Maybe not so over my demons (poss trig- neglect)

[~phoenix~]

I thought, maybe, i was over my past. Maybe everything pre adoption was behind me. But it's not that easy, is it. And no one warned me that Darrell would bring all that fear flooding back. I'm learning that as a parent, you worry every time your baby cries, or that you can't help but feel that your baby is the most amazing thing in the world, even when you've been woken up at 3am for a change, feed and another change. And you don't care that your clothes are covered in baby sick, as long as you know it's not bad sick just spit up, that missed the bib. And you'd do anything to keep them out of harm. So why the hell couldn't my mother do that for me? Why was i neglected? Why was i left unattended, treated as a nuisance? How could a mother do that to a child. How can a mother live with herself after she goes out, and the chip pan catches fire while her two year old is alone in that house? I just don't get it. I don't get it at all.

[Nat]

*big hugs* I dont really know what to say or do demons are there and I suppose it is how we deal with them. Perhaps a new born will bring this because it brings out all your insecurities. But your baby will be loved and looked after by you and that is all that matters as for now.

[~phoenix~]

I keep telling myself that. But then i worry. What if i make those same mistakes. What if i go off the rails somewhere. What if i let him down? Thats my worst nightmare, the thought that anything could harm him. I don't get how any parent could do it willingly, let their child get hurt, that is.

[Pomegranate]

You won't, you won't allow yourself too. You obviously care for your son a great deal and you won't let him down. I don't understand how a parent could do it willingly either *hugs*

[Briar Rose]

*hugs*

don't have much advice, but please know that I care,

Kellie

[crazykat]

*Huge hugs*
I think it is natural to feel this way but you sound like you care about your son and would do anything for him. I find it hard how a parent could do this as well. I'm here if you ever need to talk. Take care
Kat xxx

[blondiebear]

I don't know how my mother could molest and assault me. I don't know why she considered me a threat. I don't understand either.

Congratulations on being a parent. You are doing the most important job in the world. You obviously care enough to think about what you're doing. You are and will continue to be a good mom.

[Mandimoo]

hey honey. you can't life with 'what ifs'. If you do then you need to consider the positive 'what ifs'. Like 'what if' you're a great mom? 'what if' you love him like no other could?

there are plenty of parents here, both who had children before depression and after. they are not bad parents though are they? in some respects you can be certain that you'd never neglect your child. it happened to you so you are more aware of never acting in that way. also i think it takes a strong person (like yourself) to see when you need a break and to ask for it, rather than struggle.

hope you're feeling better hun, mand x

[Ash*]

I can't write much because I'm going out like, 5 minutes ago.

But.

You're not your mum. You and J are fabulous together, and I know,and you know,that he's going to be the happiest baby in the world. You're allowed to be scared,you're allowed to have a few worries. It's normal. There's no clear cut definition of doing things. The fact you're worrying shows how much you care.

Love to everyone okay?
I'll try and get to see you all soon (money's a MASSIVE issue though)

I'll text you soon
xxxx

[Tears of Solitude]

I too was abused/neglected etc as a child and your right, it doesnt hit you until you hold your own child in your hand. I have gone on to have 4 children and I love them unconditionally. I would die for them.

It made me think, how could my own Mum do this to me. I really understand where you are coming from. If you ever want to dicuss it further please IM me or catch me at IceAuroraBabe@aol.com