Triggering (SI/ED) - Vacation...dropping dead

[hypocrisy]

I was on a cruise ship and in the Bahamas for the past week. It was fun,except for getting sea sick, realising how fat I am and generally having to flush the toilet 5 times just to make sure all the vomit went down.

I haven't been on RYL for a while, I didn't even realize it was changing to another version 0_0. Everytime I come on here I feel worse than before I got on here because I always seem to be reminded of my failures in friendships, and basically in life in general. And then, there is this invisible push- it seems- from some people on here to make everyone better. Who the **** said I wanted to get better; who said I needed to be better; and where did this person get the audacity to decide my ****ing life?! As a person I'm horrible, and admit that freely and with an abundant amount of disappointment because all I've ever wanted was to be liked and perfect- beyond all expectations of perfection, but I've never asked to be helped with that!

I'm not nice, I make dumb and unnecessary commits that will piss most people off, and ultimately I will lose trust in everyone around me (and vice versa) which is one reason I SI non-stop. I know it's bad; I barely can go through without wanting to curl up in a ball,having suicidal/homicidal thoughts...oh well,I'm still here for the most part and I'm getting through well enough.

Is it bad to not want to get mentally better, to tell people to kiss your ass in response to all comments contra- to the diction going on in your own cranium, and to lash out at the self when you fear/can't lash out at other? If yes, then fine, I'm bad (because my thoughts and my person are totally inseparable), but you know it from the very beginning so there should be no weariness.

[Mandimoo]

people want their friends to get better, just so they don't have to live their life out in hell. in my opinion its natural to want the best for your friends. i miss chatting to you sweetheart, you always manage to coax a smile out of me and i like chatting with you. dont stay away too long, mand x

[pea soup]

sade...
i do understand a bit of what youre saying. but then again, this is a support site and i guess people just try and lend their support in whatever way they can.

if you dont want to feel better, then no one is going to "make" you, but when you post on a support site, people feel its their responsibility to at least try and help...at least i do.
much love.
xx

[hypocrisy]

it's not support when someone makes you feel like there are no other options, or when you end up coming to a place and getting the vibe that if you're not better mentally that somehow that's not good enough.

i want to get better on my own time not have people tell me that i have to get better right this minute, or else.

[Margo]

If you are getting advice like that then its not something you should be listening to! Things dont get better over night. Little things one step at a time.

Please try to be safe.

Hugs

Matthew xxx