why am i so stupid?

snoopdragon · 18-01-2008, 06:38 AM

i spent my time this weekend doing a favor for someone who is the closest thing i have to a friend she is the only person outside of my family who knows i cut. she asked me to buy something for her because i was going out to shop and could get it cheaper then her and then she would pay me back. later in the day when she thought i wasn't around i heard her complaining about it not being the right kind and how it was cheap crappy and would break this ws after i told her i could return it if it wasn't what she wanted. why am stupid enough to do anything for her when she has told me she cant stand me more than once. i still sat here tonight and made her a cd just because i know it will make her happy and i feel good when i can make her happy i just wish i knew why she always has bad things to say about me even though i do anthing i can just to make her smile. when she has problems i will spend as much time as she needs listening and trying to help her ieven get in trouble with our boss somedays for talking to her. but when i need to talk she is always to busy or finds something more important to do after i try talking to her i have tried to stay away from her but i cant because any time she is upset or crying i have to help her i feel so stupid why do icare so much about somone who hates me

Pomegranate · 18-01-2008, 10:21 AM

She doesn't sound deserving of being your friend. It seems like you are doing everything for her and she is not returning the favour. You don't deserve to be treated like that *hugs*. It is not you at fault here and you shouldn't blame any of this on you. Sometimes we can't help but do things even if we hurt ourselves in the process and you sound like a really caring person. Could you talk to her about how you are feeling and how she is making you feel?

Emma xx

snoopdragon · 19-01-2008, 02:23 AM

i have tried talking to her ut just cant do it and right now is not agood time to talk to her about it. her father was admitted to the hospital yesterday and today she was upset and crying because he is going to need an operation or something for swelling of the brain. i wish i could help her but i dont even know what to say i feel so bad right now for being mad at her i just want her dad to be ok because i dont know what she will do if anything happens to him she has tried to kill herself before. i just want to cut now to make myself feelbetter for a little while life sucks right now

blondiebear · 19-01-2008, 05:03 AM

It is okay to not be around this person. She is using you. I understand being that lonely too.
Pray for her and her dad or send them healing thoughts or whatever variation of that works for you.
Care for yourself enough to not cut yourself.

I had something similar happen around a year ago. First I cut myself for the first time in 3+ years. Then I had an attack of PTSD and ended up shoving away someone who was trying to hug me when I was trying to run away to clear my head, she didn't know i have PTSD. Then a mentor fired me because she was afraid for her physical safety. Finally I realized how the mentor had been using me and I emotionally "resigned" from what I thought of as her nursing staff. I got to go back to an old mentor too. I'm still fighting SI but I have a better sense of who my real friends are.

Care for her at a distance but Please give yourself the gift of time away from this poor lost user of a person. Take care of yourself.
How may I help you?
Hugs!

snoopdragon · 19-01-2008, 05:54 AM

i cant stay away from her because we work together and im her boss it makes thing alittle harder but i dont let the personal stuff effect the way i treat her in work. i have tried to make other friends but it is hard because i hate being in groups so it makes it hard to meet people i cant even stand being on a crowded bus thats how bad it gets. i work from 7 am until 4 pm and dont get home until after 5 most days so the only people i spend time with are the ones i work with and most of them are much older then i am. i work in a rehab center so the only people near my age are in the program and employees cant have any contact with them outside of work. i have tried staying away from my friend a few times in the past but anytime she needs me i have to help her i just cant say no when she needs to talk i have to listen . the only thing stopping me from cutting right now is that iam still healing from the last cut that got infected before christmas. istill want to hurt myself just to feel better for a little while i have thought of other ways to hurt myself but i know they wont make me feel the same way but i just want to do some kind of damage to my body i wish this would all just end

snoopdragon · 20-01-2008, 01:56 AM

on top of everything i have said before i have been in so much pain since friday morning that it hurts to breath i have had a constant headache since i was 8 years old and nobody cantell me wh no matter how many tests they cant tell me whats wrong with me maybe its in my head maybe im just crazy and the pains not real im so sick of feeling this way it feels like something is in my head trying to rip it apart the only time thepain goes away is when i am drunk o cuttig myself i hate this i hate all this pain i hate all these feeling i want it all to stop it would be so easy to end it all nobody around me caresanyway they never notice whats going on they never see the blood on the floor they didnt notice when i stopped having friends they didnt care when istarted staying in my room alone all the time i am so sick of my life and everone in it the only people that try to help are the people on ryl but nothing they say ever really helps long enough i need to give up i want to give up what is thepoint anymore nobody cares what i do anyway and their are somany ways to end this pain i just need to find the best way to do it ho would care if idid it anyway i hate myself more everday for these feelings i have and it just gets harder to keepgoing why should i fight them i dont want to live like this anymore i cant live like tisanymore

blondiebear · 21-01-2008, 02:02 AM

I don't have any wise words. Just wanted to let you know that you're being heard.
Hugs

snoopdragon · 24-01-2008, 03:27 AM

things just keep getting worse my friends father had a brain tumor they think they got it all but they are not sure she is still very upset and i dont know what to do to help her. and now i came home today to find out that my moms getting worse the nerves in her legs have been dyeing for a couple of years but now she is having leg seizures she loses control of her legs and that makes her fall now im worried that this will happen while she is on the steps and she might fall down them. today in work i was asked to cut up boxes and i wanted to cut myself so bad i dont know how i got through it without cutting. tomorrow i have to be the boss at work and that is always hard for me it is so hard to deal with all the people and all the problems that come up in just one day.

Snorkmaiden · 25-01-2008, 01:24 AM

I dont have any advice or anything, I just wanna say that I apreciate you taking the time to answer my threads. Stay safe, we always here for you. *Hugs you* xxx