My dr and therapist have been making me keep a food journal of everything I eat/drink.... and I just feel like it's making things worse, and so I don't know if I should just start lying in it, or if I should tell them it's making things worse (tho they'll probably just insist I keep with it anyway) or if I should just stop.
The past week I've been eating somewhat more "normally"... eating about once a day, getting about 200 cals a day, compared to under 200 a week... but seeing that on paper, makes me even more self-conscious, makes me feel like a pig... and the past two days have been horrible... I've been at this training conference for a surfing ministry I'm on leadership with, and I've been forced to eat there- I knew I would, so a couple days ago I called my therapist, I was just really scared and didn't want to go only cuz I knew I'd be forced to eat, and my therapist said she wanted me to aim for 400 cals the day I talked to her (which I did get... she at first said something ridiculously high, but we bargained for a bit and agreed on the 400 eventually). And today I don't even know how many I ate, I feel so fat, I had a whole turkey sandwhich AND a cookie (only cuz a pro surfer that I really really really look up to and got to meet today was there and got me to eat that much and to be honest he could have gotten me to do just about anything). But it seems like seeing this all in writing, when I already obsessively keep track of things in my head anyway, just seems to be making me WORSE, not better... I'm just trying to push myself to exercise more and eat less, and I don't see how writing it down is helping any.
My therapist also wants me to talk to my psychiatrist when I go back in a couple weeks, right now I'm only on concerta, and xanax as needed, I was supposed to be taking celexa to manage the really bad anxiety I've had lately, but she wanted me to only take the celexa at bedtime, not in the morning with the concerta, but my problem is by bedtime I can't remember to take something- half the time I have a hard enough time remembering to take the concerta (it's ironic really, you need to take the medicine so that you can remember to take the medicine!), so I've given up on the celexa... and I don't want to tell the psychiatrist about the eating, she'll just put me on something that will stimulate my appetite, that I'll probably end up not taking anyway... and I hate that my therapist is pushing me so hard to go on more medicine, when I'm really not comfortable being on even just the concerta, and that it's evident how it helps me, but I just have a lot of self-confidence issues when it comes to being dependent on taking medicine like that, and I'm finally almost accepting having to take the concerta for the rest of my life, I'm finally just starting to be okay with that, and maybe I do need to be on more meds and maybe it would be a good thing, and it's something I'd maybe be open to in the future, but not right now, not when there's so much else to deal with.
I will definitely echo what these two lovelies above me have said... You have to tell them how it's making you feel. Their job is to make you worry less about food, not more, and they must understand as professionals that not every approach suits every person. If they're doing it to keep track of what you eat, you could make a bargain with them that you will be honest and tell them if they need to know (because, let's face it, you could easily lie in a diary). I personally don't think that meal plans or food diaries or any of that guff works, because they encourage you to think about food the whole time...
(As an aside (sorry for thread jacking), is it just me, or does most eating disorder treatment seem totally retarded to anyone else?)
200 a day is very very little, and you know that, and I know it's probably futile that I ask this, but please try and eat a little more.
Why was it that the surfer was able to get you to eat? How did he make you feel for you to be able to do that? That seems to me to be a very important thing... for some reason, he worked like a reverse trigger... I don't really know the significance of that, but it could be a step towards recovery. Maybe mention it to your therapist?
About the meds... if you don't feel comfortable taking them you have to weigh up whether you can cope alone or not... Have you talked to your therapist about how you feel with regards to pills and stuff? I don't think it's fair of them to push you into something you aren't sure about.
Thanks for the replies... I'll try to tell my therapist tomorrow that I don't wanna do the journal any more, and explain why, and hopefully she'll have a better idea... I was doing okay when they were making me tell them what I ate every week, I'd be honest with that, and eating 200 cals a day seemed less threatening when it wasn't written down... written down, I just look at that and am afraid to get on the scale because I know with eating so much this past week, I must have gained at least 15 pounds.
With the surfer getting me to eat... honestly, he could have told me to eat a whole tub of butter and I probably would have done it... he is just SO amazing, I wish I could surf even half as good as him, but the really cool thing about him is he is so caring and modest and down to earth, and he's in great shape and idk... it seemed okay, he was eating way more than I was at least, and he asked real nicely to get me to eat but didn't force it on me, and it just seemed like the least I could do, he was so nice about spending time with me and everything, and just even meeting him- heck, not even talking to him but even just being able to say I was surfing at the same beach at the same time as him was just this huge dream of mine, because I just really admire everything he does and how down to earth and friendly he is, and he said if I could finish the whole sandwhich he'd take me out one on one and even let me try out his really awsome board and man... that just meant the world to me, that someone, ANYONE would want to spend time with me and be that nice to me, and it just meant even more with him being who he is.
