I think i finally have a bit of a clue about why i'm so anxious to make myself ugly outside. Last week I cut the word 'needy" into my arm and cut/scratched another place too.
My mother considers me a threat. For women with her mental illnesses and who have more than one daughter, the oldest may be seen as a rival for their husband's love. And my dad has a daughter four years older than me that he hasn't seen since she was a baby because of custody issues. Mom may consider her a threat too, so I get two doses of abuse.
Mom wanted a son so much that she called me "Sam" for the first week of my life.
Please pardon this vanity which is a kind of pride. My mother also considers me a threat because i'm better looking/more attractive than she is and better educated than she is.
So the child part of my emotions things that maybe if I make myself ugly outside, she won't feel as threatened. When I was young she wouldn't have felt as threatened and given me the love and nurturing I needed. So the child part of me wants to make myself ugly so I can get the nurturing then that I needed then.
What a Cluster Fluster!
Maybe this bit should go in the cover up thread. When I teach on Friday afternoon, i'm planning to use special two side tape to hold the sleeve of my T-shirt in place. I'm there to teach the girls about sewing not hating themselves.
Thanks for your patience with my novel.
Input please?
Hugs always welcome. I'll hug you back too.
Last edited by blondiebear : 10-01-2008 at 06:37 PM.
Reason: remove body reference
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
The special tape worked great. I'm not even allergic to it which is awesome because i'm allergic to bang-aids and most adhesives.
It looks like I'll be using the clothing tape for several more weeks, at least teaching and at places where people don't know I still SI. I deepened "NEEDY" on Thursday evening.
I knew that my SI in September was not my last.
Now I've figured out that I don't have to SI any more. I don't have to make myself ugly on the outside. It's not that I'll have to totally struggle to not SI. It is that I won't have to any more.
My daddy-friend was an absolute love this week. When he asked if I was loving myself and I told him that i'd make the marks deeper, he told me that it was okay, he loves me.
Someone in my friday meeting told me that I was an inspiration to her. Huh? Say what? She said that even though she knows i've been going through a difficult time she sees growth.
Please RYLers, I still please need hugs and words of support. Thanks
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
It seems that revelations, such as this, comes in leaps and bounds. It might be a good time for some deeper reflection on what you've discovered. If you're feeling needy, what could you do to fill that hole, aside from self-harm? Redefine what you need, and be specific. Once you've determined that, maybe you could move to the next step, toward taking action.
Baby steps... we all take them, and we might get there eventually.
Good luck with yours,
D
"A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart." - Albert Camus
