Triggering (Suicide) - really struggling and not coping tonight
Im so sorry that im here looking for some kind of support when I have stayed away and not given anything back but right now i have no where else to turn and im just finding life so hard tonight.
Ive been having councilling and working through some stuff which means that im evalutaing everything even more than i usually do. Tonight i met up with some friends i hardly ever see and afterwards on the way home im in floods of tears.... so much i cant really see the road and should really have pulled over. My frinedships seem superficial and awkward. I just feel so inadequate and pathetic and crappy about myself.
I get in and the first thing I see is that my alcoholic hubby has been drinking (he says two pints but i know from his face that he's had way more than that). Im so angry as he did get his 2 month sober token but since then this is his 3rd slip in less than that many weeks... i trusted him to be responsible and take care of our daughter. he's brushing it off like its nothing but what if something had been wrong... he's in no fit state to be looking after her on his own... even if she is asleep...
I rarely go out... i mean really rarely... in fact its the first time in her life Ive ever gone out before she is in bed and gone that far away. I left the most precious thing to me in his care and he drank.
I cant trust him and i dont want to be in thias endless cycle of distrust coz you can bet it means i dont have any respect for him and how can i be with someone like this.
All i wanted tonight when i got in was a cuddle coz I was feeling so low and i even phoned ahead to say I wanted a cuddle coz I sure as hell wouldnt have got one otherwise. Instead i come in and he's drunk and im feeling even worse than I was.
there's no one here for me. I dont have friendships which are close enough to really open up to... i dont have that closeness in any relationships in my life. I try on occassion by putting feelers out or sharing a little but but i really just dont have those kind of relationships with people in reality.
the one person I used to share that with has gone from me into this "teenage", alcholic, self-absorbed persona and I just wanted someone to be there for me for once.........
why is that too much for me to ask???
just one person.... id just like to have that kind of trust and closeness with one person... who wouldnt judge me and just be there for me too...
why do i have to be so alone and self-sufficient??
I'm really sorry you are struggling so much. I can understand why you are upset by your husbands drinking. I dont really know what I can say to make you feel better but you certainly dont deserve what is happening. I'm here if you want to chat. *more hugs*
I can only imagine how you feel and I really dont know how to advise you in your situation. Just know that people are paying attention and you are not alone. I truly wish you the best of luck. xxx
If the only true wisdom lies in knowing that you know nothing, then I must be a f***ing genius
Maybe I've asked this before? Are there any Al-Anon meetings near you? Those are for the friends and family members of alcoholics. You'll probably hear things you identify with and those people will be able to help you.
I'm sorry that your husband drank. You know this, that alcoholism is a deadly disease, that it is cunning, baffling, powerful and patient.
If you ever want to talk to an alcoholic in recovery - we are never recovered we never graduate - feel free to PM me. Please let me know if there is anyway I can help.
*shoves some tissues in her pocket and gives you a cherishing hug*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
i looked at local al-anon meetings but the one thats closest happens to be the same night I work late. the others are all easily 25min+ drive away.
How can I leave my daughter in his care to go to a meeting when I can't trust him???
when i got in bed last night i reminded myself that he is "ill" to get some clarity of thought. It helped with my anger towards him but I just felt even more despondent in reference to my own feelings as it feels like I cant expect him to be there for me at all for a long time....
Take your daughter. I think most people will understand, so long as she is not noisy or disruptive. You need help and they understand what it is like to be close to an alcoholic better than anyone else will.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Sweetheart, have you talked to anyone professional. Your little girl needs you. Honest to god, she needs you. Use that as reason to get help. Then tell your husband that he needs to get himself help. Talk to your manager about changing your shift the night you work late and drag him to aa. Getting yourselves both as emotionally stable as possible is so important. The road to recovery is a long, rocky one, but it's not an impossible journey. Thinking of you, from one mum to another, remember who your child needs.
