Triggering (Suicide) - What.

[zowie]

Okay, well. I can't decide what mood I'm in.
I keep feeling sorry for myself and I hate it.

Plus the feeling that I'm not real has become so frequent, and so are the visual hallucinations.

Two days ago a bus driver wouldn't stop the bus for me, looked right through me, so I threw myself as hard as I could against the bus shelter to make sure I was actually real.

My partner is getting tired of me feeling low; he's nice to me but he just can't feel caring or supportive if I feel sad every night. I can't talk to him, because he doesn't want to know.
I can't talk to my key worker because I'm scared she thinks I'm a liar or an idiot.

I don't like that everyone at college hates me and wants me to go away.
I'm even more scared that sometimes I want to hurt people around me, really hurt them. She tells me if I don't get them, they'll get me.
I don't know why they want to get me, what have I done wrong? I stay quiet at college, haven't made any friends. I just want to leave.

I go through each day. I have awful attendance, no university will accept me. I just try and get through; but I don't know what to do next.

Kill myself?
Make something out of my life? Get better!? I don't know how. I don't know how to want to.

I just....want to know what to do next.

[blondiebear]

I'm sorry, no words of advice or wisdom. I just wanted to let you know that you're being heard.
*gives you a gentle cherishing hug*

[typsee]

Zowie .... you sound so despondant hun, and I know that you wonder whether there is any point in going on, but I can tell you that no matter what you are going through, death in not the answer.

Do you have a doctor that you see on a regular basis?

It sounds as though some of your thoughts and feelings about things are becoming almost irrationally paranoid in their content, and perhaps your medication needs to be adjusted.

I know you are worried about what the people in your life (your partner, your caseworker) are going to think of you if you tell them what is really going on with you, but I truly believe that unless people understand what is really happening to you, then they wont be able to properly help you.

Take the risk Zowie and let people know what's going on .... reach out for help - what have you got to lose?

Thinking of you xxx

[zowie]

Thanks for replies and hugs. Means alot :)

Rowie; he doesn't know. Not really. He knows I'm on medication and that I have regular appointments at the mental health clinic but to be honest he just think it's a girly thing. He has stereotyped mental-health, especially depression, as what women do for attention or sympathy. Not that he treats me like that, but he can become a bit...sneery....whenever I try to talk about it.

I try to just focus on the now and, Typsee, I do try to tell my keyworker but I just can't find the right words. I try to explain how much the Statue is getting to me, but she seems to address it lightly which I don't like. I feel like I'm not being taken seriously.
I want her to understand how much this is affecting me, so that she can help me understand what is actually happening to me. If that makes sense?

Thanks guys xxx

[zowie]

Thanks Rowie :) I guess that opening up to him could be a positive step. And if it's a negative one and he reacts really badly, then I guess he's not as special as I think.
Obviously I'm scared he'll react badly and I'll have to consider our relationship. But part of me believes he might be able to understand, and that would make everything much easier.
xx