I'm not sure why I'm posting. I'm just so... scared. Everythings getting worse. I'm cutting, purging, binging, crying. I feel so empty, every time I think of the future I want to cry.
I'm going back to school to restart year 12 in September, but I can't even decide what to do then. Everyone keeps going on at me to plan my future, uni, my career... I'm nearly eighteen, and I can't believe it. To be honest, I never thought I'd make it here, and so I haven't planned any future for myself. I've been dragging myself through one day at a time for too long to make meaningful plans. Only stupid fantasies.
I don't know why, I feel like the depression is coming back again. The prozac was working, but maybe it's wearing off? I'm thinking about suicide again, every single night. Nothing helps. I would ask for help, I'm seeing a counseler, but thats in a week, and I really don't know what to say. My thoughts really don't make sense, everythings gone weird. I'm wasting my time, don't deserve to be here... I think I'm just lost.
Blessed Be, x Pip
"Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful that it happens in that order."
adopted by surprising mystery loves [prettyontheinside]
Small_Black_Flower is my sister
I would say that you are maybe posting this because you are indeed scared and need some support and understanding.
What are you scared of the most?
Is it your future that worries you? I would suggest simply taking one day at a time, take care of yourself from day to day now. As you say, you yourself feel that that is the most you can cope with. Its not September yet. I assume you've decided on which A levels to take? So, that's sorted. Go back to school, focus on your work, see how things go. Then you can have more background sense to inform what you might want to do in the future.
What are you doing at the moment? Can you find something that you can focus on? Maybe start some reading for September. Or set yourself a project, or find some voluntary work that interests you.
Do you see your dr regularly? It might be a very good idea to tell them what's going on, what you are struggling with, and they can maybe advise or suggest medication changes or dosage raising to help you through.
Its good that you are seeing a counsellor. But I hear how you need support now. When you see her/him you can tell her/him pretty much what you've said here. In the meantime... keep reaching out for support here. Use the forums. Try Live Help. [link at top of each screen] Email RYL supporters on support@recoveryourlife.com. Or there's the Samaritans.
You do deserve to be here. We can be alongside you as you go through this. You are not totally alone.
The time period where you are expected to have your entire life planned out, is very confusing. I went through it not real long ago myself, and had similar feelings. I can remember being younger thinking "why am I planning things and making dreams, that are never going to happen" but luckily I did, because those plans and dreams are what got me to where I am. You have a year to plan for uni, and to decide what you want to major in, you have years after that to make your life plans, if you change your mind, then so be it. Don't put to much stress on yourself to know exactly what you are going to do. If your friends and family are making this more difficult for you, then talk to them about it, they must know you are going through a difficult time, as everyone at that age is.
As for your suicidal thoughts, I would certainly suggest you give your therapist or psychiatrist a call to let them know how you are feeling. As I am sure you know, some anti-depressants can have a reverse effect on the addolcent mind, and it is extremely important to bring these feelings to the attention of those monitoring your meds. In the mean time, please talk to your parents about this, keep yourself safe...that is the most important thing. Maybe visit the Distraction Forum, to make it a bit easier for you, and to keep your mind occupied. Also if you haven't already please read "Suicide: Read this First", it may help bring some insite into the reality of what suicide could really mean.
Please feel free to PM me at anytime, I always answer my PM's. Take good care.
xx
Nicole
"Even if hard work and determination doesn't pay off immediatly, it will ALWAYS pay off EVENTUALLY"
I will try and tell my counsellor something about how I feel. I don't think its the pills causing it, because I've been on them for about 6 months with no problems, and you normally get problems at the start of taking them. I think. (Maybe I should stop pretending to be a medical expert lol).
As for the future, I can't see myself existing for that long. I probably will, but I can't really get my head round it. I feel like there is something terribly wrong with me. Or maybe I just want something to be wrong with me, so I have an excuse for being rubbish.
Pathetic really.
Blessed Be, x Pip
"Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful that it happens in that order."
adopted by surprising mystery loves [prettyontheinside]
Small_Black_Flower is my sister
Not rubbish. In distress and confused and scared. But not rubbish.
Its hard to imagine a future, I know that 2 years ago I didn't have any idea of many of the things I am doing now. And as for when I was your age.. well, I never had a sense of my existing as an adult.
Generally, yes, meds are most problematic at start up. I would think, myself, from what you've said, that the stressors currently in your life are bringing you down. And that you feel them all the more intensely because you are already vulnerable and feeling fragile.
But I am no expert either. Just someone with some understanding, and someone who's been on meds of one sort or another for several years, and has lived for many years with depression. So, checkin with your GP as soon as you can get an appointment.
Also, its normal to get those feelings of dread and fear and anxiety as part of depression.
remember the Baz Luhrman song? Everyones free to wear sunscreen.
'Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.'
I know theres a lot of pressure to go to university, get a job, get a career, get a mortgage and 2.4 children. But not everyone knows at 17 what they want to do for the rest of their lives, and the rest of your life is a long time to be doing one thing so you need to be sure really.
Dont beat yourself up about it, just make the most of the education you are receiving now so that when you do discover what you want to do,the opportunity to fulfill it is there.
Also, make the most of your councillor and your GP, tell them how you feel, they wont be able to help you otherwise.
