Triggering (SI) - i dunno really....

[kedda]

well i havent been on here for ages. i was diagnosed wit agrophobia but i am gettin better but im far from bein ok! i just feel weird, like not myself. ive been thinkin a lot lately about my lfe n what i want to do. im 28 n dont even have a bf let alone the house, the car n grown up job!! my mum keeps goin on about how she isnt a grandmother n i just wish she'd shut up about it. i havent cut in ages but the other day i felt like i could do it all over again. i just remember how glorious the feelin is when u cut n im so close. the more i think about the feeling, the more inclined i am to do what i really wish i wouldnt do.

im sick n tired of guys sayin they wanna be with me, it makes me feel like a whore. like im just here for them to **** n i hate it. i really do. it never bugged me before but now it just frustrates me. ive always been one of the boys then all of a sudden they wanna **** me instead of just be my mates. i use to feel safe but not anymore. when i go out i just drink heaps so that if someone does proposition me it i dont have to think...how dumb is that? i use to think i was smart but i know now im not. i even cut my hair really severe n the first nite i went out wit it a fullah said how sexy i looked with it. i wanted to smack his face but i just suffered in silence again. i been tryin lots of different things so i dont go out n put myself in n awkward situation. its not that i dont like guys n being with them its just that i dont like being used. i dont think someone would want me as a real gf/life partner coz im so destructive n mean but its so they dot get close. i hate it. i use to kick it wit this lad n i keep goin back even though i know he is bad for me. his actually a bastard but i just cant help it coz he makes me feel safe, even if it is only for a few hours..............

does this sound ridiculous? i think it does. as i said, my mind is racing so much at the moment. i just want it to stop n for people to leave me alone. i havenearly always been in the popular group n its such n effort. knowin a lot of people who think u r happy n lovin life when really u just want to throw urself off a ****in cliff. such n effort. i hate people commentin on me or the things i do~good or bad. i wasnt put here to please u. i like my own company so much better than anyones in the world. at least i wont bitch about me, or speculate about me. ****.

i wish i could go back to when i was happy n actually liked the attention i got! i thrived on it once but then i dislocated my ankle n stopped trusting people n put on weight n i hate when people look at me coz i know they're thinkin just how big i am n comparing to how i use to be. after a year off playin sport to help heal my ankle i start pre season trainin this friday n im scared shitless. like really scared. i hate the way people ask why i have tape on my arm~its like DER if i wanted u to know, i wouldnt have on there in the first place u ********, just leave me alone for **** sake. im scared ill hurt my ankle again and have another year off to get even more fatter then ill go out n drink n the boys will still wanna be with me n that just proves they dont care who they're with, they just want to be all up in it. its gross. what the **** is wrong with me?? the most important thing is for me not to cut i think although i have taken to carryin my blade again 'just in case' how pathetic!

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

SORRY for wasting ur time.

[Rain Keeper]

You didnt waste my time.

Work on it. Use the Pre season to buff yourself up, polish off and show off. Take the fear of your ankle away by going all the way.

Test yourself.
Make it one practice. If you take it too easy, you wont show you what you can do. But dont push yourself so hard. Your body knows. Set the bar. Set it to your advantage.

About the tape, loads of ANY TYPE of athlete have tape of some form on their body. Use one of those sweat bands if you can... or put tape on the opposite arm too...if it is like on your wrist or forearm. Tell them it is to help your arm. (truth isnt it?)


Be good to yourself about the boys and Mom. Take your time. You dont have to be with anyone you dont want to be with.

Anyway. Positive vibes you way.
Go for the gold.

Rain

[Merc]

nothing to add...except *HUGS*
i'll be thinking of you
pm anytime okay?
romp

[pea soup]

just wanted to give you *snuggles*
and send my love.....sorry i dont have more.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[kedda]

hi guys, me again....gee whiz THANKS so much for the comments n snuggles! well i chickened out friday, i worked instead but i'm goin to trainin tonite n im just gunna work to the best of my ability coz i know i can do it! ive played 'a' grade since i was 13 or 14 n have never dropped n i dont expect to this season either. i even put my name down to play bball again so we'll see how that goes. im nervous about tonite but not as much as i was friday. ARRRGH!!! i just needed that.

re: the boys~i didnt bother goin out on the weekend for a change. i fished all weekend wit my brother n his lil mates which was really good for my soul. i loved it actually even if i didnt catch any fish lol! im apprehensive about this weekend however its my mates birthday which means beer but i mite even offer to drive, who knows?

i didnt cut yet either YAY actually im plannin on gettin a tattoo to cover my scars because they are all up my forearm n the tape itches me like mad!! i keep catchin myself plannin a time to go in the bathroom just to cut like old times but i stop myself ever so swiftly n time flies when u dont feel so guilty.

rain, romper n apple THANK U again and i will keep u posted on how trainin goes tonite, take care x