

wow they sound like incompetent morons, to be perfectly honest

hmm this probably isn't actually a good idea, but maybe next time you go in you could look like crap?

actually scrap that, can you see somebody different? file a complaint against them?

i am really really sorry that a bunch of stubborn and ignorant people who are supposed to help you are doing the exact opposite, but don't let them get to you. keep advocating for yourself and somehow you will figure out a way to make this work, or maybe somebody here other than me will think of something really helpful (because i can't seem to think of anything other than showing up looking like a dirty hobo to make them realise that you are really suffering and need help lol)

[chocostashchick]

hey becca just wanted to say hi and check in
i pm'd you earlier - if you ever want to you can pm me or email me

[Stellata]

I still care.

[Lora]

I've only just read this post so Im sorry for the delay in replying.
I want you to know you are not alone, and I know how you feel about putting up barriers, very good ones.
I cant believe the person who read your letter reacted the way they did, they are clearly not a friend, and I'm sorry they reacted the way they did, you are NOT a freak, and the only person that could be called a freak is the person that read your letter for reacting the way they did.
I'm sorry things are not so great for you right now, but know that Im here if you want to talk, always. PM me anytime.
Love Lora xxx

[Becca]

Thank-you all for your support. For some reason this person has continued to react in this way to me they are still going on about me being a freak and don't even care that other people hear them. It's becomming worse than it was when I was assessed in the waiting room of A&E last year and someone who knew me overheard and then had a go at me for a couple of days afterwards - this is much more than a week.

[chocostashchick]

you know what? this person is ignorant and just plain wrong, as well as being really petty and downright mean

you don't need that, and you also have done nothing to deserve it. they aren't acting like a friend right now. maybe you should consider moving forward and just letting them go, because they are only causing you stress right now and you don't need that. it seems like you are making a genuine effort to get better and get some help and you shouldn't have to deal with anybody negative like that right now. i'm sorry that this is happening to you and i hope it gets better soon.

hugs
Callie