Triggering (Suicide) - 2 months gone(TRIGGERING SI)

snoopdragon · 30-01-2008, 03:04 AM

i just found out im being replaced as assistant supervisor at my job but i have to keep doing the job until they find my replacement. they hired somone but they never showed up for work and got fired. they have been trying to find somone to assist me when my supervisor is off but cant find anyone who can handle the job. i work in a rehab center as a part of work therapy for the people in the program they work to pay for there stay in the center. i have hurt myself more then once because of the stress of the job so you would think i would be happy about it but im not. i am so close to losing control right now its scaring me. i have no one to talk to about this because nobody else knows yet. people i work with and people in the prgram know something is wrong with me but i cant tell them what it is. there is more to it then my job and i just dont know how to explain it. i feel so worthless right now like i cant doany thing right everything i do is wrong. im a waste of life i hate myself i cant stand to see mysef i hate these cscars i dont deserve to live i wish i was dead i hate my life and i hate feeling this i hate feeling anything i miss the blood i miss the smell of it as poors out of my arm i miss the feeling of it running down my arm i guess its been two months since my last cut maybe this time ill get lucky and cut deep enough it will kill me

blondiebear · 30-01-2008, 03:20 AM

It is time for you to find a new job. You will be happier somewhere else that doesn't have the stress and the politics and stuff. If they can't find someone to do your job, tough turkey on them. I can't believe they told you they were replacing you though. What are employment laws like where you are???

You aren't a failure. You aren't a loser. You're not worthless. You aren't a waste of life. Your scars just represent how you cope with all the pain you've had.

Hang in there, hold on. Let me/us know how we can help. You're being heard!

*grabs a pack of tissues. Gives you a careful and sincere hug.*

Pomegranate · 30-01-2008, 07:59 PM

I have no words of support hun, I just wanted to let you know I have read what you say and I think the way they have treated you is really bad. You have done so well being nearly two months free, keep it up *hugs you* xx

snoopdragon · 31-01-2008, 04:00 AM

i cut myself last night not as deep as the last time but now im back at the beginning one day at a time. i told my mom about my job today and itold her i was hurting myself again now i feel worse then before anyone knew. people at work were told about my job today they all said its not fair nobody agrees with the bosses decision. it seems like things just keep getting worse the one girl in the rehab program i work at is getting thrown out on friday i talk to her everday and she tries to make me feel better when im depressed and i cant tell her thy are kicking her out because i will get fired if i tell her. today one of the men in the prgram had aheart attack in work again this is somone i talk to everyday and i have no way of finding out how he is. ever since november it seems like everthing is going wrong i have almost died twice since the week of thankgiving i was hit by a car and then one of my cuts got infected and that almost killed me too. im realy starting to wish one of thos had killed me i hate living like this and i see no way out of this. killing myself would be a nice birthday present to me. it mkes sense to me since somone elses death ruined any chance of me having a happy birthday ever again.

snoopdragon · 04-02-2008, 06:11 AM

i feel so stupid for writing my last post reading it now i dont even know what i was thinking. i dont know what to think anymore i dont know what to do or how to stop these feelings. itold my mom about my job and that iwas still cutting. i couldnt stop crying when itold her. all she said was i should come downstairs for dinner after i calmed down. people who barely know me are more concerned then my own family. they ignore all my problems its like they dont even care what i do sometimes i think that if i killed myself they would forget about me the next day. i guess the only good news in my life right now is that i got to see the girl who got kicked out of the rhab center and i know she is going to be ok. i got to hang out with her for alittle while on saturday. it was a nice surprise to see her.

blondiebear · 04-02-2008, 05:43 PM

Your family is as loving as mine. Oh. Joy. (Scarcastic.)

My mom used to yell at me for SIing. Which made me feel worse of course.

I'm glad you got to see the person you were so concerned about. That shows how caring you are.

*hugs you*

snoopdragon · 05-02-2008, 05:56 AM

today i ripped the skin off of my finger tips until they bled i didnt even realize it until iwas done im scared of what else i might do. it hurts to type this

Lora · 07-02-2008, 06:21 PM

Honey, please take care of yourself, I know its hard when you feel like this, and believe me I know a lot of how you feel.

But as others have said, maybe a new job is good idea? It seems that it really isnt helping you at the moment. Is there anyone else you can talk to about this, other than your parents?
Know you are not alone, and RYL is always here, with people that understand and that you can talk to.
You can get through this hun, please keep fighting, Im here if you ever want to talk.
Love Lora xxx