Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - flashback HELL...i NEED help.
ok...its too much to handle now.
im having at least one a day or more.
they are debilitating. my body cant handle any more.
yesterday was mine and Kelly's anniversary and i spoiled it.
i prayed and prayed to just let me have that ONE day of peace....but nope.
if the flashbacks are a sign of healing....id like to stop healing now.
ive never been in this much physical pain.
and next month im going to visit Keith to see him play in his spring concert.
i absolutely CANNOT have a flashback in front of him.
im not aware of what is going on in the present when im in one.
Kelly has described to me kinda what happens. she says that i shake and sometimes cry for my mother.
its quite humiliating.
i have my first therapy appt. in a long while on the 18th...my birthday...yuck.
last year i took an OD on my b-day. i hope this year is better.
anyhow im in HELL with these flashbacks.
ive managed to do a bit of house work today.....i just cant leave it all up to Kelly...its unfair.
but god damnit it hurts so bad just moving.
PLEASE if you read this.....give me some hope...anything!!!!!
thank you.
xxxxxxxxx
i have no idea whats triggering them. they just happen out of the blue.
i can be feeling fine and then BANG!!!
its so scary and i stay anxious all the time waiting for the next one.
I understand. My flashbacks don't leave me helpless. The emotions are so strong and so scary! I'm remembering the emotions in the flashbacks now because it wasn't safe to feel the emotions then. I'm still having nightmares too. The only thing that has triggered my flashbacks and memories is starting the work in the workbook for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It has been going on with me since I opened that book in fall 07.
I understand about the housework too. Philip had to do the grocery shopping for weeks. About the only things I was able to do were to clean up after the cat and get to aa meetings.
Too bad that you have a therapy appt. on your birthday.
*fishes some clean tissues out of my pocket and continues to cuddle you*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
rachel i'm so sorry
i hope your anniversary was lovely you and kelly deserve that
don't let it win, though, be strong and don't give the panic attacks a chance to make you anxious because that only gives them more power to make you feel panicked - you are stronger than them and you can beat them
i hope keith is doing well, love
xxxooo
*cuddles* I dont have any advice because i've never had bad flashbacks such as this. I know having an appointment on your birthday may not be something to look forward to, but I think it is great you are going. You should be very proud of yourself. Keep us all updated on how it goes and how you are doing.
Rachel, there's really not much I can say. I don't really know how it feels to go through what you are going through. But I just wanted to know that I'm praying for you and thinking about you every day...reading your posts breaks my heart but I KNOW that this will end. Please hang in there. Kelly loves you and won't hold your pain against you. And it does no good to be afraid of the future, even if you're sure it's going to be hell!! No one has the power to predict that. Keith is going to be so happy that you are at his concert...having a loving family is such a wonderful thing. You've had a very hard life, but you're making it better for someone else! Nothing can get in the way of that. Now, there HAS to be away to help you with these flashbacks. Keep us updated, maybe between you and all of us, we can find a way to reduce their impact on your body and life. I hope so!
*snuggles*
Much love,
D'Arcy
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae.
Lambchop, LadyMacbeth, Butterfly525, and Moonchild are my sisters. Ruffle is my daughter. That Faery Kid is my kitty!
Rachel honey, Im so sorry things are bad right now, I can only imagine how you feel, and I wish there was more I could do.
*holds you tight and cuddles you*
Take care,
Love Lora xx
I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this Dead and Eternal snow.
And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there, and lie to me and tell me it’s gonna be Alright.
- Conor Oberst
There is nothing worse than flashbacks! Am really glad that you're going to see someone and start working through the process! Believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel! Let us know how you get on!
