Triggering (SI) - I'm a total hypocrite, pretty much a big long rant.

Mouse81 · 16-01-2008, 04:18 AM

How can I sit across my desk from someone and congratulate them for being sober, or turning their life around, or tell them not to use drugs or alcohol which is their addiction, when I can't even stop myself from cutting? I messed up what was going to be 43 days cut free. It started just dragging a blade, you know, just to see...then it turned into a little shallow nothing of a cut. I'm pissed I didn't do more. Now I want more. It's all I think about...all day long. At work, at home, with my horse. Sometimes I can get it out of my head, but it always comes back. I'm going to be dealing with this forever. Why did I mess it up for just a little scratch? I'm so weak. I'm so stupid.

Tears of Solitude · 16-01-2008, 02:24 PM

Dont be so hard on yourself. It was a little slip up you dont have to go back to the beginning again. It was a scratch not like it was before.

43 days you should be so proud, way to go.

I hope there will be many more days

Jade xxx

MarineBugler · 16-01-2008, 04:56 PM

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Tomorrow is a new day.
<3

blondiebear · 16-01-2008, 05:07 PM

You are doing well.

For me, I've decided that alcoholism and self injuring are different diseases. Yeah, they're related to each other. And for me self injuring means i'm that much closer to a drink.

At my 13th sobriety birthday one of my friends told me that I didn't feel like celebrating my birthday because I didn't feel like I deserved it. He was right.

Then last week at a meeting he asked if I was being good to myself and loving myself, knowing i'd si'd a few days before. I said now, that i'd deepened the marks that day. So he said that it was okay, he loves me. Bless him. That's made it possible for me to let the marks heal. It makes it possible to say that I never have to do this to myself again.

SIing is tough to overcome. Very few people understand it.

You are doing fine.

*Gives you a cherishing hug*

Mouse81 · 17-01-2008, 01:43 AM

Thanks everyone. I did a little more of this stupid scratching **** just to feel something last night. It's totally NOTHING, just a little bit to remind me that I still can, or something. I don't know what it's about. I'm having anxiety, like real bad. I think I had a little anxiety attack at work but I'm not sure b/c I've never had one. But I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was shaking, etc. Tomorrow is a big day, I have to testify in court. :( I'm scared. Maybe that's what all this is about. I'm more scared because when this guy doesn't go to jail, it's going to be hell for however much longer I have to deal with him. oh well, I'll get through it, today was ok. I only feel like I made one mistake. I have to stop beating myself up for this. Everyone makes mistakes, I know this in my head but I can't get it out of my head that I CAN'T make mistakes...I want the day to come where I like who I am and am comfortable with the decisions I make and the things that I say.