Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Stitches and the health centers reaction

[~*forever_broken*~]

Here's the story:

I cut myself deeply before I went to work yesterday (after 20 days SI free… or 20 days of pure torture, whichever way you want to look at it). While I was at work I called the campus health center to see if they had an appointment so I could get it stitched (I've had several before that were at least this deep but I just butterflied them... decided to get this one stitched because of the way the others scared). They didn't but told me to come in after work to have it looked at. So I did.

FIRST one of the nurses called me back to look at it and see if it really did need stitched... it did (duh) so she sent me back out to wait... Then she called me back and brought in a Dr I had seen before for another cut (that one didn't need stitched)... he looked at it and decided it needed stitched and then he left...

Long story short I wound up with a different nurse and a different Dr than I started with... the nurse was the only one who was friendly (though to give them a bit of a break they were busy and I didn't have an appointment). The Dr was the guy I saw for a cut I was worried about last spring (the one who started me along on my journey of counseling and medication). He too informed me it needed stitched (once again, duh). At some point (before he stitched me up) the following conversation took place (sorry, it was just fun to write )

Dr: Are you seeing one of the counselors here?
Me: Yes’sir
Dr: Who are you seeing?
Me: Why?
Dr: (a bit of stuttering here, like he couldn’t believe I was asking) Because you need to be seen.
Me: Well I’m seeing him on Friday.
Dr: This happened today?
Me: Yes I did this today.
Dr: Then you need to be seen today.
Me: *sigh* I see Adam

So he stitched me up (made me lay down so he could stitch up a cut on my arm… how much sense does that make?) and then left me to wait to be cleaned up and then fetched by someone from the counseling center. My counselor didn't keep me more than 10-15 min. He asked me (at one point) if the cut (which he hadn’t seen) had been a suicide attempt... I laughed and told him that if it had been then I was the stupidest person in the world and shouldn't even be attempting suicide as I obviously don't know how do to it correctly (I had cut on my fore arm, not my wrist). The most distressing part of talking with him (it really wasn't that bad otherwise) was that at one point he said something about my not needing to go to a psychiatric unit... which means that it was a possibility!!! Good lord, give me a break I mean, I suppose it’s always a possibility in situations such as this but still…
And what's worse... I just felt awful afterward... so humiliated. I felt totally vulnerable laying there while everyone thought god knows what (since no one, save for one nurse who was actually friendly, really talked to me much)… I didn’t want to lay down to begin with (I asked if he was joking, poor man)… it just felt so … well…vulnerable. Made me want to go home and cut again… a lot. Or worse, but I was saved from that since I told my counselor I’d be safe (in other words ‘No, I’m not going to go home and try and kill myself so you don’t have to worry about sending me to a psych ward)…

Sorry, long story… just feeling like talking I guess.

And... I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't be better if I did kill myself... damn connections

[Seraphsigh]

UGH!! I hate to hear **** like that. You poor thing, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that! I took one of my friends in to the ER once for something completely different, but the stupid doctor asked her rudely about why she was "slashing herself" and obviously misunderstood all of it. Seriously, you'd think that trained medical professionals would know SOMETHING about cutting. Well, I'm glad you got yourself stitched at least. No killing yourself allowed. It sucks that you have to feel like that.
I hope you feel better soon, and keep the faith...tomorrow's a new day and the perfect time to start over.
*hugs*
xoxoxoxoxox

D'Arcy

[Lora]

Aw hun, that sounds awful, but i honestly know how you feel, about 9 months ago, I wa in and out of A&E for stitches almost on a weekly basis, and I hated it, you really would think nurses and doctors would have some form of understanding and not be so damn rude. Well the mental health nurse I saw just told me I dont fit the profile for self harm - oh right, cheers I guess I must be ok then! Grrr
Anyway, hun, I know how you feel, and I know how hard it is, and how vulnerable it can make you feel, youre no alone
Im here if you ever want to talk
Love Lora xx

[dark_light]

I'm sorry you had such a crappy experience. I've had similar and it just made me want to cut all over again which is so not what the professionals should be aiming for. I think all a&e staff and gps should have self harm training. It would save so many people so much pain and make it easier to ask for help.
Well done for 20 days, thats amazing, i just managed 3 and it was hell. Hold on to that and keep going.
*hugs*

[~*forever_broken*~]

Thanks all... Doing a bit better with it all... Then again, I cut a good handful of times last night... and I think I'm a bit dissociated

Talked it over a bit with my counselor today and I think that was helpful, to look back at the experience and talk it out...

Thanks again, sorry I haven't been that supportive recently... not good for much other than wasting oxygen

[Mouse81]

You know, they really shouldn't ask what it is or how you did it. I can understand if it's a suicide attempt that needs to be addressed but you said yours obviously wasn't. Maybe I'm wrong about this. I've always dreaded the day the doctor says "what are those?"

[Kangaroo]

*hugs*. At least you have your counsellor to talk to. Try and hang in there.