You know it's bad when you can't feel ashamed for cutting anymore. It used to be that I'd try my damndest not to cut and then I'd end up cutting and I'd feel disgusting and awful...I can't anymore. I cut and I just feel relief. I feel nothing.
It really is like everything just bled away and there I am...and that worries me. I feel like an addict. I broke apart a freaking shaving razor for God's sake. Come on now, that isn't normal. It used to be that I could talk to my best friend about it, but since she's in MD and I'm in NY for the summer she wouldn't notice anyway cause she doesnt see me, so this somehow allows me to just not talk to her. It's bad. I want to talk to her I really do, but she's got enough **** to deal with without me dragging her down with mine. I guess I'm just afraid that one day she'll say enough is enough and that I'm just too depressing to deal with and give up on me.
My ex said that he'd never abandon me, never give up on me...and yet here I am. He doesn't talk to me anymore. Shocker. And then there's that potential relationship with my friend Mark who actually said to me today that he wouldn't have sex with me unless he was drunk. How sweet, right? I mean, doesn't he realize that that hurts to hear?
Of course, he's never been too considerate or even tried to remotely understand anything, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. On the other hand I hate seeing myself naked I hate my body so I must just be repulsive to him. Can't blame him I guess. I know it's my fault that I'm fat. I just hate myself and as much as I don't want to cut, I'm not sure that I care enough to try and stay "sober". I gave in once and here I am falling back into that ever familiar pattern. Life's hard and I'm weak so I cut. End of story. *shrug* I guess that's just how it's gonna be.
