Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Help i need to cut *also OD*

[dark_light]

I really really need to cut so badly, its all i can think about. But can't because i am in hospital on locked ward and they won't let me off the ward on my own. I had three blades when i came in but each time i cut myself they took the blade so i have none left now.
I ended up in here because my self harm was getting out of control and i was planning on taking an od and now i feel so trapped that i wish i had done that before they got to me. How can you just stop cutting? without even planning to? I feel so desperate. I keep having flashbacks that i just can't deal with without SI.
Feel like ripping out the stitches from the other day as its my only option.
God i need to cut so bad, i should be able to deal with this by now.
Sorry for ranting, just really need some help.

[Kija]

i'm sorry i dont really have any advice for you, except i understand about being forced to stop. though mine wasnt any way as inforced as yours. so sorry no advice from me, just a big hug. you can get through this, my thoughts are with you.
xxx

[Seraphsigh]

Take care, sweetie, you can get through this. I wish there was some good advice I had for you, but alas, I have nothing good to offer. I'm thinking about you, and if you can give us updates, please do.
xoxoxoxoxo

[dark_light]

They give me medication when i get so stressed and can't stop thinking about cutting, but i feel like its not the same and also its just replacing one addictive thing with another.
I can talk to the nurses if i want but i actually can't talk about the stuff going on in my head. I can't say the words. I'm having really bad flashbacks but i can't talk about them. I just end up crying and they can't understand a word i'm saying anyway. Just really need to cut.
Sorry this is waffling

[Rain Keeper]

How did you end upon a locked ward with blades??? Not very good security eh?

Try writing out how you feel, or print this out. It has to be hard not to be able to communicate, but that is part of the program. Tell them you want to cut, or rip out the stitches. . they will ask why. Because that is how you deal with the stress and mental "voice and images". draw it out. even if you arent the best artist. Colors and drawing can relieve some of the violent ideas

[dark_light]

I took them in with me and they didn't find them when they searched my stuff, they really are crap at knowing where someone would hide blades.
I last cut on sunday and its been contsantly on my mind. I only have escorted leave from the ward but the person escorting me today dropped me off outside so i went to the shop and bought more razors.
I cut again, badly and it was like the biggest relief ever. I'm waiting for a&e to call me over to have stitches now. The staff aren't very impressed with me. I probably won't be allowed off at all now. They searched my room and took all the razors but i still have one hidden, i really want to do it again now but its the only one i have so i have to save it.
God i think i'm going mad.

[dark_light]

I can't do this any more
If was at home would be the end
how can i do this in this stupid hospital all i have is a razor but i don't think it will do it
can't do another day

[jassmine]

Jo

Hon please talk to me you know I will help if I can but please talk to me

[ashleighbean]

please try to push through this you dont need the baldes, please just talk to anyone and PM me if you need me. i am here for you. i dont want to see anything happen to you. xxx

[dark_light]

Thank you so much for replying. I did cut but the nurses came and found me before i did too much damage, which i guess is a good thing. I'm trying to tell myself that anyway.
I don't have any blades now and am really trying not to SI, managed not to since saturday, its so hard. If anyone can help with what to do when i feel like i need to but can't because i have nothing to hurt myself with i would really appreciate it :)