Triggering (SI) - why am I here again?

[wicked]

I just feel crazy. I want to cut, so badly. I am having urges like I have never had. The worst part is, my parents will not be angry at me.

I know thats good, but I wish there was something out of my control to stop me.

I miss it so much. Not the betrayl, or the secrets, or the lonliness. I wish I lived alone, and had no family, so I could just do whatever I want.

Last night I wanted to go to a pro site so badly just get triggered and cut. But I know I have worked so hard for what I have.

I don't want to. I want to. I know its sick. I know pro sites are bad. And people who tell me that cutting is good, and I don't need help. That I am strong for cutting. Telling me how to cut, giving me tips. It's bad.

I miss it. It was a sense of community, now matter how f'ed up. It feels so hard to break in here, to catch up on all the inside jokes.

I want to go back so bad. I don't want people to care about me. I don't want to have someone to disappoint.

Why do I feel this way?

The worst part is that I'm not delusional. I know this is wrong, I know it won't help, that it will only make my life harder.

I'm torn.

[emily.ily9]

i totally get the feeling of being pulled back and forth between loving and hating your self harm and in the end, for better or for worse, it is YOUR decision what to do with your life; we, (ryl) can only offer our support and encourage that you learn how to cope with life in a probably more healthy way than hurting yourself.
of course finding any community in which you feel part of it is going to be something everyone wants, and it's not ****ed up that you miss that, but you are clearly aware that a friend who helps you hurt is perhaps a different kind of friend than the kind you want.
and you said it yourself-- you've worked hard to get where you are, whether it be at an hour or a year.
take care of yourself and PM me anytime
xxemily

[KMS]

I know what you mean by your parents wont be angry with you for cutting i t dont think my mom cares but well it's good that you're not on those sites anymore hopefully and that you came here. Just try to distract yourself from wanting to cut and be triggered. Even though you say you dont want peopl to care about you, they will anyway. Stay away from the pro sites and stay safe. Just try and get familiar with the site and make some friends if you want to Pm me feel free to do so.
x Ashley x