Triggering (SI/Abuse) - Help me figure this out please.
I have to cut. I have to cut it all out right now. And I have to get out of here, I would go right now if I was stupid enough to think I had anywhere to go but I don't. I am so fucking buggared. I need to leave. This week, I am getting out if it kills me. If I have to sleep on a bench in a park in the middle of town I will do it. I can't not go to work so I have to think this one through.
Ok I have done something wrong. I am turning into him. I just wanna smash the fucking wankers face in. He is ruining my life, the last two weeks have been perfect. I come home and look what happens. This place, them, they just mae me a worse person.
I may be an adult now in the eyes of the law but he is still my father and the way he treats me, it's not right. I don't feel 19 I feel about 9 the way he talks to me the way he acts towards me. Mum isn't any better.
Honestly. When I am away from home I am calm and happy and I swear the last two weeks I only thought about cutting once. Which in two weeks is good,. And I didn't do it. I got home Friday and all I have wanted to do since then is cut. I've screamed the house down twice. I've cried almost constantly. I've resorted to violence when I sore I would never be like my dad, I've pushed him twice and wanted to punch him so hard I thought I was going to explode if I didn't. I didn't punch him though. I did slam my door in his face when he was coming after me though. Hope I broke his fucking nose.
I hate this. I hate me. I hate mum and I hate dad but most of all I hate me.
I don't like walking anywhere, even if its just 2 minutes away if I haven't got a phone on me, I am a bit paranoid like that. I need to be able to contact anyone whenever I want or need to. I asked mum to go to the shop for me and she refused and told me I was being lazy and pathetic. One - I am shattered from being at work all week and now being at home it's draining all my energy and I honestly don't think I would even make it to the shop and back. And two - I had my phone nicked from the bus yesterday...and I honestly feel so bad about the idea of going to the shop without a phone. I tried explaining it to her and she told me to grow up. I can't help it though.
^^ that is what started the latest arguement. Causing dad to tell me to get out of the house and threatening me with some kind of court order to get me away from the house.
I want to, need to cut so badly, maybe take a few pills. If i had my phone I would maybe get some form of drugs just to numb the pain a bit - but I don't. I could drink I suppose.
God, what happened to me? Everything was starting to go so well.
You don't have to cut. Trust me, you do not have to. You may feel like it, but really - what is it going to solve? It sounds like you're in a really bad sitaution right now, and causing yourself even more plain isn't going to solve anything. I'm so sorry that things are so hard for you at the moment. I don't really know what to say, except that you don't deserve to be treated like that. Is there a friend or relative you could stay with?
Hang in there. You need to keep yourself from cutting. These are the times where we test ourselves to see if our hard work to fight against the urge to harm is paying off. You are under alot of pressure, and you are struggling I am sure, but if you can get through this then you will be stronger for it. You will be able to prove to yourself that despite being in such a negative environment, and despite having a family that you dont think appreciates you, you will still have resisted the urge to self harm, and if you can be able to say that, then you have won yourself a victory.
It doesnt matter what is going on in your life right now, what does matter is the way that you choose to let it affect you. Dont let this bring you down and erase all the hard work you have been putting in. You owe it to yourself to stay strong and to fight against the urge. Noone said it was going to be easy, but the fight is well worth it.
"Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity."
"Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule."
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
Honey, I'm so sorry that this is happening! I wish there was more that I could do for you.
You should not hate yourself! You're under a huge amount of stress. I really don't know how to explain this, so please bear with me. You're around a person who makes you feel like a child again- a person who you have every reason to hate. Especially if this has gone on for a while, it eventually would be too much for you to handle. I'm sure you're a kind person; you're probably just in a situation that is more than you can deal with right now. This is just one aspect of yourself- and it's one that can be dealt with- it is NO reason to hate yourself! Also, the fact that you are struggling with it is not a shortcoming of your own. Everyone is affected by everything in different ways and to different extents. It's perfectly okay. Are you in therapy? In time, that could help you to find positive ways to deal with these things.
I understand what you mean about feeling nine instead of nineteen when you're around your dad; I feel the exact same way around my parents. It's perfectly understandable that you are struggling with it. Is there anywhere relaxing that you can stay during the day? I found that it helps to stay out of the house as much as possible. I don't know when or how much you work, but if there's maybe a bookstore or a coffee shop still open when you're free, that may be a good place to rest.
As for your phone, I'm really sorry that you lost it! I don't know what to tell you, other than, once again, if you're not already in therapy, maybe a therapist could help you get used to leaving without a phone? I know that wouldn't solve anything immediately, but in the long run it could help.
I'm here if you ever want to talk about anything. You can PM me anytime! *cuddles*
The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigger?
I won't be on RYL much right now because I'm REALLY triggered, but I'm safe... so don't worry...
im sorry youre in so much pain right now.
you said youre calm and happy when youre not at home so maybe you just need to get out of the house for a little while. maybe you could stay with friends or a relative or something. it doesnt seem like being at home is helping you.
try and stay safe
x x x
I don't really know what to say, except that you don't deserve to be treated like that. Is there a friend or relative you could stay with?
I'm fairly sure I must've done something to deserve it. And no, not really. There is only one place I would go but the house is a bit full at the minute. I wouldn't even ask.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butchers
Hang in there. You need to keep yourself from cutting. These are the times where we test ourselves to see if our hard work to fight against the urge to harm is paying off. You are under alot of pressure, and you are struggling I am sure, but if you can get through this then you will be stronger for it. Dont let this bring you down and erase all the hard work you have been putting in. You owe it to yourself to stay strong and to fight against the urge. Noone said it was going to be easy, but the fight is well worth it.
I'm trying, really really trying. I haven't cut yet. Though it is like I know it is coming, and there isn't anything I can do about it. However much I fight right now, it will still happen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by _Cadence_
Are you in therapy?
I understand what you mean about feeling nine instead of nineteen when you're around your dad; I feel the exact same way around my parents. It's perfectly understandable that you are struggling with it. Is there anywhere relaxing that you can stay during the day? I found that it helps to stay out of the house as much as possible. I don't know when or how much you work, but if there's maybe a bookstore or a coffee shop still open when you're free, that may be a good place to rest.
I'm here if you ever want to talk about anything. You can PM me anytime! *cuddles*
No, not in therapy, tried it once, but I just don't love the idea. I will have a new phone by the end of the week I'm sure. I wasn't really attached to it, it was new. I just hate being without a phone. I'm stupidly paranoid. Anything could happen while you are walking down the street there days, you could be walking next door and something could happen.
I work quite a lot. I spend a fair amount of time away from home anyway. I just, need to be on my own at the weekends or when I get home from work. As soon as I can I am out of here. I can't even stand their voices through the walls, it puts me on edge and makes me want to scream.
There's not really anywhere other than pubs open by the time I finish work. Nice idea though. I might spend more time in coffee shops at weekends from now on. Thanks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by perfection is a flaw
im sorry youre in so much pain right now.
you said youre calm and happy when youre not at home so maybe you just need to get out of the house for a little while. maybe you could stay with friends or a relative or something. it doesnt seem like being at home is helping you.
try and stay safe
x x x
I don't have anywhere to go that's close enough for me to still work. Actually. I don't have anywhere to go full stop. I wish I did. Believe me I know that being around them is what is stopping me from moving on with life, moving on from cutting, moving on from my crappy childhood and my terrible teens. I just can't afford to move out right now, I can't really go living on a bench, much as the idea appealed to me earlier. I am just stuck here.
Thanks everyone, very much, it means loads that you replied to me. And I think it's helped a bit.
I am alot calmer right at this second. Not fabulously calm but calmer. I still want to cut. Very much so. I also want to cry and sleep for a really long time.
Wierdly, I kind of wanna go to work. Bring on tuesday.
Someone jsut tell me why can't things go right without ten million things going wrong and ruining it?
What if something happened while I was out there? The idea is actually pretty bloody terrifying. Especially where I live.
I am with the bath idea though. I will do that at some point in the next hour. I will take my mp3 player in with me. No it isn't waterproof.
Kaya, I am trying, I really am. I wish I could promise you, and everyone, and myself, that I won't do it but, oh, I haven't had to fight this hard for such a long time. It hurts more to fight it than to give in.
I'm sorry.
I gave in this morning. I fought all night. I slept a little.
I cut. Not bad, pretty pathetically. I want to cut more, deeper. I'm SO angry at everything, angry at myself, angry at the world...I just rang up to try and cancel my contract...ANGRY. £500+ if I cancel it now. Not a friggin chance. Why should I pay that if I don't have a phone? I don't HAVE £500+, that's why I need to cancel the contract. I can't afford to pay for a phone that I am not using. FUCK SAKES. *screams*
I'm gonna do it again. I have to. It wasn't deep enough, not enough blood, not enough, I am so stupid, so pathetic. I'm just, I wish I could cry right now.
Its ok to be angry. However cutting isn't the only way to cope with anger. There are other things you can do. Yell. Stamp around. Tear up a load of old paper. Have a good scream. Getting a Word document up and just typing random letters all over the screen is also very therapeutic. It really helped me once. Try it! It might surprise you!
I hear how there might be some sadness beneath your anger. Anger can block tears. Expressing the anger safely might help you to cry.
I don't even know anymore. I can't begin to explain anything. I wish I could talk about it but I can't anymore. I haven't got a clue where my head is, or anything about anything. I don't think anyone even gives a shit, if I didn't turn up to meet my friend this morning, she wouldn't notice. If I didn't turn up for work tomorrow, nobody would notice. I just, may as well curl up and die.
If you curled up and died people would notice- people in real life and on RYL. We want you here! We're here for you when you can or want to talk again. We'll listen. Until then, *massive hugs*
The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigger?
I won't be on RYL much right now because I'm REALLY triggered, but I'm safe... so don't worry...
We would miss you because you are AMAZING, UNIQUE, and PRECIOUS! I know you can't see it right now, but please trust me when we say it's true! I promise it's the truth. I and the rest of RYL care about you so much. We'd be devastated if we lost you! I honestly don't know that I could handle it right now. And I haven't even talked to you that much. It would destroy your family and friends. I know it's almost impossible to see that right now, but it would. Please hold on for yourself. We're here to help you get through this.
Take care. *holds you*
The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigger?
I won't be on RYL much right now because I'm REALLY triggered, but I'm safe... so don't worry...
