Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I can't manage myself AND I WANT OUT!

[Collateral*Damage]

Managing myself is turning into a nightmare. I have to make sure I get enough sleep otherwise I'm too emotional. I have to make sure I take my meds everyday without fail. I have to make sure I don't have any caffeine because it makes me really cranky. I can't read anything that might "trigger" me even though the stuff that triggers me is the stuff I'm desperate to read because then I might finally find someone who can think like I do. I have to make sure I'm not too emotional when I talk to my family or they'll ask too many questions -- questions I don't want to answer. How can I to do all that and be a responsible adult, a good mom, and work? I CAN'T DO THIS AND I WANT OUT! I JUST WANT TO BE NOT. I CANNOT DO THIS BUT IT WILL NEVER STOP! THE REST OF MY LIFE I'LL HAVE TO MANAGE MYSELF AND I CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Stellata]

You learn as you go, and it does get easier. At least it is in my experience.

[angelwings]

Hi there Hon,
You sound alot like me, I am constantly worrying about every other bloody thing around me. constantly juggling and feeling like I just can't keep going like this, but what choice do I have. I'm trying real hard to stop being my own worst enemy but it is so hard. I've been like it since i was little and even though I know i'm killing myself, my brain has trained itself to constantly think ahead. It's a nightmare. I find that painting helps me because it allows me to relax and centre myself, to concentrate my thoughts on one thing at a time. It may help if you can find something for yourself.

[Pomegranate]

You can do it hun and you will. Things will get easier once the support you have started getting starts to make a difference. In the mean time, lean on us and let us give you as much support as we can *hugs* x

[blondiebear]

As these things become habit you won't notice them anymore.

I have to take a lot of antidepressants every morning. Then I have the one to take in the evening but that's too easy to forget because I don't have an evening routine.
If I don't get enough sleep I get mean. If I have too much caffeine my hands shake which means my sewing is not as accurate as it should be for a professional seamstress. I don't know how much I can have and not have my hands shake. I now have to wear a long sleeve sun shirt when I go out. And I live in So. Cal. so that means year round.

I guess my point is that I understand. I've been and still am where you are. These things you have to do to take care of yourself will become routine.