Triggering (Suicide) - Desperate

[jellybeans]

Although I have been a member for a while, I have never posted before and I don't come on here that often. I have decided to post today because I am at the end of the line and I just need to know that i'm not alone.

Every though I have is of suicide or of self harm. I am drinking until I can't find any more to drink and cutting until there is literally nothing left to cut.

I am cutting 3 maybe 4 times a day just to get myself through. I just want to die. I have never felt this horrendous in my whole entire life. Death scares me, but the prospect of a life like this paralyses me.

I am seeing things that aren't there. Me hanging dead from a lamp post, me crumpled at the bottom of a building, I think that I'm going mad. They are so so real and sometimes they don't go away. It's like I could touch them. The only way I can tell that they aren't real is because I know that it's impossible for me to be dead and alive at the same time.

I am beginning to think that seeing these things constantly for such a long period of time is a sign, perhaps meaning that I should do it.

The sensible rational part of me doesn't seem to exist anymore. All I crave is death. I know that death wouldn't provide me with relief, (because you have to be alive in order to feel) I just know for a fact that it woud mean that all the unberable distress that I am feelnig now would stop. COmpletely and utterly, and that is enough for me. I no longer have any hope of getting better.

I have panic attacks all the time, my heaert beating faster, not being able to breathe properly. People see me as a coping person, so I have a lot of expectations to live up to.

I am so so desperate. I feel so volatile, like anything could set me off. I don't know what is stopping me from ending now. perhaps the thoguh of my family, but apart from that no one seems to notice this distress any way.

I can't even get away from this in my sleep, I have nightmares everynight about me ending my life, they are also extremely vivid.

I can't do this anymore, I am so desperate and I don't know who to turn to. I'm constantly either dizzy from being drunk or dizzy from blood loss.

I have no idea if I am writing this in the right section, and I have no idea if anyone will read this.

I just want to kill myself, my mind is automatically running through all the possible methods constantly.

I can not function.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Jellybean

You are not alone in your feelings!

As someone who is currently drinking and sobbing hysterically whilst trying to stave off yet another panic attack, please remember it can be better. I felt better for about a week at the beginning of the year which helped me realise that maybe one day I will feel normal.

I don't even know why but I too have thoughts of suicide fairly frequently (definitely a few times a day). It becomes an obsession that I have to fight because I know (as do you) that deep down this is not me. This is not how I used to be and if it isn't how I used to be, it isn't normal for me. I know the whole "maybe it's just the way I am" feeling but it isn't.

I know that I can't end it because of the feelings of other people. It hurts so much to struggle on and sometimes I wish I was truly alone in order that I could kill myself without it affecting other people.

Please, please realise that you are precious.

You say you are seen as a coper, well so am I. I am considered a high achiever and everyone around seems to think I am great at what I do. In a way, it makes it harder to tell people that you hurt and struggle as much as they do at the moment, more so.

I too had never felt so down in my life at the end of last year and still don't know why. Please hold on because although I am still struggling, I have had a hint of something better and it does help. Just hold out for that chink of light.

Sorry for the random waffle, I just want you to realise that you are not alone and so many people struggle with the same issues as you.

Please stay safe and struggle through.

Take care
xxx

[Razoredge]

hey, im sorry that life is hard for you at the moment, i no wat it is like nd less than 3months ago i mad a serious attempt nd now that my physically injuries have healed i no how it feels nd wana support u thru it.

no one deserves to feel this **** or low, but please hold on its not worth it the pain is rele hurtfull but u deserve betta nd u r worth something no matter wat any 1 says

[Razoredge]

pm if u neeed 2 chat

[here-for-the-journey]

Ssshh, it's OK baby, I'm here. I've got you *holds you tightly in my arms*
Now... what are we going to do with you eh? *strokes your hair*
What do you want us to do baby? We're all here and we all care.
I won't let you go *keeps holding you*