Wow, where to begin, i don't know, i may as well start.
I turn 18 in 3 days time, who really cares? It's just another year towards the end of my (So far, shitty) life, honestly, it's not one of these blind "No one cares about me" kind of claims, my parents, litterally don't. They haven't even mentioned it to me, but i'm over that, i'm not really bothered anymore.
Then there's work, a mental drain, so many horrible, horrible people working there that must get some satisfaction out of making someones life at work, a misery, who knows, this got to me big style, it forced me to start cutting from once every 4 days, to once a day, and now, i'm coming on 5-6 a day.
When can it end? I can't go on cutting myself 6 times a day for the rest of my life, i'l have no skin left.
The best part is, this is the real kicker, thinking back to my earlier teens, i used to self harm, unaware, say punching walls, scratching myself, and even burning myself, not thinking anything of it, i wasn't unhappy back then, so why did i self harm?
It's as if it's destined to just keep going down a steep bloody hill.
I'm certainly not a suicidal person, but man, death is looking better and better by the day, i KNOW there has to be a point where i have to say RIGHT, this is the end. But if i do stop it, what will be my coping mechanism?? I've tryed to stop with rubber bands, ice, red markers, it just doesn't even begin to work, hell, cutting is starting to just numb out now, i don't know what i'l do when that is ineffective.
There is litterally no support.
Want to hear the real kick up the backside? BOTH my parents work in St Georges Mental Hospital.
"Speak to them, they will understand, they work with mentally ill people daily" - Last time i was caught self harming, back as a teen, i think i scratched myself with a bit of glass just to "See what would happen" - Back in the day when i self harmed without even knowing, and what happened when the school saw my arm? They rang my mam, i got shouted at down the phone, telling me my "pocket money was stopped, i was grounded, and i'm in for serious trouble when i get home" When i got home, i got a beating, how lovley?
I can't sleep, i get around 3 hours sleep a day now, i feel like each day is a nuisance, something i want to get rid of, what i'm worried about is, maybe, me being "Not suicidal" is like me being unaware of self harm those years ago. I don't want to wake up one morning and just think "I'm doing this"
I don't even know why i'm posting this, i know it will get support filled replies, but i doubt any of them will help me, it's great knowing people care, which i know they do, but i really don't know what i'm going to do.
I'm sorry for wasting everyones time, you don't even need to leave a reply. I'l understand.
On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
Hey now, come on. You never have to apologize for asking for support with us. EVER.
Babe, I know your just going to disregard this but I feel better knowing I gave you my advice. I think you should get help. Not from your parents, from someone completly unassociated with your parents. I know it will be hard to get help, and I know from reading your thread about the doctor thing that for you especially it will be hard. But whats harder feeling like this or building up the courage to get the help you need, because you desperatly need it. Thats what I think, I know you may not agree but i'm almost certain you will when you start recovering.
Also about the self-harming when you were younger. I know exactly how that is. From a very young age as long as I can remeber I would slap, dig my fingers into my leg and chew my mouth to peices when I got yelled at or made a mistake, anything that caused frustration. My theory is that some people really have no other way of getting that emotion out, so from a young age they learn to deal with pain.
I'm sorry that your feeling like this and thinking of suicide. I know you don't want to commit suicide which is a very good thing, but like you said you may wake up one morning and think screw it, which is also why you need to try and stop before it starts.
PM me whenever you need anything, I'm not just saying that. i really want to help you out. I hope you feel better soon.
I'm always here for you.
<333
I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I understand, and that I was like that too when I was a kid. I agree with Funds, you should definately get help from someone who has nothing to do with your parents. Even though they work with people like you, they may be blind to it in their own child--or at least they want very badly to be.
I really hope you start feeling better, and please try and bring the cutting down a bit... I know you can do it. :)
Man you write it down alot better than I usually do. I feel the same. Didn't even realize I'd been self harming since I was a kid. I'm not much help just..can relate.
You're at a big transition, 18. Its a big stage to get through. But sometimes it feels like the 'hurdle' is just a formality really, it doesn't change an awful lot.
It sounds like work is a big stress for you right now. Job satisfaction is important for your health. For anyone's health. What would you feel about looking for a job that you might enjoy?
Thanks for the messages, i would look for another job, but my contract at my work of place is over in 5 month, and i need the refferences to get another job (First job, have to break the cycle of: You need experience to get a job, you need a job to get experience)
There is nowhere around here to get help at, my GP wouldn't know what the hell i was talking about, and probably prescribe antibiotics lol. Im sorry about the thread, i'm just feeling really strange latley.
On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
Hey mate sorry things are so tough *hugs* Im in some pain right now which make sit hard to focus but just wanted to say I read and care. why not go to your gp, and try to make your gp understand try to oraganise some help/support? If you find it hard to talk to your gp, I find that its useful to write everything down in a letter and give it to them.
Try and see if you have any self harm support groups/charities in your area that could help you?
As for your parents, they may deal with mentally ill people, but you are there child they dont want you to be in any sort of pain, and intentionally ionflicting pain may scare them. Its easier to pretend that there aren't any serious problems. take care mate
hey sorry you're feeling so bad. I just wanted you to know i totally understand what you said about self harming when you were younger, i did too but i didnt realise it was anything.
Sorry i dont have any advice atm, but i understand and am happy to talk if you want to anytime xxx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
Thanks, i really want help, but getting it is easier said then done, i feel as if talking to my current GP would be a seriously bad thing, i could switch GP's but then it'd raise questions at home, which i don't want.
There are no support groups or anything like that, anywhere near me.
Meh, i've come to terms with the fact that there's nothing that can help me, and that this is about as good as it can get.
On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
Its positive that you want help. Its just a matter of finding it. You could switch GP. Why do your parents have to know? How about another dr at the same practice? Have you thought about your local Mind branch? [www.mind.org.uk there's a search facility by area]
Getting help is the first step and it looks like you want it. The first step is coming on here and making this post so, well done.
There's always help out there somewhere. Just don't give up. Find support in RYL and when you've got suitable options for your area you can get professional support. Just never give up. You've expressed this amazing strength. Now you just have to go for it. And I know you can.
I'm thinking of planning on seeing the doctors soon, i just need to talk to someone professional face to face really, to try and figure out what's wrong with me =/
On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
It's awesome that your planning on seeing a doctor. There is help out there for you and you can do this.
I've not spoken to you before but you have shown amazing strength in this thread and I hope you continue on to seek the help you deserve.
I'm sorry you feel so down. It's quite obvious to me that you have had a rough time growing up and it must be doubly hard when your parents work in that field. Unfortunately it doesn't mean they will understand. They might even feel guilty that they're responsible for your pain.
It's very unfair how they have treated you but I would hope that seeing someone will get you the help you need. It can take a while, but if you're able to be patient, which is difficult, then you will hopefully feel better one day.
I can't think of anything else to say as I'm tired, but I hope you have a nice birthday, regardless of your parents.
Believe in yourself!
If you wanna talk you can PM/E-mail me.
Everyone has that strength in them and just considering it shows you're strong. You aren't burying your head in the sand by doing this. I want to help you as much as I can.
Thanks everyone, after my birthday i'm going to try and cut down to one cut a day, then the next week once every few days, try to get myself away from 6 times a day :/
On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
well done. 
