Over the past yearish things have gone from bad to worse to even worse. I used to be able to cope with things by myself. I've never really needed much in the way of support cos I just needed myself. Now that's all changed. I don't go through a day without crying. The ED I managed to get over has came back with a vengeance. The cutting and scratching is becoming more and more common. My legs are the worst bit of my body and now they're even worse since they've been covered in cuts and scratches. My friends notice that I don't eat, they tell me how thin I am but I'm not at all. They must notice the red scratch marks up my arms too. They tell me to cheer up, but it's not that easy.
Uni is falling apart. This time last year I was getting straight As/firsts, now I'm lucky to pass. I try so hard to do the work but end up sitting staring at the screen or the book and just curling up and crying. I have had to leave lectures and labs so I can go cry. My friends don't know how to help me, or don't care, I don't know.
There's so much other stuff going on and I can't cope. My head is so messed up.
I understand how bad you feel, although I'm not someone who cries easily. It is so hard to concentrate when you're overwhelmed. I lived at home when I went to university. One term, things were horrible at home. One of my professors walked me step by step through part of a final exam.
My friends don't see my marks, they're under the sleeves of my shirt. I have to tape down my shirt sleeve one afternoon a week when I teach. But my friends know they're there.
My ED is the opposite of yours. I weigh 150% of what I should. Right now I'm in withdrawl from chocolate ice cream. Something has to change, i'm tired of being out of breath when I climb the stairs to my second level condo (flat in UK English).
Is there a counselor or doctor you can talk to?
*gives you a cherishing hug*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
I'm not someone who cries easily either. At least I was. Before last March I hasn't cried since I was seven years old. I was eighteen when I cried again. I was so proud of that, proud that I didn't need to cry. So it just makes it worse that I can't get through a day without it now.
I'm living at home. I think this is part of my problem. My parents hate (or at least really dislike me) and they make it known. Unfortunately I cannot afford to move out, so just gotta suffer it.
I'm incredibly unfit. I can hardly climb a flight of stairs without being out of breath. But I'm scared to go to the gym. Last time I started exercise it became a bit of an obsession and when that is coupled with not eating, well, it's not good.
I did have a counsellor but I didn't think it helped so I stopped it. I didn't see the point in crying at someone who wasn't telling me anything I hadn't heard before and didn't understand how I was feeling. Maybe I should give it another chance with a different person, but I don't think I can put myself through the whole process again. As for doctors, I detest them. I don't trust them or the people who work there.
*hugs*. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. Can you get a student loan or a grant so you could move out if that would make things a bit easier. I would recommend seeing a counsellor of some kind. Just because you have had a non-positive experience with one person doesnt mean you will have one again. Can your lecturers help you with teh work you are struggling with. Try studying by yourself in little bits, maybe even 15 mins at a time. Then have a 5 min break to go to the bathroom or get a drink or pat the dog or something. You say your friends know whats going on. CAn any of them give you any support in lectures and just be someone to chat to? I really hope things improve for you. *more hugs*
If I was to move out even with a student loan and a job things would be veeeeery tight. It would also mean me not being able to go on holiday with a friend, and that's what is keeping me going.
I don't trust easily and just really don't see the point in counsellors. My two best friends (who sadly live on the other side of the country) are better. Not only can they empathise, they let me cry and hold me and don't make me feel stupid and pathetic. I makes me feel terrible that I go see them and basically the whole time is spent focussed around me. They they it doesn't matter, they don't mind, they'll do anything to make me happy, but it's not fair on them.
I was considering dropping out of uni for this year and then repeating the year. But with the end of the year being so close I really don't want to. And it'd mean not getting to go on a field trip with all my friends. And repeating would mean I'd not know anyone in the class and second years aren't the most welcoming of groups, everyone has their little groups of friends and don't need anyone else.
As for revision, if I manage to do any at all it's something ridiculous like 5 mins at a time and then a 15 min break. Not the most productive of ways, but better than nothing. Most of the time I can't even do that though.
My friends don't understand really. And I moan and whinge at them enough. It's basically a constant thing, and that's not fair on them. If only my best friend lived closer *cries*
I really think you should give councelling another shot. I know a lot of people that try it once and give up, because of one reason or another, and all the people I know that have given up once and tried again have found it more usefull the second [or even third or fourth time]. It is a slow process, but it's worth it. And, unfortunatly, it is hard to find a good councellor. But when you do find one, you'll be able to work with them and they will be able to show you things you couldn't see yourself. Also, there are lots of different councelling methods [e.g. CBT, light therapy, etc] and you can try one thing that won't work and the next thing will work wonders. The best investment you can ever make is in your future and getting professional help is one of the best steps to doing that.
As for Uni, if you're determined to see the end of the year out, can you talk to your tutor/a lecturer you get on with and ask if you can re-do the year depending on your results? I'm in my first year, and that's what I'm doing due to suffering from bad headaches/mental health problems that have affected my work. If that's a possibility, and you decide to do it, it will also take a bit of the pressure off you and the less stress you have the better you will work.
As for doing your actual work, 5 minutes on and 15 minutes off is better than doing nothing, and you can gradually step it up to doing 10 on 10 off, then 15 on 10 off etc. If you have a set piece of work to do, make sure you reward yourself when you have completed a set amount - I work with a friend and when we've done half hours work we go to one of our kitchens and have a cup of tea and a natter for 5 minutes.
I really think you should give councelling another shot. I know a lot of people that try it once and give up, because of one reason or another, and all the people I know that have given up once and tried again have found it more usefull the second [or even third or fourth time]. It is a slow process, but it's worth it. And, unfortunatly, it is hard to find a good councellor. But when you do find one, you'll be able to work with them and they will be able to show you things you couldn't see yourself. Also, there are lots of different councelling methods [e.g. CBT, light therapy, etc] and you can try one thing that won't work and the next thing will work wonders. The best investment you can ever make is in your future and getting professional help is one of the best steps to doing that.
Thanks, I have thought about giving it another shot. I felt so guilty telling my friend (who had begged me for months about seeing someone) that I'd quit. I know that I need help and that my friends just can't quite do it. How do I go about finding other counsellors though?
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As for Uni, if you're determined to see the end of the year out, can you talk to your tutor/a lecturer you get on with and ask if you can re-do the year depending on your results? I'm in my first year, and that's what I'm doing due to suffering from bad headaches/mental health problems that have affected my work. If that's a possibility, and you decide to do it, it will also take a bit of the pressure off you and the less stress you have the better you will work.
Just before the exams which started right after the Christmas break, I went to see a tutor and told him how much I was struggling, how uni wasn't top priority and how I couldn't last a day without crying, etc. He seemed pretty understanding, and did say that I could leave then if I wanted to and then restart the year in September. I was seriously considering, filled out all the forms too, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it for various reasons. I probably will be allowed to resit the year based on exam results. To get in to Honours in my subject I need to fulfill a list of criteria. So far I should be OK. My good grades from last year should allow me to carry some awful ones this year.
