help

[ladybug]

i dont really know where to put this because im not acturly intierly sure what im going to write.

todays been pretty crap well ok understatement. it started off ok i had a lay in which i never do because i find it hard to sleep. but since then well about 30 minutes after i woke up ive felt like sh!t i cant seem to shake this feeling. i keep looking out my window like somethings going t happen like someones going to come and get me and take me somewhere else somewhere where i can be happy. i had a dream about mitch the guy who sexually abused me, just stood in front of me telling me how discusting i am and how pathetic and that im scum of the earth and other stuff and its horrible because i know hes right i am pathetic i am horrible i am fat and ugly and deserve everything i get. i was watching tv and everyone on the show i was watching was thin and it made me cry because i will never be that thin and good looking. i hate myself so much i feel ashamed of every single bit of me i hate what and who i am. i feel like i should be locked away somewhere so no one ever has to look at me. i dont want to live like this but i cant change ive tried and tried and tried. i wish i knew how to look good and not be fat and horrible ive tried healthy diets but they dont work for me i stick to them and i lose weight and put it straight back on. i dont want to be me anymore.
rachel

[guiltyinnocence]

the only thing you desreve is happiness
im here for you if you ever need to talk
take care
saz xxxx

[ladybug]

i dont i really dont i mess everything up im horrible and evil and should just die.

[Zeitgeist]

I suppose the only comfort for really bad days is, they don't last forever. It's harsh, but it'll pass. I'm sorry to hear you've been having such a bad time.

But, I cannot stress it often enough - thin doesn't equal beautiful, or even happy. I'm sure you're not a horrible person. Have you murdered someone? I doubt it. No one's perfect, and you don't expect others to be, so why should you be just that? That's too much to ask of anyone.

Real beauty comes from within, full stop. Your weight doesn't have much to do with it. Is there nothing at all you accept about your looks? Maybe you could try to find something, as a bit of an ego boost. Even if it's just, I don't know, the shape of your fingernails, or long eyelashes, anything. You're not ugly through and through, no matter what your mind tells you.

[ladybug]

ah now see that murder question is kinda hard to asnwer. i was born two months early because i hade a twin that died and i got told that it was because the umbilica cord was rapped round her neck and had killed her i then got told the doctors said it was because of the way i moved so yeh i kinda have. :( :( :( :(

[Zeitgeist]

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but - don't be silly, dear. That wasn't your fault, and doesn't make you a bad person. It was unfortunate.

Kinda at a loss of what to say for support, but you're really being too harsh on yourself. If you need to talk, PM.

[ladybug]

i dont know what going on in my head it scares me apart of me is so angry at myself for doing the things i do and nothing i think can stop me. but then the other part i cant work out what it is that im feeling and its so annoying i just wanna know how i feel.

[Stellata]

Our birth experiences can set a pattern for relating to the world. I had a traumatic premature birth where I was trapped and there was no escape and I couldn't breathe. Ive worked a lot in therapy with my early trauma and its long term effects. So I understand how deep the impact of your twin's death must be for you.

This is not to discount all that you have endured since then, as that is traumatic too.

I'm wondering what you could do to help heal the regrets and shame that you have taken onto yourself about your twin. You don't need to carry that burden any more. Its ok for you to live. Really. You are not evil. Primitive emotions like you had about your twin, and still carry, are very powerful and raw things. I know, having faced many of them myself.

[ladybug]

if i wasnt my fault why does my dad blame me why is that th reason hes depressed the reason hes an alcoholic.

im stupid and pathetic and really dont deserve life i just put myself in stupid and dangerous situations like when i went to mitches how i knew he wanted more than i did but i still went and if his dad didnt come home he woudl have done more he woudl have raped me. thats how stupid i am i put myself in a situation where that could have happened. i put myself in a situation before because i felt crap where if my mate wasnt there i woudl have been killed i would have got myself killed. i dont deserve to breathe.

[Stellata]

Just because your dad feels resentful and is still grieving and projecting his grief and blame onto you.. doesn't mean its your fault. How could it be your fault?
It sounds to me that you started your life started out in a dangerous situation. Basically life or death.
And you are continuing that pattern now.
I hear how guilty and angry you feel that you 'took' all the air you needed, and that that left your twin with not enough.
That's only one perspective. Like you got the message that it is not ok for you to be alive.
What happened was a trauma for everyone. Including you. People who have suffered trauma need treatment, gentleness, support. That goes for you, as well as your father and possibly your mother. [you don't mention her here, so I'm wondering about her take on it.]

[ladybug]

she acts like nothing happened when i asked her if she had a picture of her because ive never seen a picture she said 'i dont know who your talking about'

i dont want to be me anymore the guy whos suposed to care about me and says he really likes me just blocked me because i asked him to give me a reason not to cut.

im pathetic!

[Stellata]

not pathetic. rather, lost and confused and hurting. I would say.

mothers can tend to numb out birth trauma. I know my mum did/does. she says she doesn't remember. which may be true because she was on pretty heavy medication. but denial etc is another way of responding to trauma.

sorry to hear about your guy. I hope you manage to mend things between you.

[ladybug]

i hate me. why cant i be someone else?

[Stellata]

.. you have yet to find your inner goodness .. it is there. just is clouded right now.