Triggering (SI) - My Biggest Problem.

Tin-Tin · 11-01-2008, 06:13 AM

I'm scared...
I've been feeling things lately, hearing things, seeing things, reliving, moving through time like a VCR tape...
Some things go to fast and some go too slow...I can't keep track of where I am.

I think it has a lot to do with a boyfriend's suicide (Back in 03) . Lately I've been 'seeing' him. The problem is...I know it's wrong...Because I like to talk to him, but only when there's no one around...Someone once said I could see ghosts...but I'm a fairly logical person...and I don't think that's what's going on.

Now I was diagnosed Schizophrenic as a child..but my mum kinda...said I definitely wasn't...and I never got to see my doctor again, I liked her. Her name was Julie.

Anyway that doesn't matter anymore, I'm 21 now and I live with my boyfriend and everything is wonderful...cept yesterday these symptoms started up again. And then...I cut myself for the first time in three months. Only thing is..I really don't remember doing it. And I don't know how I did...I don't have knives or razors or anything in my apartment...Only other thing I can think of is my keys..but why wouldn't I remember?

This is gonna kill my boyfriend too...I don't know what to do.
Advice and suggestions would be wonderful.

And for everyone saying 'go get help!' I am poor..and already have diabetes and another illness that I'd rather not mention on here...
I can't even afford those illnesses.. don't need 50 bucks a week for a shrink and another 30 bucks in pills to add on to it.

I mean even when I'm crazy I usually have a good grip on myself but...not knowing I cut. Ehhhh Has Tin-Tin a liiiittle worried.
Thanks for any input!

SAnk you!
Tin-Tin

Stellata · 11-01-2008, 10:04 AM

It sounds like you dissociated. If you're having flashbacks about past traumas, then it's very likely that your mind is splitting off from itself to protect you from the impact of the possible feelings - but it's not helping you because you've ended up hurting yourself.
I would suggest keeping as grounded as you can. Take some time to write or/and draw how you're feeling. Maybe post here some more about what the flashbacks are like for you.
What do you feel about the past Schizophrenia diagnosis?
As for getting help, I think you too realise that you need support through this. There are voluntary organisations, as well as counselling/therapy training places that offer low cost, and in some cases free, therapy. I would suggest looking into see what's available.

Tin-Tin · 11-01-2008, 03:43 PM

Thanks for the response, much appreciated. It's nice to not have someone just go 'you're crazy' and then keep a noticeable three feet circle between you and them at all times.

As for the flashbacks sometimes they completely take over, I'm there, not here...my body in the present stays solid and I am unresponsive, but that is VERY rare. Thankfully...I live most of my life in a car I don't need to be zoning out...
Sometimes I'll just see Ricky standing there...silent, but I've gotten to the point where I know I'm not 'seeing ghosts', I know that my brain is wrong. Which was a big step for me.
And ugh...sounds...I've completely banned myself from horror movies because of the sounds and what I call 'quick flashes.'
People's voices, multiply, it's hard to understand...and sometimes it hurts my head so much that I don't think I can take it.
As for these quick flashes...it's kind of like watching a movie at fast forward. There's no logical pauses in my memories...days run by my mind in an hour. Those have gotten the best of me...I see things I feel like I can stop and just don't have the time because everything is going so fast.

As for Schizophrenia..I don't want to believe it. But I see symptoms. Like with my drawing...I can't do it much anymore. I'm so obsessed with everything being matching on both half's of the picture that it's rare I even complete one. And they look so flat now...There's no depth. Not to mention under very stressful times the symptoms get worse...I'll remember things that never happened or forget something REALLY important...Or I'm just distorted and confused...my special perception goes to crap- which makes driving fun...

I'd really like to beat this on my own though, I think I'm capable since I had it tamed for a while. I will probably tell my family doctor, and tell her if she sees any urgent warning signs, then I'll seek treatment...

I'm stubborn, but not stupid. ^_^
Thanks for listening to me ramble, you're a dear.

Much loves,
Tin-Tin