Triggering (SI) - inside is chaos...kind of rambling.

Mouse81 · 12-01-2008, 10:57 PM

I haven't hurt myself since Dec. 2nd. That's 41 days. I almost messed up 41 days last night. Sometimes, I don't think I can put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes, I just want to talk to the one person that I can't. How do you tell someone that they are what you need to get through the rough spot? You can't. You don't want to put that burden on anyone. I don't want people to "worry" about me, but I want them to understand. The one person that understands, or that I think understands, is not really the most appropriate person to help me deal with this. I don't even know where I'm going with this post. I don't think I can last much longer, the urge is overwhelming and it's more and more everyday. I have to go back to work on Monday. I don't want to. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I just want to be left alone to do whatever I'm going to do...

This makes no sense. Sorry...

blondiebear · 13-01-2008, 07:42 AM

It all makes perfect sense to me.

I'm feeling quite needy right now. But I don't want to be a pest. I'm writing and reading and trying to find out what my problems and motivations are.

Sending you a big hug!

Mouse81 · 13-01-2008, 04:09 PM

you aren't a pest. some of the stuff i put on here makes no sense and is probably annoying but i do it anyway...

blondiebear · 13-01-2008, 06:02 PM

Please continue to let me and the rest of us know how you're doing.

I'm trying to not be a burden too much on my friends or my husband. My brother is coming down on Wednesday. He is going to help me make a rag doll that looks like my mother so I can take some of my frustrations towards her out on the doll. He's been wanting to play with a special kind of play and even plans to make ceramic hands for the doll with long red painted fingernails, dragon lady nails, like my mom has!

I'm sulking because two of the friends who understand are on a cruise this week with their wives. It will be almost two weeks until I see them again.

What you say does make sense!
Hugs, Susan

Seraphsigh · 13-01-2008, 06:47 PM

I know how it feels to feel like a burden. But here's a little anecdote for you. A few months ago, I had another big run-in with my mentor, who is like a father and is of course the first person to feel the brunt of my emotional "catastrophes". Anyway, he came to a meeting with my therapist and I (NOT my idea), where he basically said that he was worried and why don't I tell him anything, just cry and be cryptic. I said I didn't want to be an emotional burden and unload more things on him. He said he would really like it if I was more of a burden so he could really understand what was going on!! He told me that he wants me to unload on him, to trust him. Because then he can understand better and stop worrying about me so much.

I know that was about me, but it taught me a great lesson. Sometimes we think that we are too needy but really are so guarded that people are confused or don't notice. Maybe you should be more of a burden and see what happens :).

Sorry you're in a small rut. Get out of it, you have the power! What an accomplishment, going for 41 days without SI. I'm proud of you.
Don't hide within yourself (like I'm one to talk) because it just makes things worse in your head. PM if you want to talk, but talk to the people that mean something to you. Don't be afraid.
*hugs*

D'

Mouse81 · 13-01-2008, 09:52 PM

I am I dunno...afraid isn't the word, I just can't be bothering people with this. The person who can help me most is at work, she's not even my boss, she's my boss's boss. How just messed up is that? She saw my arm and actually took a few hours to talk about it. I think it gave me a false sense of security or something. I can't take this anymore. Today, just now, driving home I started to not be able to breathe just thinking about how much I want to do something to myself. I am not going to be able to make it much longer.